I didn’t do anything remotely funny today.
Truth is, I’m feeling a bit sad. After nearly three weeks of being here, Jessica is heading back to Atlanta in a few days with her cat and dog. It’s been over two years since my wife moved out, and to have somebody at home has been wonderful.
I found myself criticizing her quite a bit while she was here. Now, she does basically nothing that a sane person would find annoying. She’s great. But I still found things to pick on.
This trip, however, about halfway through going off on a rant about something she should be doing differently, I would think, “I’m trying to control this person. Why?”
Because I feel that often I don’t control my own life well.
So, about a dozen times these past weeks, in the middle of some point I was trying to make to her, I would just stop and say, “You know what? I’m trying to change your behavior, and control you. That is about me – not you. I’m sorry.”
Now, before you hail me as a hero (too late – you did), realize I had already abused her by trying to make her feel stupid. I would apologize, but the damage had been done.
This really is a big step forward because eventually I’ll feel the feeling that prompts me to be controlling and critical and realize that I really need something else and I’m lashing out to get it. Then I’ll learn how to cope with that feeling, and won’t need to be harsh to people.
I waxed on for thirty minutes yesterday trying to tell her she should feel like shit for a nasty thing she said to an ex-boyfriend. She didn’t feel bad about it whatsoever. I told her she should be ashamed. On minute twenty-nine I stopped and said out loud, “I’m totally nuts. Why do I need to make you wrong? Forget anything I said.” Plus, I realized I didn’t have any problem with what she said to the boyfriend.
So, I guess yelling at somebody and then at the end saying, “You know what? I’m trying to control and shame you. Let’s forget this conversation ever took place,” is sort of funny. Not funny for her as much.
Oh, this is funny. She wraps her toothbrush in toilet paper and puts it on the counter. When asked why she says that you flush the toilet after a hearty two that doody particles fly through the air and land on your bristles. I use mine to brush my dog’s teeth as well as my own.
I am going to try to not criticize her for this crazy doody theory. But I want to. I want to so bad. Please, just this once. I have to.
