I’m One of Those Jerks That Cried During the Eclipse

Let's talk vacations. And periodontal disease.
dentist
Let’s talk vacations. And periodontal disease.

I went to Nashville to see the eclipse because my dentist told me to.

Throughout my life, whenever anyone asks me to list my dream vacation destinations, I stare back with blank eyes. It has never occurred to me to cultivate places I’d like to visit. Even now, I have no idea of where I’d like to travel to next. I’ve never turned on the Travel Channel and I don’t find myself fantasizing of being anywhere other than where I currently am. That being said, I go on a fair number of trips. My only rule is that I never try to visit the same place twice. That’s for squares, if you ask me (you didn’t). READ MORE

As It Turns Out I Have No STDs • Surgery Part Two

I could work here!
Hernia Movers
I could work here!

In order to get my hernia fixed, I first needed to get cleared for surgery.

If you missed part one where I wrote about the discovery of a disgusting belly button hernia, click here to familiarize yourself.

The surgeon who was to perform the hernia operation told me I must first see another doctor who could run the appropriate clearance tests. I guess once you become a surgeon you don’t have to do the low-level stuff. Like how the guy who drives the garbage truck doesn’t leave the driver’s seat. He’s got a guy riding on the back who deals with the actual garbage. READ MORE

I Just Had Surgery and It Was Pretty Fun, Actually • Part One

See? Not lying. Excited. And they hadn't even given me the good drugs yet.
not that excited
Well, not this excited.

I couldn’t have been more excited the day of the operation.

Only once had I been cut up before, and it was for this laser eye surgery vision thing. It’s not exactly the biggest deal. The doctor doesn’t make you wear a gown with the open fanny area. You’re not doped up with medical grade opiates. You can wear your business suit during the procedure. You open your eye lids, hold still for 20 seconds, and congrats, you now have eagle vision. You’re back in your cubicle by lunch. READ MORE

D.J. Reviews The F-Cup Cookie • Originally Published at InThePowderRoom

This is an essay originally published at InThePowderRoom and is reprinted with permission

Attention, small-chested women!

Have you ever been dumped because of your tiny bustline? Sure you have. As a man, let me first apologize for the horrendous treatment of flat-chested women. It’s not entirely our fault—we were raised on a steady diet of the Playboys our fathers kept stashed in the upstairs hall closet—but to expect all of you to have the perfect rack of a twenty-one-year-old Jenny McCarthy is unfair. You deserve as much attention as the large-chested gals receive. READ MORE

D.J. Reviews DivaCup • Originally Published at InThePowderRoom

The bag behind it is for barfing.

One of the funniest websites south of the Mason Dixon was In The Powder Room. Run by funnywoman Leslie Marinelli and edited by funnywoman Sarah del Rio, this site accepted my pitch of a monthly column where I reviewed products for women. Sadly, the site is currently on hiatus, but they have given me permission to repost content I had written exclusively for them. I’m proud of my work, as silly as it was. They were a great partner and supportive of my immature ramblings. If they ultimately decide on a permanent vacation, I will restart the column here. In the meantime, read some old stuff. READ MORE

Allison (But Not Allison This Time) and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About Your Best Friend

Nothing to add, here. The image is way funnier than anything I could ever write.
D.J. and Allison fix your stupid problems about your best friend

To be fair, Allison tried on this one.

She wrote me a few days ago asking to bow out of this specific edition. Allison had just taken on two new clients and was now travelling a good chunk of the time. She kept attempting to write this piece but wasn’t happy with it. (After reading her drafts, I concur) Then she did that thing that all weirdos like her and I do – we go all or nothing. In a frazzled state she said, “I can’t commit to this any longer!” She was having a moment. I told her to have her moment, and that I’d handle this one. She’ll come back in the next one. She’s just a spaz. READ MORE

Allison and D.J. Need Your Stupid Problems About Your Best Friend

D.J. and Allison fix your stupid problems about your best friend

A guy a know who I’ll call Cullen used to say, “I love you enough to tell you the truth.”

After this proclamation, he would immediately follow it with a barrage of criticisms about how you’re doing things wrong. It was uncomfortable. You’d feel defensive. But after his assault concluded, you’d find yourself saying, “Dammit, the sonofabitch was right.” And he always was. A mutual friend of ours, Jen, was complaining about some shitheel she was dating. Jen is a psychologist and a strong, independent woman. However, she was dating a shitheel. He sucked. We all knew it. She suspected it, but stuck with him. One day, Cullen says to her (apropos of nothing), “What’s up with your self-esteem? You know better than to be with a loser. Get yourself together. Christ!” And Jennifer started to cry. Cullen didn’t flinch. He patiently waited for the sobbing to end. Then Jennifer said, “Yeah… I know.” Because she knew that Cullen was right. She dumped the guy a few days later. READ MORE

Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About Your Look

Ooh, I like the way you work that spatula, Mr. Thomas.
allison and d.j. need your stupid problems about your look

Everyone wants to love what they see staring back in the mirror. And, I’m not referring to that inner-beauty nonsense that isn’t real. Well, inner beauty can be real, I guess. But your outer beauty is always being evaluated. Mostly by you. And I’d bet, if you’re like near everyone else on the planet, that you focus on the imperfections. When we check out our crooked nose or thinning hairline, it’s a reminder that not only are we imperfect, but we’re imperfect and aging. Those are two very heavy trips, dig? So, we asked for your questions about how to cope with said imperfections. Allison Arnone and I did our best to lighten your load. Read on, where we help you co-exist with your warts and all. (Oliver Cromwell reference, sucka!) READ MORE

Allison and D.J. Need Your Stupid Problems About Your Gross Appearance

allison and d.j. need your stupid problems about your look

I believed I was so ugly no woman would ever want to date me.

I remember confessing this to a college roommate one summer. He was a handsome fraternity brother who had to fend off women when we went out. He was asking why I never talked to girls and I told him, “Well, I’m just not attractive enough, so why get rejected?” Now, the worst thing you can do if someone confesses their most vulnerable insecurity is to confirm it. Since I believed I was an ugly troll as much as I believed my name was D.J., the only hope that I had was that I might be wrong. But of course, he said the worst possible response. READ MORE