I Plan My High School Reunions Because Nobody Wanted to Make Out With Me in High School

Maybe the finest example of this cinematic archetype - Can't Buy Me Love. He went from geek status to sheik status to no status. Plus, he shit on Kenneth Wurman's house. That was not cool.

I would rate my high school experience overall a 6.5.

My friends were a solid 9. No complaints there. Here’s how you know they performed well – they’re still largely my best friends today. Enough said.

Schoolwork was a 6. I should have done better grade-wise. To be fair I do have a moderate case of ADD. and it was undiscovered while in high school. That aside, I could have edged up the GPA a bit. But, fuck it. I got into the school I wanted by November of senior year and I had lots of cheap whiskey to drink. I was in the honors classes, but definitely one of the dumber kids. So, not a lot to bitch about there, either. READ MORE

My Cat’s Totally High (and not on catnip)

Not only does this freak me out because it looks evil, but this guy kind of resembles yours truly.

I have promised never to mention cat pee problems again, but I just have to this once. It’s funny.

This post will not be about cat pee, by the way.

One of the challenges with  administering  Prozac to my cat is how to get it in her body. There’s really only a few options. The first is to shotgun it in her mouth with a plastic syringe. This is most effective, yet most dangerous. There are all sorts of videos on how to fire a pill down a cat’s throat, and it’s usually a two person job. You can do the liquid Prozac this way, too. What happened with my cat is that within a week she started hiding from me. The only other option is transdermal gel. You rub it into the inside of her ears. There’s a lot of debate about the efficacy of this technique since the drug molecules may or may not enter the cat’s membranes due to size. READ MORE

Another ThoughtsFromParis Contest!

Cozy Kimono Bodysuit

I’m proud to work with another fine sponsor to give away some more crap!

Win a  Kate Quinn Organics  Cozy Kimono Bodysuit and Pants Courtesy of MaxMay!

The clothes range in sizes from 0-18 months and come in blue or pink. Makes a great holiday gift for that one friend you never sent a wedding present to and feel guilty about. READ MORE

She Liked My Whole “Look” (But I Never Showed Her My Bluetooth)

Who needs God's judgment when I have my own? And why is that dude taking a dump with the sun as a backdrop? I judge this.

Okay, this is going to sound benign but it really bothered me today.

I was embarrassed to be wearing my bluetooth headset while grocery shopping. Now, had I been having a conversation with an actual person, I would have felt more comfortable. But all I was doing was listening to a podcast. Sometimes I bring my headphones with me because, in my mind, it’s socially acceptable to be wearing headphones in public. But having a bluetooth headset is geeky and lame. READ MORE

Want To Help Me Edit My First Book?

Best. Meme. Ever.

I’m in the process of working on my first book.

No, it’s not the book that will come out late 2013. That’s a little ways down the road. This one needs to get done first.

Without going into too much detail, I need a little help. There’s some editing that I’d like your input on. But, there’s also some busy work. The busy work entails doing some copying and pasting before the actual editing. What I think makes the most sense is to have four people assist – that way we can divvy up the workload and it won’t take long at all. READ MORE

Want a 2012 ThoughtsFromParis Holiday Card?

These children need to be taken into protective custody, stat. STAT!

It’s that time of the year – the holidays.

The end of the year where you get excited about spending time with family. Then, through old conditioning and  dysfunction your self-esteem becomes neutralized. Finally, you can’t wait to get the hell out of there. Mom can still make you crazy, and, let’s face it, you’re not exactly running around helping your folks clean up. They want you gone, too. READ MORE

I Got Pulled Over Again!

The whistle never leaves the mouth and the gloves never come off. And yet, we still don't respect the traffic cop.

For the second time in about six months, I got pulled over.

I was driving to a doctor’s appointment this evening and talking to the friend I wrote about the other day where I offered to eat her kidney stone. I live in Chicago and it’s impossible to speed. I’m even one of those nerds that does a complete stop at stop signs. I’m not all law-abidin’, though. I turn on red all the time even when there isn’t a turn arrow in the left lane or if there’s a “no turn on red” sign in the right lane. I’m an outlaw when it comes to turning. But, this time I know I was just driving along at 27 mph through downtown Evanston. READ MORE

The Girl I See Every Day on the Train

Mine looks exactly like this. I got it free during a charity dog walk I did or some shit.

This happens every year.

I ride the subway to and from work during the winter months. Lately I’ve noticed that I’m one of the older people. It’s mostly kids in their twenties. At thirty-six I don’t feel too old to take the train. In NYC you have people in walkers dropping dead on the D line. But here in Chicago the “L” (short for “elevated train”) is a young man’s game. Even the pretty women look too young. They’re twenty-five but look like children. I’m getting older. READ MORE

I Almost Ate One of Your Kidney Stones

Kidney Stones - the world's most disappointing rock candy lookalike.

One of my most dedicated readers and fellow bloggers passed a kidney stone today.

When I asked her to describe the pain (or lack of) she wrote, “It was like someone stabbed me in the back and then spun me around on the blade for six hours.” (Hyperbole much, Nicole?) If anything she’s more apt to make a joke of something that tell you how painful it really feels. She was even the hospital for a full day because it was serious. READ MORE