I Sleep Weird

Man Passed Out on Subway Platform
You're doing it all wrong - use the briefcase as the pillow, stupid!

Recently my girlfriend mentioned that I was a picky eater. This was an unacceptable observation to me. I pride myself on being willing to consume anything. I’ve even made proclamations that I’d probably try both dog and cat, and I have both a dog and a cat. See? I’m a fun, free-wheeling kind of guy!

Except I don’t eat mayonnaise, horseradish, cream cheese, sour cream or tuna fish that comes in a can. All that stuff skeeves me out. I guess I’m mostly condiment picky. ‘Tis okay. I can live with myself. I’ve had lengua. That takes courage.

I’m, however, the least picky sleeper you will ever meet. I’d be a fantastic bum because park benches look like a California Kings to my eyes. I could easily pass out within forty-five seconds and without the help of fortified wine.

This is what a great sleeper I am. When I first moved to Chicago I went and rented a studio apartment. I had just signed the lease and the landlord told me I could move in the next day. I go so tired walking around the 450 square feet that I looked for a place to crash. Since the place was empty the only option was the hardwood floor. I then eyed the countertop in the kitchen. Could I?

I did.

I jumped up on the counter and laid on my back, my nose mere inches from the bottom of the cupboard. I found a yellow pages to put under my head as makeshift pillow. Never even occurred to me that I could have rolled off the counter and broke a rib. Also didn’t occur to me to lock the door.

I can’t imagine what the property manager would have thought if she came back and saw her new tenant passed out on the kitchen linoleum countertop.

Oh, I have a great sleep inducer for you if you’re having trouble taking a two-hour power nap in the middle of the day. Since I’m on vacation right now I’m not doing a whole lot this week. Every day so far I’ve managed to sneak in a few hours of dream-time in the early p.m. But, today I just couldn’t find the energy to sleep. I was too awake, sadly. This would not do!

My parents have one of those big jacuzzi tubs in their bedroom. I starting filling it up with hot water (by the way, during this time I actually did fall asleep – my mother had to come wake me up to tell me the bath was ready). I went to the tub with my snacks and NA beer and soaked for a good twenty minutes. I barely made it out of the tub without fainting. Three hours later I woke up refreshed and ready for dinner.

I just got back from dinner and I’m writing this before going to bed. I could pass out any second, and I suspect my editing skill will not be in top notch shape. Forgive me if I neglect to resolve a participle.

So, at dinner tonight I started listing out all the funny ways I sleep. Creativity is a interesting phenomenon. I have to carry around a note-taking device so that when it strikes I record it. If I don’t, two minutes later the idea is gone. During dinner I grabbed my phone suddenly and started scribbling onto it with the stylus. Yes, it was rude to do in the middle of oysters Rockefeller, but this was important!

Funny Ways I Sleep – this is the header in the note, written on my phone in cursive.

I’m thirty-seven and a half years old. I shouldn’t get this fired up about this degree of “creative brilliance.” It ain’t exactly going to turn into  Finnegan’s Wake.

Tomorrow I will write a new post on all the ways that I sleep weird that I will encourage you to try. If you read it you’ll get a mild chuckle – there’s definitely a few good ones in there. Me? I’ll be dreaming the whole time. Have a great night.


Man Passed Out on Subway Platform
You’re doing it all wrong – use the briefcase as the pillow, stupid!

photo credit: tokyoform via photopin cc