I Did Something F***ing Crazy Over Thanksgiving – Part I

stoned dog birthday party
Best. Photo. Ever.

I had a great idea.

When I started getting some decent traffic to my site, I began to receive emails from readers. I noticed that nearly all of these emails were from women. I suspect that there are more women who read blogs than men. This may just be a result of many mothers who stay at home and raise their children. In fact, there is a whole “mommy blogger” category of blogs, and it is HUGE. Every year one of the biggest blogging conventions is called BlogHer which you have probably have figured out is for birds.

Now, of course, being a single man, I love the idea of women reading my posts. Even though most of the women who write to me seem to be happily married, it is nice to receive the attention.

But not all of them are married.

Some are downright single.

And hot.

hot nerdy woman spock
This is not one of my readers, but I would. I totally would.

My idea was, since I’ve saved up like 10 free flights over the years, to visit a few of these women in their hometown and go on a proper date. I would call it “Dates With Readers.”

Then I would write about the night, chronicling every part of the experience. The woman would also write about their experience with me, and whether they liked me, or if they had thought I was a total d-bag.

Would be hilarious.

And I had two lined up already. First is a fellow blogger, Karen, who, despite her gross old-lady name, is pretty and funny. Problem? She’s stationed overseas in the air guard in one of those middle eastern countries with the sand. Her blog is Chick in a Box, and I highly encourage you to read it. She’s great.

And she is totally in, but doesn’t come back to the U.S. until March. Plus, she might get blown to shit before that.

Next is Jaime who is a university professor in the southwest. Also pretty and very intelligent. Funny as well. I suspect she would make a great friend. She also thought it was a fabulous idea.

I felt like I needed one more woman to make this an actual blog “feature.”

So this random woman, out of nowhere, friends me on Facebook.

Full disclosure – She found me on Facebook by accident. She meant to “like” my ThoughtsFromParis page, and somehow ended up on my personal page. I’d love to say that she was a die-hard groupie who stalked me, but this is just not true. Sadly.

Her profile picture really grabbed my attention as her physical beauty really matched up with what I’m attracted to. Big, full shoulder blades, and a defined jaw. Just kidding. She was super hot in the traditional sense.

Second Full disclosure : The phrase “big full shoulder blades” is a reference lifted from a Bloom County cartoon where Steve Dallas, drunk on root beer, announces that he is attracted to women with “big, full shoulder blades.” God that was the greatest comic strip ever.

The bottom line was that I just had to talk with this woman. Except she had never sent me a message or attempted to contact me in any way. I didn’t even know she had read my site. I thought she might just be a friend of a friend. So I reached out.

When I learned she had read a few of my stories, I used that as a leverage point to wedge my way into her life. I just had to, you understand. She was that beautiful.

Her name is Jessica and she lives in Atlanta.

We exchanged phone numbers and I pitched the idea of flying down there and going on a date. She loved it and we tentatively planned on me coming down there for New Year’s Eve. Since we didn’t yet really know each other, this made sense, as we could spend the next few months chatting and connecting.

Also, if she turned out to be a psycho I could always bail mid-December.

The more I talked with her, the more I really started to like her. As much as you can within a few phone calls for somebody that you’ve never met in person.

And then I realized I didn’t actually want to go out with the other women. I mean, they are fantastic, and super fun and great supporters. But we were just going to go out as a joke.

Jessica and I were really connecting. I dropped the idea of going out with the other women, and decided that this was not, in fact, a joke. This was real.

I called my father to tell him of this woman I had met online. And he said something that was so outrageous and unexpected, I was speechless for a few seconds (the longest ever in my life).

You’ll have to wait until tomorrow for the rest of this story. What a dick move!

Until then, here’s a picture of a stoned dog’s birthday party.

stoned dog birthday party
Best. Photo. Ever.

click here for part II