Tag: relationship

Tub Texting Together

I got excited because my friend Karen texted me she was in the tub.

Well, yes, I guess I could have become excited because she’s not exactly unattractive. But that didn’t occur to me in the moment. I jumped up from my sofa and bolted directly into the guest bathroom. My master bath just has a boring walk in shower. It’s kind of fancy, but I needed to soak with a friend. READ MORE

Julie DeNeen – Genetic Sexual Attraction

In a rare episode where we don’t try to find the funny, Julie DeNeen talks about a reunion with her biological father and how that led to a confusing and complicated sexual relationship.

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    I’ve Always Gone For the Makeout – A Confession

    Well... not like these lame Roman Gods. Cooler ones with arrows and thunderbolts and big fists and stuff.

    I’m thirty-six and I never learned how to date.

    Back in high school when first dates were innocent and slow I assumed I was too ugly to attract a woman. (insert reader sob here. Wait… Did you actually sob? If not, go back and re-read. I want sobbing, dammit!) I did go on one date, but that was it. Other than a random kissing session, that was all I had. READ MORE

    I Wrote What You Told Me (Yep, Again) Part II

    The coolest animal to carry Lyme disease.

    Part II – Part I was yesterday!

    • About 100% –  Bodily functions. And how they might – or should – be the end of relationships.

    We’re talking about number twos here. It’s a very simple solution. Two bathrooms, each with a locking mechanism. Also a towel under the door as to not let your doody air leave the room. Also, a high powered doody-air-sucking fan. Lastly a special peppermint scented doody-eliminating candle. Also a doody air timer. The timer is going to tell you when the air in the bathroom stops smelling like peppermint doody and just like peppermint. There you go – relationship saved. READ MORE

    366 Posts in 366 Days (or… How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Challenge)

    I wanted to end this experiment of posting every day for a year with a few reflections…

    • I have no discipline – I can’t tell you how many projects I’ve started over the years that have not come to completion. In my mind the last time I really worked at something I consider disciplined was when I worked out six days a week for six months without missing. That was ten years ago. Ten years before that I sat in my basement and mastered a Joe Satriani piece entitled Day at the Beach on the guitar. That’s it. I have ADD which is great for creativity but not with staying on task. Somehow I was able to just make this a must every day. I missed most of my flossing, but I never missed writing. No idea how I did it. Am I a superhero? Sure. Why not?
    • I never thought I could write every day (with decent content) – Before this I only wrote if I had something I pondered for a few days and I was absolutely certain was going to be well-received. As a result of this strategy, I almost never produced. I waited for home runs which rarely came. After day seven in January I had run out of home runs. Nothing had happened that particular day and I was screwed. Within a few months I realized I was developing improv chops. Since my average day is pretty boring and I don’t have great stories from my past I focused on finding the humor and emotion in everyday life. While not easy, after 365 straight reps, the muscle is now well-developed.
    • Readers relate to honesty – Frankly, I always considered myself a humorist. I am funny. That’s my thing. But when I started this year I was into a new relationship, but still healing from my divorce. I had a lot of anger, sadness, fear and shame that was bubbling to the surface. While terrifying to me, I decided to take the plunge and write about these feelings without the need to pepper them with jokes. Comedy often did come up naturally, but it wasn’t something I manually added to make the posts more readable. What happened was that my comments increased significantly. Readers seemed to appreciate the raw honesty and I believe people felt more connected to me and the work.
    •  Engagement is the key – I have always wanted to build a community with this blog. The only way I know how to do this (since I write about myself) was to engage the readers. Even though I’m still over 400 comments behind, my goal is to reply to every single comment. I don’t do this because it will “get” me more loyalty, although it does often do that. I remember seeing Ozzy Osbourne once talking about his fans and he almost started crying saying how grateful he is to have people that want to listen to his music. I’m not half as talented as him, but I feel the same. The fact that someone wants to read my stuff still blows me away. So, thank you!
    • Put my head down and write – I have long since retired the idea of being famous from a blog. My posts won’t go viral. My readership increases by a handful every day. That’s it. No shortcuts. And I’ve learned so much of life is just hard-work. And that’s the good news. Hard work beats out talent almost every time. With hard work I can hit singles and doubles every day. I’ll leave the home runs to the book I’d like to pen. Other than that, it’s just a matter of getting up early and making the donuts.

    Well, that’s it. I also learned you sickos love posts about genitals, farts, sadness, shame, anything where I end up embarrassing myself, and videos where I don’t realize I’m making a joke until after I’ve made it and then laugh hysterically at my own wit. Okay, maybe not the last one. READ MORE

    How Not To Negotiate (if you’re a housekeeper)

    One of the other things I’ve written about ad nauseum is my dirty condo.

    I’m just going to resign myself to the becoming-more-and-more apparent fact that I’m just not going to become skilled at cleaning. I received a cold-call at work the other day from a big commercial cleaning service wanting our business. I had put off hiring a housekeeper since the last time the skag I hired stole a bunch of my crap. READ MORE

    I’m For Intolerance! No – Wait. Against. Yes, Against.

    This post will not fall under the general hilarity that is my regular musing wit.

    I am in a funk tonight. I had an exhausting (but good) day at work. Something incredibly shitty happened at the end that sent me off into a rage. As someone that has avoided his feelings most of his life I do not yet handle extremes well. Things like anger and sadness and fear hit me very hard. In the past I never learned how to sit or tolerate them. I learned that the best thing to do was to run from them. READ MORE

    Let’s Talk About My Personal Life!

    Normally I don’t write much about my personal life.

    There are certain boundaries I set in my writing to maintain some semblance of privacy. I haven’t shared about the time I had triplets and sold them to the circus. I couldn’t believe you could still do that, by the way. In 2008, no less! Also, I never wrote about the time I got into a fistfight with my grandmother because she totally wasn’t being cool. Oh, and I felt the need to quiet that whole “keeping several mistresses” thing. Those gals are crazy! READ MORE