Tub Texting Together

I got excited because my friend Karen texted me she was in the tub.

Well, yes, I guess I could have become excited because she’s not exactly unattractive. But that didn’t occur to me in the moment. I jumped up from my sofa and bolted directly into the guest bathroom. My master bath just has a boring walk in shower. It’s kind of fancy, but I needed to soak with a friend.

I’m talking about shared experience.

One of the hardest parts of being single is doing things by myself. I want somebody that watches the same shows that I do. Someone who laughs at the same jokes, and who thinks eating grocery store sushi on a Saturday morning is a fabulous idea.

I’ve heard that the purpose of a relationship is to amplify the human experience. This is done through intimate sharing. It doesn’t mean you both have to be into Norwegian death metal, although if you’ve found each other, good on you. I need someone in my life to pal around with – this is the most important part of a union for me.

I need someone that asks me what I’m writing about tonight. They don’t have to read each word, or any posts, but they have to get excited that I get excited. That’s the secret to a successful relationship. Get interested in the other person’s crap. Not literally.

But, to be fair, some couples seem to survive without much of this. I have a friend who watches college basketball nonstop while his wife trains for marathons. They share none of these activities together. It works for them. Me, I like having someone on the couch next to me while I crank out the Evil Dead trilogy. It’s simply more fun.

Of course time apart is critical. You can’t be up in each other’s jock nonstop. That shit gets old right quick.

As I’m growing older I realize that I want and need a willing partner. I want to learn what gets my woman off and then spend time participating in that with her. If she’s into crocheting, hook me up with some yarn. Wait, is crocheting the yarn thing? I ain’t looking it up.

In my life passion goes a long way. It’s the juice of life and what I live for. I have stopped dating a few women recently because I couldn’t find their passion.

Speaking of, can we all agree that passion fruit flavored anything is nasty? Just a small aside. But, seriously.

So, even though my friend was out of the tub almost the minute I got in, it meant a lot to me. Sure, it’s silly and goofy and childlike. And it certainly doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of our friendship. But the fact that we both spent a minute doing something together made this night more enjoyable for me. That’s a marker of a good friendship.

My last girlfriend recently called me the most selfish man she’d ever met. And maybe she has a point. I write a humor column all about the wonder that is I. That’s sort of selfish. But, she’s wrong mostly. I looked for her passion and tried to dig it out over a year. It was buried, or at least I couldn’t find it. I’m not putting her down – she’s a lovely woman. But I realize what I need now in a partner.

Thank you for reading and letting me indulge my passion. Now, go on and read one of my other posts where I tell a fantastic fart joke. I’m passionate about those, too.

This looks just like my pal Karen if she bathed in milk and wore a marshmallow eyebrow mask