I Wrote What You Told Me (Yep, Again) Part II

raccoon
The coolest animal to carry Lyme disease.

Part II – Part I was yesterday!

  • About 100% –  Bodily functions. And how they might – or should – be the end of relationships.

We’re talking about number twos here. It’s a very simple solution. Two bathrooms, each with a locking mechanism. Also a towel under the door as to not let your doody air leave the room. Also, a high powered doody-air-sucking fan. Lastly a special peppermint scented doody-eliminating candle. Also a doody air timer. The timer is going to tell you when the air in the bathroom stops smelling like peppermint doody and just like peppermint. There you go – relationship saved.

  • S. Rogan –  Why America isn’t afraid of the fact that we are headed toward Socialism?

The only thing I know about socialism is that I almost did a report on it once in seventh grade. I had to do a presentation in front of the  English  class on any topic of my choosing. For some reason the word “socialism” stuck in my head – I must have heard it on a television show somewhere. I didn’t even know what it meant but it sounded really cool and I wanted to impress some girls. I pitched it to the teacher and he asked me to stay after class. He approached me and suggested I pick another, more interesting and lighthearted topic to seventh graders. I was relieved. I didn’t want to do a bunch of crap research on the Eastern block. I chose “How to Play Tennis.” True story.

  • B. Henderson –  The fun of filling sandbags and why you did not pursue this as a career.

The reason? Because you lot ranked me as one of the worst employees in the group. My friend above and I worked in a garage for a summer filling sandbags. One day while I was away (probably being awesome somewhere) they ranked the nine of us in terms of how hard we worked. I knew I wasn’t number one as that guy was Dan, a total showoff. In my mind I was in the middle, like 4-5. It came back unanimous that I was number eight. I know this sounds funny but it completely f’d my shit up. I was in denial and protested that I wasn’t quite that low. I really thought I busted my ass, but apparently I didn’t as much as the other fools. In a way it was good because it popped the bubble I had built that I was amazing at everything I do. Took me almost three years to build that belief back.

  • K Frye –    why raccoons eat birdseed

Um – I’ve seen a raccoon go nuts on a tin can, so why not birdseed? Or wait… maybe that was a goat. Look, all I know is they scare me. Not goats.  Raccoons.

  • Laura L –  What a bad idea it is to put rotel tomatoes in your eggs when the can has been open in the fridge for an unknown length of time. Turns out it was too long…

Here’s the thing about rotels… Uh… (Googling rotels) Oh, okay it’s a brand. Yeah, new cans of tomatoes each time. No re-usies. You don’t need to keep the other half in the fridge. They’re only $.64. Chuck the can out the window the next time you’re driving to a disco. The  raccoons  (referenced above) will eat it.

  • Willow C –  why republican party feels the need to be the biggest pain in the ass it can be- at ALL TIMES

I’m going to stay away from politics as I alienated most of my base with the “peeing in the sink” thing a few months back. Let’s talk about why that one guy at work is a big pain in the ass at all times. It’s because he’s in love with you Willow. In fact, we’re all in love with you. But we can’t have you. You’re too much of an angel for this devil. And so I must destroy you! I will continue to do this by telling you the copier is out of toner when there is, in fact, plenty of toner! Ha ha! (read that laugh in a evil, “I just showed you, self-serving laugh”). Once more. Ha ha!

raccoon
The coolest animal to carry Lyme disease.

photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar via photopin cc

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