Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About Social Media

tina belcher

allison and dj fix your stupid problems about social media

Nobody is neutral about social media. All of us fall into one of three categories.

  • I should do less social media
  • I should do more social media
  • I’m not on social media

I think we can all agree that the I’m-not-on-social-media-guy is a little too proud to tell everyone that he’s not on social media. My guess is that he doesn’t have any friends and this is an overcompensation for only getting one “Happy birthday!” message on Facebook in 2013. In high school I used to say, “The prom is stupid. I’m not into it!” Which really meant, “No girl will go with me and on the night of the big dance I’m going to play guitar in the basement and cry.” This month Allison Arnone and I speak directly to the social media user and answer their questions directly about how to do more or less of it, but also how to do more or less of it better. Let’s go.

My beloved but crazy sister and her jerk husband actually worked for the Trump campaign. They constantly post pro-Trump material on Facebook.  They believe every lie ever told by the alt right and share it.  I have no problem with blocking my brother in law from my feed, but I hate to block my sister.  She also posts about my nephews and her grandchildren which I don’t want to miss.  I thought I just had to gut it out through the election, but the gloating now is hard to take.  Any suggestions?  Thanks! – Snoozin Susan

D.J. – Believe it or not I actually have a real answer for this before I launch into my normal silliness. Add FB Purity and you can customize the feed so that you only see boring pictures of the kids and not any of the political stuff. But, and here’s another thought – instead of using the plug-in, I recommend out-crazying the crazy. The next time she links to a Breitbart story, write a comment like, “Hmm… this is really interesting. I’m going to think about this.” Then, a week later comment, “I may be comin’ round on this Roe v. Wade thing. Need to pray on it.” Finally, do a, “Okay, I’m sold. I just bought a shitload of guns from Walmart. Big plans ahead. Watch the news.”

Allison – Sorry, just need to yell at D.J. for a minute.  UM, DEEJ, why the HELL didn’t you tell me about this little invention say, 3 months ago?!  It would have saved me from unfriending half the universe and ALSO saved me from the aggravation of having to see pro-Trump statuses in my feed!  

So where was I?  Oh, right — here’s what I’d do, Susan: unfollow your sister (that’s different from unfriending) and also change your settings so if YOU post anything, she doesn’t see it either.  Then you can tell her “I don’t ever go on Facebook anymore but still want to make sure I see pics of the kiddos; can you text or email them directly to me?”  As a person who understands how triggering the Trump stuff is, you need to banish it from your life completely.  THIS IS FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH; IT’S IMPORTANT.

How do you handle people asking you to share their stuff on your social media that you would never, ever, in your life want to share? Is there a way to do that besides just ignoring them? – D

D.J. – My deceased friend Bill Flynn taught me that all you ever owe someone is the truth. That being said, I suggest lying. Tell them, “I can’t really get into it as I’m under gag order, but Facebook took away my ability to share posts.” When they write back with, “Really? What happened?” just say you ran into Mark Zuckerberg at a party and you got drunk and were rude and called his wife a tart. Then, follow it up with, “Oh shoot – the damned gag order! Please erase this message. I’m such a ding-dong!”

P.S. I truly hope your last name is Eeznuts.

Allison – Easy.  Start charging them.  “Yes, I know I used to promote your homemade-kitten-sweater business but that was BEFORE I had 1,000 followers on Instagram and now I just can’t do it for free.  Sorry; I got too popular.  Do you think Kylie Jenner promotes those gross digestive tea things OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF HER HEART?  Anyway, I accept Venmo if you still want me to do it.”

I constantly see people responding to celebrities’ tweets with “King,” “Father,” “Queen,” “Mother” etc. Why do they do this? And how do I make them stop? – Jerry

D.J. – I, for one, find it refreshing that some people are remembering that celebrities are, in fact, better than the rest of us. Would I love to be called “Duke” by my Twitter followers? Sure! No wait – let’s do “Prince.” Not like the former singer. Like Prince Charles. That would be so boss. Hold on a sec – maybe “Lord.” You know what? I’m not greedy. Any of them is fine. Except “Baron.” I’m way above Baron, obviously.

Allison – Listen, Jerry, when you see me responding “Queen” on all of Beyonce’s posts and photos I’m just giving Bey the proper respect that a Queen deserves.   And she IS a GODDAMN QUEEN, do you hear me?!??!

Side note: I’ve seen people respond to Kanye West’s tweets with “dad” and it’s SUPER weird.  If I were little North or whatever-the-hell-the-son’s name is I’d be a little annoyed.

kim kanye baby

Why is “poking” still a thing on FB? And what was it’s original purpose anyway? Like really?! Stop poking me people. I won’t poke back! – Jenn

D.J. – I did a little research and it turns out that poking was invented in 1984, one of the first years of Facebook. The only thing you could do back then was poke! Don’t forget that keyboards weren’t invented until the mid-90s. So your 1984 Facebook Set-Top Electronic Console (remember those?) only had a monitor, an on-off switch, and a big red button. After turning it on and after connecting to the network the only feature was being able to poke your friends. Then, they’d poke back. You’d poke again. They’d double-poke you. (you get the idea.) It was actually a lot of fun. Simpler times.

Allison – Jenn, if you’re still getting “poked” in 2016, block this person immediately because they’re obviously a complete psychopath.  Ugh, it’s D.J., isn’t it?  It’s totally D.J.  

How to shut down FB profile/page – mary ellen

D.J. – Oh, shutting down a Facebook page requires assistance from your local government. Aldermen, in particular, can authorize this action, but you will need to show up at their office and plead your case. There’s a strict two minute limit (they ARE busy running their ward!), but don’t worry, there will be an official timekeeper there to make sure you’re not short-changed. This isn’t required, but I’d go to Kinkos and have some visual aids printed to support your argument. Also, wear a super-tight sweater, because we all know that aldermen dig boobs.

Allison – Um, mom?  How many times do I have to tell you this is not Google?

I have a friend (frenemy?) who is constantly posting passive aggressive things about me online. If I have to cancel plans, she’ll post something like “People are so unreliable” and I KNOW she means me. Should I call it out? It’s super annoying…if you’re mad at me for something just say it to my face and grow up! – Annoyed

D.J. – You got it all wrong. It’s WAY better to have someone talk crap about you behind your back or in a passive aggressive way! Who wants to be called a turd for cancelling plans to their face? Not this guy! But if you’re worried that other friends of hers will figure out that it’s you, a little subterfuge is in order. Just write comment under it – “You’re talking about Sharon, right? She cancels on me, too! #f*cksharon” (Note – this won’t work if either of you is named Sharon.)

Allison – To echo what D.J said, I love the idea of seeing posts like this and KNOWING they’re about you but pretending they aren’t.  “Yikes,” you could say to your pal, “Looks like you’re having some serious friend trouble over there!  Wanna talk about it?  I’m dying to know who that’s about!”  It’ll totally throw them off and make them believe their stupid little passive aggressive game isn’t working.  Of course you’ll be acting passive aggressively back towards them with YOUR little game, but that’s OK because we’re all petty and immature.

The mysterious one liners. Co-worker posts “this is the worst. Don’t ask” – um, ok. Friend from high school “Something big is happening, but can’t say what. Prayers, please” – um, for what???? I feel like saying “can’t you just get your insecurity fix by posting selfies like the rest of us!” – Melissa

D.J. – Another opportunity to have some comment-fun. For the “this is the worst. Don’t ask.” write back with, “Trust me, I already know. It’s beyond the worst. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Good luck!” For the “prayers, please” write, “PERFECT timing – I just converted to Hindu and they have a God for everything. The thing is I need to know which one to pray to. They get super pissed if you pray the wrong thing to the wrong God. I once asked Shiva for help figuring out my taxes, and Shiva got offended and put all these locusts in my garden. Old school plague stuff. Ruined the tomatoes. Anyway, let me know!”

Allison – When I see the “don’t ask” cryptic posts and statuses, I do exactly what the person is PRETENDING they want, but really don’t: to be ignored and left alone.  The worst thing you can do to someone who is desperately craving attention is to not give it to them.  “EVERYTHING SUCKS AND IS THE WORST AND I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVEEEEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME BUT I *DON’T* EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT” — well, for starters, you do — but I’m not going to ask.  Ever.  Not online, not if and when I see you in person, not ten years from now, NEVER.  Even if it’s secretly killing me inside because I’m dying to know, I will not cave.   You have to ignore these posts, Melissa; I implore you.  It’s the only way to stop this madness.  

Also, if you’re a person who posts things like this?  Grow up.

Everything about social media is on my nerves lately, especially anyone who adds me to groups for shit they’re selling WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST. How can I make it stop? – J

D.J. – This is a woman-on-woman crime. Men don’t have side businesses where we sell organic eye-cream to our buddies. Not that I couldn’t use a little touch up around the lashes. I mean, hey, who doesn’t want to look more youthful? Wait, did you say it also reverses aging? So, I can get moisturized AND live longer? And it’s only $32 a tube? How do I set up an auto-shipment for every other month? My credit card number is 348096051537313. Is AMEX cool? Because it’s an AMEX. Hey – let’s talk about me selling it, too. Call me Thursday.

Allison – Oh, dear God.  I have so many things to say about this.  Look, I get it.  Some people have side hustles.  Some people don’t work full-time but are still looking for some income — I respect that.  But there’s a difference between:

“Hey, I’m now working for a Skincare company that sells all kinds of products perfect for your acne-prone skin that you probably shouldn’t still have at 34 soooo anyway if you ever want to hear more about it or order anything let me know!”

and:

“You have now been added into a Skincare Facebook group of 50,000 women against your will.  You will be assaulted with a barrage of posts, comments, alerts and notifications and they will NEVER stop.  Good luck trying to find the button to leave this group; it’s hidden in a secret place.  Don’t even bother, you live here now.  BUY ALL THE THINGS.”

There’s gotta be a better way to promote and sell your leggings/eyelashes/zit cream/stick-on-nails and whatever else, but sadly this is a social media epidemic us ladies do have to face.  I say just find the Holy Grail that is the “Leave Group” button IMMEDIATELY and make no mention of it to the ‘friend’ who forced you into that group to begin with.  Eyelash extensions aren’t worth losing a friendship over.  

Or are they?

tina belcher