On Tuesday my mom informed me that she was going to spend the next night at my condo. I was treating her to The Iceman Cometh here in Chicago and since the play is five hours long, she wasn’t going to drive home afterwards.
Because I didn’t want my mom to see how I really live, I went on Craigslist to find a housekeeper that could come over that evening. After sending out about ten requests, I finally got a hit.
Sally C-Word (not her real name) emailed back and said she was available. Her price was insanely low. About $20 less than what I’m used to paying. I gave her my address and sprinted home after work.
When she arrived I was surprised to find that she was not Polish. In Chicago cleaning ladies are Polish. This woman was not-Polish, a little younger than me, cute, and normal. We made small talk and I found out that she’s from the same hometown as my ex-wife. She told me about her family, and I texted my ex to find out if she knew her.
I then had to leave as my cat was nice enough to pee on the guest bed moments before Sally arrived. Because my washing machine is not big enough to accommodate a comforter, I needed to go to the laundromat. I told Sally C-Word that I would be back in about 45 minutes.
When I returned home Sally C-Word was gone. The house was about 80% cleaned, but she had stopped at my master bathroom. All the supplies were there. I assumed she must have gone down to the car to feed the meter. But then I saw her cellphone still charging in my kitchen. I was worried because I wondered if she had gone to the car, realized she didn’t have a key and couldn’t come back in, and was stuck outside. Also, she couldn’t call me because I had her phone.
I walked around outside and couldn’t find her. I figured she’d borrow a phone and call me to come back inside. She never did.
Hours later, as I was about to doze off to bed I noticed something odd about my nightstand dresser. Then I realized she had swiped my Amazon Kindle, and an old inoperative iPhone. She also had stolen a speaker I had in the bathroom. All of these items were within a few feet of each other.
Yes, Sally C-Word grabbed a few things and ran.
She didn’t take anything too valuable, and somehow she missed the nice watch sitting right next to the Kindle which was worth more than the other stuff combined. Also, I never wear it and wouldn’t have noticed it for probably a year. However, I was freaking out and I ran around the house making sure she didn’t take anything else. She left my checkbook, the PS3, all my guitars, and computers.
My guess is that she got through 80% of the cleaning, saw a few items that would make more than the paltry sum I was about to pay her, and said, “Fuck this!”
But I have her first and last name. I have her cellphone. Sadly it is locked, but it has a microSD card, and I will read that this weekend. I can see text messages, like this one on the night of the theft:
!BABY GURL!: Can u get me a forty on the way home?
I’m guessing her boyfriend is a middle manager at IBM. The bummer is that the email I have for her is that crappy one that goes to her cellphone (firstname.lastname@example.org). I sent an email today telling her that I had all of her contact information and her family and friends’ information. I mentioned that if she didn’t return the shit she stole I would start calling each person to let them know that she’s a thief and is dating a man with severely underdeveloped alcohol consumption habits.
I had already called the police and filed a report. I knew she wasn’t going to email back. She might not have even received my message. She’s probably just some loser junkie who needed a fix.
At least I got 80% cleaning done and I didn’t have to pay her! Oh wait…
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