Yesterday I wrote about how I can fall asleep faster than Jessie Owens sprinting to the bathroom with diarrhea.
Nice – I managed to work in a Jessie Owens reference. Need to update my references. Not very timely.
Since I spend more time on my back than the ladies of a Thai cathouse, I thought I’ve give you some ways to spice up things in the bedroom. No this list isn’t dirty. You can figure out your own grossness. I’m talking about the purity of awesome that is sleeping.
I’ve wanted to write about my control issues for a long time, but I was never sure how to articulate it effectively.
I’m still wholly unsure.
In fact, I have no idea how this thing is going to turn out, and I’m massively insecure about it. Oh well. I can always go back to stories about falling through glass tables.
When my wife called me on a Wednesday and told me she had filed for divorce, I didn’t know what to do.
I went into shock. My biggest fear had become realized. Even though she had not mentioned the word divorce any our past therapy sessions in hindsight there were signs she was planning an escape. I just didn’t think the prison break would come that particular Wednesday. It was cowardly to do without mentioning to me in advance, and I was angry. I was also terrified. I felt like a failure. I needed to do something fast.
A friend recently pleaded with me to change my photo here on the site.
He said it didn’t look like me and didn’t capture my silliness. Plus, he said it made me look like a bad man. He then went into detail about what kind of criminal I resembled. Without going into specifics let’s just say it wasn’t flattering.
I have a habit where I make a bunch of promises that, in the moment, seem perfectly doable.
Then a few days go by and I realize, “Ugh, I don’t want to do this at all.” In the past month alone I thought of writing an ebook unrelated to this blog, starting a site for male humor bloggers, and working on a podcast. The podcast thing is actually happening, and we’ll see how it goes. But, if after a few episodes it turns into a bust, oh well.
I went out today to buy a cat-pee tarp.
My cat Pantaloons has a problem with inappropriate elimination. I’ve written about it on this blog at least a dozen times. Over the years I’ve tried a number of solutions including rubbing Prozac in her ears. Every so often, no matter what, she pees on my comforter or clothes left on the ground. After a lot of research online I’ve determined that this is probably just a brain glitch that can’t be corrected. If I’m wrong and one day I find a solution, awesome.
I had a bit of an emotional revelation last night.
This is different than an intellectual revelation, which is a consciousness to a solution. I’m pretty good at that stuff about solving problems. Whether I’m trying to figure out a new business development strategy at work or delve into my own psyche, I usually come up with the “answer.” I can’t often implement it, however. This is where support groups and therapy and intimate friendships are helpful.
I’m about to change your life.
Now, that’s a pretty bold claim. You are right to doubt. Many charlatans will separate you and your money with such proclamations!
I want nothing other than your attention. Well, actually, down the road I will want your money when I write a book, or come out with a line of crappy t-shirts and sports bras.
I wore a nice shirt and tie to work today.
For the previous year I have been in nothing more upscale then my Lucky Brand jeans. In the summer I wear shorts and a polo shirt.
Mostly this is because I bike to work every day, which leaves me completely soaked with perspiration by the time I enter the office. Since I shower in the morning, I don’t smell bad. I towel off the sweat in the bathroom and change clothes.
I'll never give this child another cigarette, pinky swears!
