My Fourth Week With The Onion – Shock!

I couldn't find a good pic of an adult shocked, so here's a child who just learned her social studies teacher is into bondage.
Shocking Face
I couldn’t find a good picture of a shocked adult, so here’s a child who just learned her social studies teacher is way into bondage.

Recently I took a writing class with The Onion and started reporting about my weekly submissions.

Click Here For Week 1

Click Here For Week 2

Click Here For Week 3

Throughout the course we were taught the math behind The Onion’s News In Brief articles, the structure and composition of those articles, where to insert jokes, and how to tighten them up for maximum funny. I posted a few weeks worth of homework here, and then stopped. The reason for this is explained below. READ MORE

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My Third Week With The Onion – Another Bad Week

Oliver Cromwell
Do you think a cannibal would eat the warts first or last?

I’m currently taking a course with The Onion and each week we learn a few more of their “funny filters” and then are sent home to write ten headlines and one article. This is difficult for me.

Click here to read Week 1

Click here to read Week 2 READ MORE

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My Second Week With The Onion – Sophomore Slump

See, because Camel cigarettes have a Camel as their spokesperson, but he prefers the compet...
Confused
The average reaction to my headlines on Week 2

A few weeks ago I started a humor writing class with The Onion.

In this course we are taught about satire and how The Onion approaches comedy. The publication is known for its sharp, pithy headlines and these headlines are the primary focus of the class. Headlines, in fact, are so important, it’s how The Onion selects articles for publication. Every week hundreds of headlines are submitted by editors and five or so articles emerge from that list. Their very best writers only have about a 1 in 50 chance of their headline becoming an article. We are asked each week to bring our ten best headlines and one article to be evaluated by classmates and instructor. READ MORE

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Hits (And Misses) From My Writing Class With The Onion

national lampoon vincent van gogh cover

In April 1992 I fell in love with National Lampoon Magazine.

I bought my first issue at a local drugstore and raced home, excited to find out if this would be a worthy successor to my Mad Magazine fascination as a child. I had matured, albeit slightly, and was seeking a more sophisticated type of funny. I found it in National Lampoon. I decided after reading the issue that I would make it a life’s goal to write something worthy of the magazine’s inclusion. The problem was that as a sophomore in high school, I had never written anything. Plus, I was unfunny. Oh, and the National Lampoon quit publishing about a year later. I shelved the dream of being a writer and re-focused my efforts on trying to bone senior Ashley Ripley who once smiled at me in homeroom, to which I assumed meant she wanted this (note – pointing currently at self). She didn’t. READ MORE

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Behold the 2017 ThoughtsFromParis Holiday Card

If you know what this is, you've wasted your life.
alan thicke candace cameron let it snow
If you know what this is, you’ve wasted your life.

I had to be talked into this year’s card.

My girlfriend was certain it would land big with our friends and family, but what did she know? I’d like to think, for my own self esteem, that I’m the only one in the relationship with a rapier wit. Turns out she was right and the card was well-received. Many even reported that it was my best card to date. The credit for this success lands 100% in Liz’s lap. READ MORE

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D.J. Reviews Bic for Her • Originally Published at InThePowderRoom

This is an essay originally published at InThePowderRoom and is reprinted with permission. Also, these words were made funnier by the editorial goodness of Sarah del Rio.

In 2012, Bic released a line of pens designed exclusively for women. They were called Bic for Her™ and they were just like their regular pens except that they came in pink and purple. This made sense because women like pretty colors. READ MORE

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I’m One of Those Jerks That Cried During the Eclipse

Let's talk vacations. And periodontal disease.
dentist
Let’s talk vacations. And periodontal disease.

I went to Nashville to see the eclipse because my dentist told me to.

Throughout my life, whenever anyone asks me to list my dream vacation destinations, I stare back with blank eyes. It has never occurred to me to cultivate places I’d like to visit. Even now, I have no idea of where I’d like to travel to next. I’ve never turned on the Travel Channel and I don’t find myself fantasizing of being anywhere other than where I currently am. That being said, I go on a fair number of trips. My only rule is that I never try to visit the same place twice. That’s for squares, if you ask me (you didn’t). READ MORE

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As It Turns Out I Have No STDs • Surgery Part Two

I could work here!
Hernia Movers
I could work here!

In order to get my hernia fixed, I first needed to get cleared for surgery.

If you missed part one where I wrote about the discovery of a disgusting belly button hernia, click here to familiarize yourself.

The surgeon who was to perform the hernia operation told me I must first see another doctor who could run the appropriate clearance tests. I guess once you become a surgeon you don’t have to do the low-level stuff. Like how the guy who drives the garbage truck doesn’t leave the driver’s seat. He’s got a guy riding on the back who deals with the actual garbage. READ MORE

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I Just Had Surgery and It Was Pretty Fun, Actually • Part One

See? Not lying. Excited. And they hadn't even given me the good drugs yet.
not that excited
Well, not this excited.

I couldn’t have been more excited the day of the operation.

Only once had I been cut up before, and it was for this laser eye surgery vision thing. It’s not exactly the biggest deal. The doctor doesn’t make you wear a gown with the open fanny area. You’re not doped up with medical grade opiates. You can wear your business suit during the procedure. You open your eye lids, hold still for 20 seconds, and congrats, you now have eagle vision. You’re back in your cubicle by lunch. READ MORE

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