I didn’t do anything remotely funny today.
Truth is, I’m feeling a bit sad. After nearly three weeks of being here, Jessica is heading back to Atlanta in a few days with her cat and dog. It’s been over two years since my wife moved out, and to have somebody at home has been wonderful.
I found myself criticizing her quite a bit while she was here. Now, she does basically nothing that a sane person would find annoying. She’s great. But I still found things to pick on.
This trip, however, about halfway through going off on a rant about something she should be doing differently, I would think, “I’m trying to control this person. Why?”
Because I feel that often I don’t control my own life well.
So, about a dozen times these past weeks, in the middle of some point I was trying to make to her, I would just stop and say, “You know what? I’m trying to change your behavior, and control you. That is about me – not you. I’m sorry.”
Now, before you hail me as a hero (too late – you did), realize I had already abused her by trying to make her feel stupid. I would apologize, but the damage had been done.
This really is a big step forward because eventually I’ll feel the feeling that prompts me to be controlling and critical and realize that I really need something else and I’m lashing out to get it. Then I’ll learn how to cope with that feeling, and won’t need to be harsh to people.
I waxed on for thirty minutes yesterday trying to tell her she should feel like shit for a nasty thing she said to an ex-boyfriend. She didn’t feel bad about it whatsoever. I told her she should be ashamed. On minute twenty-nine I stopped and said out loud, “I’m totally nuts. Why do I need to make you wrong? Forget anything I said.” Plus, I realized I didn’t have any problem with what she said to the boyfriend.
So, I guess yelling at somebody and then at the end saying, “You know what? I’m trying to control and shame you. Let’s forget this conversation ever took place,” is sort of funny. Not funny for her as much.
Oh, this is funny. She wraps her toothbrush in toilet paper and puts it on the counter. When asked why she says that you flush the toilet after a hearty two that doody particles fly through the air and land on your bristles. I use mine to brush my dog’s teeth as well as my own.
I am going to try to not criticize her for this crazy doody theory. But I want to. I want to so bad. Please, just this once. I have to.
Becky G says:
Well, definitely not hero (although I did get a chuckle out of that), but I admire you for taking the time to stop and think through why you were acting the way you were. I do believe most people either don’t bother to, or don’t care and let whatever it is fuck up a perfectly good relationship. Hopefully your girl recognizes that even though you have something to sort through, you acknowledge it and are trying your best not to let it plop down in the middle of you two. All the best to both of you.
about100percent says:
Ahh… that feeling that you’re trying to control others because you can’t control yourself – this is totally normal. At least that’s what I tell myself. Very insightful post.
Lee Anne says:
It takes a strong determination to be a better you, to apologize and realize one’s own shortcomings like you did. Kudos to you! There really is a learning experience in every aspect of our lives, if only we are willing to see.
Craziness Abounds says:
Actually it’s a fact about the flushing thing. It’s pretty nasty. The good news is although you haven’t learned to correct your behavior before you open your mouth, you are at least realizing what you are doing. You won’t keep her for long though if you don’t correct that. Women are like cats. Stroked the right way they will do anything. Rub them wrong and you will get scratched. Try positive reinforcement. You will be amazed at the difference not only in her but in you.
JenOsaurus says:
I watched a 20/20 (or something like it) report on the poo particles a few years back. If I remember correctly, it’s really not enough to worry about. And hopefully I remember correctly because if I’m the type of person to think “Oh, I need to cover my toothbrush to protect it from poo? Pish posh, I’ll worry about that when I’m older”, I am very disappointed in myself.
Katjaneway says:
This is something that might actually help me in my own life! And congrats to you for being able to stop yourself. When I’m angry I don’t stop. I’m a freight train. I can make things so horribly worse and then we crash and burn together. What fun. If I could learn to stop – wow. And yes, the toilet thing is true. However, fixing it is easy. Put the seat down before you flush! lol My bathroom has a wall in between the toilet and sink, which helps. Plus my toothbrush comes with a little plastic cover. I don’t obsess over germs. In fact, I’m pretty gross about eating 2 day old pizza left on the counter and shit like that. But who wants toilet water on their brush?? 😉
NeoMe says:
http://www.healthiertalk.com/exposed-toothbrushes-risk-contamination-flushed-toilets-3474
*ugh* We use those plastic caps that go over the toothbrush head…and those I disinfect regularly using distilled vinegar!
Marie says:
Hi DJ! This is the first post I’ve read off your blog (via our mutual Twitter follow).
Been married 3 times and about to renew vows with my husband after 5 years of similar crap.
One thing I think we do in relationships is act out our needs, yes. Need to control, or maybe someone does something that gets under our skin, but since it’s our Significant Other, it carries a HUGE amount of weight. Emotionally charged, yes?
I finally looked at my husband the other day and saw him not as my husband, but as a person again. First off, he does some things that I would NEVER put up with if he were merely a roommate. And so do I, he puts up with a lot of my odd (and somewhat alien to him, having been a bachelor for 50+ years before we got married 5+ years ago) behavior.
I remember something a therapist told me years ago: “He’s never going to change.” And I started to cry, because I had “wasted” years of my life trying to get the love of my life to change. this was my Bad Boy Artist period. If only I did this or that, he would change. He would See The Light and act the way I thought he should act, instead of simply being himself. Now, being himself meant criticizing me constantly and stepping out with other women and blaming me for his bad behavior. So my job was to accept that while I had been in love with the IDEA of him, the reality was, he was a jerk, and definitely not my cup of tea. Especially after he shoved me around (that was the end of that, and yes, I did press charges, for which he also blamed me, typical).
I remember when I had roommates. I hated it. I couldn’t WAIT to live on my own. Then I met a nice guy, and moved in with him. We married, had a child, he adopted my daughter, and things were great. Until I fell into the trap of trying to change myself for him and then expecting him to change for me. We divorced, mostly amicably. We can now hold a decent conversation (and thank goodness I can hang up and not have to live with him).
Then I met Mr. Wonderful (aka Bad Boy Artist). So romantic. Told me I was pretty, took me to dinner, all those lovely things you want someone to do after being taken for granted in a relationship. Then we moved in together. Discovered he was anal retentive, weighed himself every day and stopped eating if he gained a pound and expected me to do the same. Hated my habits, my friends, my outlook on life. Criticized strangers we saw in parking lots, I mean, I used to cringe hearing him constantly put down their clothing choices, their weight, etc. I didn’t realize he was doing it to me because I thought, oh, he’s an artist, he must have good taste, and they’re all eccentric, right? Wrong. He was just a garden-variety jerk.
I guess my point is, living with someone, anyone, is a challenge, to put it nicely. Is Jessica putting toilet paper on a toothbrush harming you? Is her saying something nasty about an ex harming you? If she were merely a friend or roommate, would you have gone off on her like that? What was the trigger point, the spark that lit the flame of your anger at her comment to the ex? “That wasn’t polite?” or “I have had ex’s do that to me.” Or “she might embarrass me someday with her blunt manner?”
Believe me, I have gone off on my husband for many things. And I have come to realize that just because there is a piece of paper issued by the government, it doesn’t give me the right to play the part of Mother/Nagging Wife, all those stereotypes I was raised with and continue to fight against, within my psyche, every day. He has never asked me to be other than myself, and his comments don’t come from a place of deliberate criticism or self-righteousness. He’s just who he is, and sometimes he bumbles about the kitchen, dropping my pots and denting them, or says something I deem insensitive at the wrong moment, but inside, he is a loving and kind person, who loves me deeply, loves animals, and would do anything for me. So while I may have pink socks because he doesn’t believe in sorting laundry, I also have someone who will bring me a piece of chocolate cake, rub my feet, and cover me with a blanket when I am cold. And pink socks never harmed anyone.
Good luck! Kudos to you for recognizing something in yourself and becoming more aware, and I hope everything works out between you two! Nice blog, look forward to reading more!
The Hipster Owl's Bookshelf says:
Very interesting post. It made me think about past relationships which have hurt me, and thus caused me to fall into the pit of being a control freak. I think you hit it on the jackpot. Since we don’t feel fully in control of our own lives, we feel the need to control SOMETHING … and well…that never ends well! lol XD
Great post! Thanks for sharing with such blunt honesty. I’m sure many of us identify with you, and it always helps to know that you’re not alone.
AlwaysARedhead says:
Your girlfriend is 100% right with wrapping her tooth brush in toilet paper. Maybe if you are uncomfortable with the toilet paper you could buy her some nice pretty paper to use?
Jess says:
As much as I live for humor, it is so refreshing to read a sincere topic now and again. This particular post was thought-provoking and SO relatable. I know that so many other spouses/partners are saying, “Hey! Haha, yeah, you do that too, don’t you honey?…Honey?”
But seriously, human behavior is so mind-boggling, which is why it is always fun to celebrate with someone when they have an “AHA!” moment about their own behavioral mishaps. I think we all suck at communicating to some degree in some form, and it’s never easy to tame the beast within. We all have nasty habbitses that we hate to acknowledge but love to subconsciously loose on our next victim, typically our partner. Exhibit A–our T.P. toothbrush dilemma. Heh…they just make it too eeeeasy, don’t they? (Apologies to Girlfriend Jessica. I like your name; very nice. And I sympathize because I may or may not do the toothbrush thing, too. So really, who am I kidding?) We nitpick things about our spouse that we never really cared about in the first place or, like you stated, we badger our partner about something because of other underlying reasons.
Bottom line, you’ve owned up to it like a Man, with a capital “M.” Well done! Truly, I find that awesome because a lot of people struggle to do just that. I really enjoyed this post–it humanizes you and now I don’t feel so alone in my cynicism and failures. 😉 And, despite your warnings, I have this here pedestal for you. Use generously and with fervor, rinse, and repeat.
Best wishes to both you and Girlfriend Jessica. 🙂 I anticipate your next post.