I came down to Peoria this past Friday with my mom – see, she just bought a new car, and in an incredible act of generosity, is giving me her old car. So, we had to go to the DMV, do one of the title transfer things, order license plates, you know, car stuff.
Watch Me On TV – Like Right Now!
I was kind of bummed that there was not a makeup lady to assist me at my taping.
As someone who's not worn makeup – well, except for the spray tan my wife made me get before our wedding, it was always something that I found interesting.
Would I be even more dashing with foundation? Would my eyebrows “pop”? Can they draw a beauty mark on my cheek? And what about rouge? Is it true that only whores wear that?
I Get Drunk On Not-Eating
A girl took me to lunch today.
Actually, I paid, but it was her idea.
In my profession, which is managing Chicago real estate agents, I am constantly recruiting.
Many firms simply do a terrible job of supporting their realtors and leasing agents, and I am always reaching out asking if they would be interested to join our firm.
My Holiday Cards Are Better Than Your Holiday Cards
I started a tradition my freshman year of college back in 1994 – since I was making new friends, I thought it would be fun to send each one a holiday card.
I wanted to do something fun, and my mom suggested the Oriental Trading Company catalog, which has dozens of different cards. All crap quality, but cheap.
My Career As A Video and Photo Thief
For two years in college I worked at a grocery store as the photo lab guy.
During my employment, the store was moved after my first year. Initially that department was a combination where we did video rentals, photo processing, and sold perfume.
When the store moved to its new location they decided to eliminate the movie rentals. The perfume counter got its own section, and I no longer got to spritz my coworker with Prescriptives Flirt for fun.
DoubleBack – This Week in TFP – 9/5/11 – 9/11/11
Did you read every last word I wrote this past week?
What? You didn’t?
That’s hurtful, goddammit!
I bet you didn’t miss Top Chef! Seriously, is that good? What is it, a bunch of cooks hanging around with their Ginzus? No offense, but watching people cook doesn’t interest me when I’m IN a restaurant.
I'm at My Fattest and Unfunniest – A Confession
When I was a newborn, I developed a double hernia at ten weeks and underwent emergency surgery.
During the delivery my mother received a botched epidural, and the doctor accidentally struck her spine. She was in a coma for four weeks.
During that time I was sent home with my father and two grandmothers. Within a few weeks they had started me on human food (bananas and such), which turned out to not be a great move. Apparently, my nervous system was not fully developed and I cried like crazy. Food shut me up.
Sunday, I'm On TV! (For Five Minutes On NBC If You Live In Chicago)
Saturday and Sunday is the broadcast of my segment on the Weekends With Whitney television program, here on the Chicago NBC affiliate.
The bad news – I’m at my fattest of all time.
The good news – I talk about all about my pain and suffering through divorce.
I Fell In Love With a Girl Who Had Already Seen Me Naked And Then Rejected Me
The first time I met my wife was on a blind date. We were set up by a coworker of hers who told me I needed meet her friend. Since I didn’t know her coworker all that well, I couldn’t really ask the most important question my immature mind was thinking…
