Allison and D.J. Need Your Stupid Questions About Social Media

allison and dj fix your stupid problems about social media

I just blocked someone on social media.

This person owed me money. Quite a bit of money. Since I assume nobody is out to screw me over, I gave them a wide berth in paying it back. After months of hearing nothing, I reached out just to get an update. Their response when I politely asked on the status of the repayment was, “I agreed to that in a moment of vulnerability. I shouldn’t have. You’ll get it when I have it – no idea when that will be.” I stared at the computer screen in shock. This was a financial arrangement we had both decided was fair. The funny part was that I had never asked this person for repayment in the first place. They came to me knowing they owed me money and worked out a structure. Then, didn’t honor it. Before I could respond with a, “This has to be a joke, right?” she wrote, “Oh, and have fun on all those vacations you’re going on – you obviously don’t need the money.” READ MORE

Vote Kim Kardashian for President in 2036

Signing her first bill into office requiring women to wear false eyelashes at all times.

I almost met Paris Hilton once.

About fifteen years ago I was working as a marketer for a beer company. I toured around the country working with local distributors to set up and run events. I can’t remember exactly where we were (probably Los Angeles), but there was a rumor that Paris Hilton was going to come to this party we were attending. This was very exciting to me. I came up with a bit that I thought was amusing. I’d introduce myself as D.J. Paris and then say, “We should get married because then you’d be Paris Paris!” She’d laugh and we’d snap a picture. I’d pose on bended knee sliding a Ring Pop on her finger. The whole interaction would be less than a minute, but I’d be able to tell that story the rest of my life. Unfortunately she didn’t make it to the party that evening. I remember being pretty depressed. READ MORE

Children Aren’t Freaking Me Out as Much as They Used To

dj paris reading to child

The voice echoed from behind my right shoulder and I was surprised to hear my name.

“Uncle D.J. is going to read you a bedtime story. Go pick one out.”

I stopped and spun around. My friend Justin was walking his youngest son Jude to his bedroom. Not knowing much about four year olds, a bunch of questions raced through my head. How long do you have to read before a child falls asleep? Can’t they read themselves? I couldn’t recall a memory from my childhood where someone read to me. My earliest memories of life start at six years old, and I had been reading on my own for a few years at that point. My mother brags that I taught myself how to read at age four. And I guess now I’m bragging to you. Anyway, since I couldn’t recall a personal experience of being read to, what came to mind was Peter Faulk reading to that boy in The Princess Bride. And that movie was two hours long, for chrissakes. I can’t read aloud for that long. As a self-centered adult without children, if I spend more than ten minutes with one, I get nuts. READ MORE

Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About Parents

allison-and-dj-solve-your-stupid-problems-about-parents

Allison Arnone just celebrated a birthday. While a gentleman never reveals a woman’s age, let’s just say this wasn’t the big 2-1. Personally I find that women improve with age (trying to maintain a straight face while typing) and Allison is no different. I would argue she’s become a more beautiful person as she’s progressed. Believe me, she was a real mess just a few years prior. Either way, like a dutiful partner, I’m in for the long haul. Or until she stop returning my calls. This month you wrote in your issues regarding parents doing bad parent stuff. We meditated on these quandaries, and our thoughtful responses are about to be laid as your bequest. Our gifts to you. READ MORE

How I Came to Own a Glorious, Glorious Bidet

Here is my bidet attachment. Why my shower has wooden planks in it is another mystery.

Years ago back when I had around seven Twitter followers I made the following joke.

You know what commercial you never see during late-night tv? A family owned urinal/bidet store offering 0% financing for three years. #fb

— ThoughtsFromParis (@tfpHumorBlog) April 2, 2010 READ MORE

Allison and D.J. Need Your Stupid Questions About Parents

allison-and-dj-solve-your-stupid-problems-about-parents

Are your parents the reason you’re so screwy? You’d better believe it.

The author Robert Bly wrote something close to (I’m too lazy to look up the quote), “The question isn’t – Will we wound our children? The question is – How deep will the wound be?” In other words, the fact that you sleep until noon and fire bongloads all day watching COPS reruns might be related to the fact that your dad was a police officer who worked overtime and spent more time with perps than he did you. Or not. It could just be that you have a nasty pot addiction. And let’s face it, COPS is compelling television. They should change the name of the show to FLORIDA, but I’m getting off topic. READ MORE

R.I.P InThePowderRoom and Leslie Marinelli (she’s not dead, though)

The happy couple post-coitus.
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Women terrified me until I was twenty-two.

Without hyperbole I had a full, blown-out phobia of the fairer sex. Also bees. I can remember in first grade there was a girl who I wanted to date, or whatever we called it back then. I knew that I wasn’t good looking enough, however. That horrible self-image lasted until (in college) my first girlfriend told me that I was handsome. And she was beautiful. With her validation I realized that all those years I had been lying to myself. It’s not like after that moment I walked around campus believing I was chiseled from stone. But I no longer thought of myself as ugly. All it took was one person’s compliment and my lifetime of thinking I was gross-looking went away. I’d love to tell you that I came to an acceptance of my attractiveness through intense self-exploration and maturity. Nope. It just took the prettiest girl I knew to tell me I was hot. Sometimes that’s all you need. READ MORE