My Third Week With The Onion – Another Bad Week

Oliver Cromwell
Do you think a cannibal would eat the warts first or last?

I’m currently taking a course with The Onion and each week we learn a few more of their “funny filters” and then are sent home to write ten headlines and one article. This is difficult for me.

Click here to read Week 1

Click here to read Week 2

This class we were taught three new filters – Reference, Character, and Irony. I won’t bore you with definitions of these filters, one because they’re relatively obvious, and two because nobody comes to this blog to be educated. People read this website for a chuckle, and usually at my expense. However, since I’m not writing about my folly these days you’ll have to settle for my submitted homework below.

I won’t even go into a whole thing about irony and how most people use the term incorrectly, because I actually enjoy that people say it wrong in that it makes me feel superior, and self esteem is important to me.

One positive thing that is happening as a result of the homework is that I write far fewer misses than hits. In previous weeks it would take fifty headlines to end up with ten winners. Now, I write maybe fifteen to get to ten. However, it still takes almost as many hours. Which means there’s a great deal of time where I’m staring at the wall waiting for a decent thought to emerge. Sometimes I’ll scan USA Today to see what’s going on in the world as a source of inspiration. If I was a smarter man I’d check out the Wall Street Journal but they have fewer pictures and use words I have to look up.

One of the exercises we perform each week in class, after learning that session’s funny filters, is immediately start writing examples of said filters. After a short period of time we pick our best and test them in class. Since we had just learned the particular joke structure minutes before, this is a way to test your resolve in humiliation. Because what you have just written is almost assuredly of poor quality, and you are now about to reveal it to all your classmates only to watch their blank expressions as the joke misses.

I’m a huge fan of Oliver Cromwell’s (minus the post mortem beheading), so here’s a few warts and all from this week’s in-class exercise.

Reference – Morning Of Dental Exam Area Man Decides To Start Flossing

Character – Shirtless Selfie Guy On Tinder Believes Optimal Lighting In Bathroom

Irony – After Baby’s Birth Dog Becomes Most Important Member Of Family

I’ll pause while you recover from holding your sides laughing maniacally. That’s sarcasm because they’re terrible. Well, I do like the Tinder one. But still. So, below is the homework I did submit, and I have to say, this was a bad week for me. I’m proud to say that I do get better as the classes progress from here. Bear with me.

– Headlines –

  • Escape Room Experience Reveals Alpha Jerk In Circle Of Friends
  • Bathroom Attendant Saw You Take Mint But Not Leave Tip
  • Centaur Unsure Whether To Reveal Lower Half of Body In OkCupid Pics
  • Terrifying Animatronic Chuck E Cheese Band To Embark On Nostalgia Tour
  • Instacart Shopper Attempts To Conceal Judgement While Delivering Funyuns Order
  • Emotional Support Peacock And Other Uncaged Birds Welcomed On Greyhound Buses
  • Former Sous Vide Devotee Now All About Instapot
  • Area Man’s DNA Home Test Reveals He’s 100% From Ohio
  • Ed Sheeran Beats Out Four Silly Girls With Important Ballad About Body He Fancies
  • Guy Who Wears Cologne To Office Doesn’t Understand Anger Directed At Him

– Article –

Area Man’s DNA Home Test Reveals He’s 100% From Ohio

TOLEDO—Local resident Jacob Smith expressed moderate disappointment when his 23andMe results showed that 100% of his DNA originated from the United States, and more specifically, Ohio, the state he was born in, grew up in, and currently resides. “My friend’s test showed that his ancestors are from Greece, Russia, and North Africa. My DNA shows that I’m mostly from Cleveland,” a defeated Jacob told reporters admitting that the report makes sense as that he remembered his grandparents once bragging that three generations of Smith family members all lived in the same cul-de-sac outside of Akron. “I was kind of kind of hoping for something more exotic, like Europe. Dutch would have been cool, I guess.” Jacob plans to visit Cincinnati later this year and reports that he’s excited for the Buckeyes upcoming season.

shirtless selfie guy
I love his confidence.

Read this next!

Join D.J.'s Mailing List!

You're worth it. Give yourself the gift of more ThoughtsFromParis!

Thanks! Check your inbox or spam folder for a welcome message from D.J. - it should be there now!

Something went wrong.