My Dad Just Taught Me I’m Good Enough for High-End Turkey

See if they have this near you. I'm not kidding.

My father has a strong will.

One time, back in college, we were shopping at a mall. At that point in my life I was terrified of talking to girls. He was completely strung out on caffeine. We saw some cute girl working at the Gap. He said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You go up and ask that girl out, and I’ll quit caffeine cold turkey.” Both of these goals seemed preposterous. You don’t just approach a woman after a lifetime of never doing so. Same with cutting out Diet Coke. Well, I couldn’t do it. He did. Fifteen years later and he hasn’t touched a drop of it since. READ MORE

What’d I Say?

No, see, I wear pleather because sometimes I have to hose it down because the guys... Ah, forget it. Dig the cool zippers, though!

There are times when I geniunely say thing I oughtn’t. Yeah, I know. We’ll all do.

But let me give you an example of my version of this gaffe. Back in college I worked at the local grocery in the photo lab. Most of the people I dealt with were students, usually sorority girls dropping off last night’s drunken formal shots. One of my flirting techniques was to say… READ MORE

My Body Writhes In Pleasure (on its own)

The Wang Show will begin in six minutes. Tell the neighbors!

This is maybe the weirdest thing about me, physically.

I’ll try to explain it because there’s no way in hell I’m going to show it to you. Let’s start at the beginning. When I was nineteen I bought a Steven Halpern chakra balancing cd. Right away I could feel these seven centers of energy, and could adjust the intensity of the feelings by focusing on them. During the music my head would lightly sway side to side. It was not me moving my head, or at least I wasn’t consciously. It just moved on it’s own. READ MORE

Passing Out at 8pm is Awesome

I am 100% not trying to make a joke here - I typed in "center of the universe" into the site where I get my images from and this popped up. Now I feel even more sick.

It’s 1am. Why am I awake?

About halfway through the day it occurred to me that I was sick. Which, for the past three years, has become a rare event. I was violently ill last Christmas Day and missed the holiday lying in bed puking. Don’t feel bad for me. I still received all the gifts. Wouldn’t that be awful if my parents had returned my presents because I wasn’t downstairs opening them with family? Even at thirty-six I would have been devastated. Do that to an eight-year old and you’ll create a future sociopath. READ MORE

I Was A Poet (But I Knew It)

That may be my favorite title to date.

When I was eighteen my friend Carter had written a bunch of poems at his high school. He went to a fancy prep school where they fostered and encouraged creativity. I went to a Catholic school. Enough said.

Carter was not in the drama club, didn’t own a black piece of clothing, and would be described as “very masculine.” I went through his poems. They were damned good. READ MORE

Cheer Someone Up With Fake Twitter Followers

I have a friend who is in the middle of a divorce.

Her ex-husband is causing emotional distress. They have a child and she’s unable to completely break from him. He’s not a bad guy but has a number of issues that he hasn’t  responsibly addressed. READ MORE

Shame Will Fuel This Weight Loss

The cat is also cutting calories starting today. Hopefully it's clear why.

I’m on a quest to lose ten pounds.

Why? Two reasons. One, I have too much body fat. While I eat pretty healthy, I eat too much. If I don’t regulate my caloric intake, I’m bound to eat everything  that’s awesome in the cupboard. I’m sure it’s a coping mechanism for some sort of sadness or whatever. Like if you don’t write comments at the end of each post. Yep – it’s your fault. If I die from too much food my attorney has been instructed to sue the lot of you. After we in punitive damages my will states that the casket is to be exhumed and your piles of dough are to be dumped in with my rotting corpse. This way, if heaven has a sundries shop, I can buy some stuff. READ MORE

Back To Basics

These guys would not be smiling if they saw the wasteland that is my ear canal.

In the past whenever I’ve deviated from my normal format – namely, writing about stupid things that happen throughout the day, it never ends up connecting.

Sometimes I do it  just to fill content. Earlier this year I started a “send me images and I’ll caption them” kind of thing. And while I was proud of the jokes, it just didn’t feel like what this blog is about. I’ve done the same type of experiment with other features. Anything that’s taken me a step away from my normal format ends up not really working. READ MORE

I Tackle a Woman’s Issue!

You wore THAT necklace? Totally clashes with the baby, yo. Fashion fail.

Earlier today I was goofing around with my blogger friend Erin Margolin about writing a post called “Breastfeeding in Public – A Dude’s Perspective.” If you’re not familiar, this is a hot button topic where women bloggers and readers are fired up on both sides. Apparently it’s a huge deal. READ MORE