Yesterday I wrote about how I can fall asleep faster than Jessie Owens sprinting to the bathroom with diarrhea.
Nice – I managed to work in a Jessie Owens reference. Need to update my references. Not very timely.
Since I spend more time on my back than the ladies of a Thai cathouse, I thought I’ve give you some ways to spice up things in the bedroom. No this list isn’t dirty. You can figure out your own grossness. I’m talking about the purity of awesome that is sleeping.
If you’re bored like me with a standard bedtime routine, here’s a few ways I change things from time to time.
- The Bed and Breakfast
For this you need two bedrooms. Sorry studio and one-bedders. You’ll have to aspire to this one. Here’s what you do – visit your guest bedroom like you’d be checking into a Connecticut getaway. Put on new sheets (change them from the last time you had overnight visitors – you know you never changed them last time) and get ready for some fun. If you have a partner make sure to let them know they are not invited. Remember, this is your vacation. You’ll wake up refreshed and slightly confused that you’re in a strange room that you normally never visit. Sure the mattress is second-hand and hides some cat pee stains, but who cares? You’re on holiday!
- Go to Bed High
No drugs involved here. I don’t do them and you shouldn’t either. Unless, of course you’re more fun on them. Actually I don’t care what you do. Anyway, here’s a way to get legally stoned and ensure that you have wild dreams. You must go out and purchase the extra-strength Breathe Right strips. These will f you up whether you have a deviated septum or not. You’ll be delivering twice the normal amount of O2 to your bloodstream and nervous system. I’m telling you, you’ll start flying around the room as soon as you close your eyes. You’ll wake up refreshed like you wouldn’t believe. Also, no hangover.
- Clothes On
This is a new one that I’ve been working on. For the past two weeks I’ve slept with my clothes. I decided to see what it would be like if I went to bed fully dressed. I actually put on jeans and a short sleeved t-shirt. Oh, and socks. I had a theory that I wouldn’t wake up all sweaty. Hypothesis tested! I passed and awoke feeling like it was time to start the day. Give it a shot. But don’t sleep in your work clothes – that’s nasty. Do the decent thing. Take them off and then get redressed in going-out attire. Take your shoes off, though. You’re not a savage, for chrissakes.
- Reverse SleepGirl
Sorry for the bad joke there. This one is simple. Just put your head where your feet should be. You’ll wake up all screwed up and feel like you’re in a strange place since the surroundings will be seen from a different perspective. The downside is that you have to redo your sheets and move the pillows six feet. But it’s worth it. Also, make sure your partner is going to participate. You don’t want a face-full of feet.
I only do this one a few times year. It’s like camping. You go to sleep on the carpet. I only have wood floors which makes it an extra challenge. I think it’s supposed to be good for your back, but what I am, some sort of doctor that specializes in backs and shit? All I know is that it’s fun and a total surprise to see if you’ll wake up crippled in the morning.
- The Nirvana
Want to take a nap but don’t want to get your balls busted by the other half? Tell them that you need to meditate and head to the bedroom. Now the most common meditation position is the lotus with the finger tip circle thing, right? Well, if you want to go to sleep that shit is hard. I recommend lying down on your back. You’ll take some deep breaths, head to your private oasis, and then pass out within minutes. You’ll be in snoozeville for thirty minutes and have one good dream. Your stress will be reduced and nobody can accuse you of being lazy. Sure you might snore like a bastard but you can tell the wife it’s a new yogic breathing technique.
I do at least a few of these a week. It’s fun and a way to change up your old routine. Try one or two and see if you sleeping enjoyment increases. I mean, you’ll still dream of that college exam with the class you blew off all semester. Your therapist will have to help you with that one.
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