I Plan My High School Reunions Because Nobody Wanted to Make Out With Me in High School

patrick dempsey you can't buy me love

I would rate my high school experience overall a 6.5.

My friends were a solid 9. No complaints there. Here’s how you know they performed well – they’re still largely my best friends today. Enough said.

Schoolwork was a 6. I should have done better grade-wise. To be fair I do have a moderate case of ADD. and it was undiscovered while in high school. That aside, I could have edged up the GPA a bit. But, fuck it. I got into the school I wanted by November of senior year and I had lots of cheap whiskey to drink. I was in the honors classes, but definitely one of the dumber kids. So, not a lot to bitch about there, either.

While I wasn’t super cool, I did have one of my best friends who was super cool at a rival high school. If I didn’t get invited to the big parties at our school (mostly I didn’t), I would hang with the guys at the other school. Over there I was cooler than I was at my high school. I highly recommend this strategy if you’re a teenage misfit. Pretty much every teen comedy has some version of this dynamic.

patrick dempsey you can't buy me love

Can’t Buy Me Love – Maybe the finest cinematic example of the changed-loser high school archetype. He went from geek status to king status to no status. Plus, he shit on Kenneth Wurman’s house. That is not cool.

My dating life, however, was a 0. Now,the main issue is that I was terrified of women. Like a lot of adolescents I thought I was beyond ugly. My lot in life was that I was destined to be alone without a woman. Even with that understanding I still was social. Studying comedy your whole life pays off when you want to be around women without actually talking to them. So, instead of dating I played a went bowling with my buddies, played lot of guitar, watched a lot of HBO comedy specials, and smoked a lot of grass. Not that my lack of tail was entirely my fault. Not one woman had the decency to throw herself at my feet.

Fast forward ten years. Our first reunion was put on by someone else and was a hell of a lot of fun. By this time I was comfortable in my own skin. I even managed to start dating one of the hotter chicks from the class who was surprisingly single. That part isn’t important. I just wanted to brag. Because guys who brag about stuff like that are really admirable and not secretly insecure even at age thirty-six.

I was told by a few girls from my class that I would be planning the fifteen year party. I mean, I don’t even drink. It’s not like I pull together rave bubble parties on weekends. The reality is nobody else would have planned it. It was also a lot of fun. Since I put the party on I received a lot of attention. I was married at the time so there was no restroom handicapped stall  shenanigans.

Note – I’ve never taken a young lady to the stall of a bathroom. That seems like the worst place in the world for a physical expression of love. The handicap stall does have rails, though.

Quick tip – If you don’t go to your reunion because you hated high school, I say go anyway. I found that the dicks just don’t come. Only the fun people show up. Plus, at least seven people will be thrilled you showed up.

Well, I had a hard enough time passing pre-calculus, so I thought our twenty year was next year. Turns out I was off by an integer. An integer of one. But I’ll probably still plan it. First, I really like doing this stuff. Second, I’m not a control freak – I literally ask everyone’s opinions on what they want to do, and we vote electronically. That way if it sucks, hey, not my fault.

The last reason is also attention. I do enjoy when people come up and thank me. I like kissing the women hello on the cheek that used to not know I existed.

Bottom line – I love being able to go back in my mind to high school and do the shitty parts over. In the psychedelic book  Still Life With Woodpecker, Tom Robbins ends with this scribbled on the last page.  “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”

Well, he’s wrong. Actually you can’t go back and do anything over. The pain of the past is the past. It happened. But you can take the present and insert people from the past and do it up right. And that feels even better than if you could go back. Trust me.

Read this next!

Comments 13

  1. I went to my highschool reunion and had a blast. For the most part… people that were popular suddenly knew me. Odd… maybe it is because I grew into my look. Not that I was ugly in High School, but I was more popular at the school I didn’t even go to. Everybody thought I was a school girl. That being said – it was a breath of fresh air to actually feel liked.

  2. Okay…this was my problem with my high school reunion….Everyone read my blog so I’d go up to someone and instead of the normal, “What have you been up to for the last ten years?” it was, “Oh I already know everything about you because of your blog…” and I ended up standing there like an idiot, thinking back to what I’d written and if it was going to bode well for me or not. Sigh.

  3. No high school reunions for me.  LOL…Friendwise?  A 4.  Schoolwise?  An 8.  I was a geek and the other kids let me know.  Oh well…yours was a great post.  🙂

  4. Great post! I  actually bought a ticket to my 10 year and at the last minute, I chickened out. In my defense, it was right after I’d separated from my ex-husband and I was feeling too vulnerable to subject myself to high school memories. My 15 year would have been this year, but I never heard a peep about it. I think maybe we’ll hit my husband’s 20 year reunion in a couple years… we had the same friends and they’d mostly either graduated or dropped out {mostly dropped out} by the time I finished up.

  5. I always had this idea that I would go to a high school reunion somehow “victorious,” like “Look at me, I turned out fine and dandy, don’t you wish you hadn’t been such a bitch to me.” So, now I feel like I can’t go until I’m victorious at something. Which really just means that I have the exact same self-esteem issues I had at 16.

  6. Watch the movie “21 Jump Street” if you haven’t seen it…2 undercover cops go back as high school students…one was a geek, the other a popular jock — when they went back, their roles inadvertently got reversed. Great stuff! Anyway, glad your reunions have been fun. I went to a few of my high school reunions and they were fun, though at the last one, I was pregnant and couldn’t drink. That sucked. The next one is coming up in the spring – I won’t tell you how many years b/c you’ll be like, “she’s f-ing old.” I don’t really want to go but I know my friends will want me to…fun post as always!!

  7. I’m distracted by the line “the dicks just don’t come”
    But that’s awesome   you got to plan the party.

  8. I remember my mother telling me that high school would be the best time of my life.   Uh not so much. I keep in touch with two or three friends from high school through facebook but that’s it.   It wasn’t that it was horrible but it wasn’t great either.   I was the kid that could fit in with any group but was largely kind of ignored simply because I was the shy quiet one. Whoa pity party of one? 🙂 Now?   You can’t shut me up! I haven’t gone to any of my reunions, come to think of it I haven’t been invited either. HAHA now that is just funny!

  9. Tail? Seriously?

    Also, imagine being female and having people kiss your cheek instead of shaking your hand in a nice ‘I have personal space’ kind of way. Also, being called things like ‘dear, love, pet’ etc instead of ‘Sir’ by shop assistants, pan handlers etc. It kind of sucks.

  10. I enjoyed high school. I’m always amazed when someone that wasn’t A close friend remembers me especially when their recount of me doesn’t start with, leant she the one with the big boobs?” I haven’t made it to any of my high school reunions yet. I think in afrraid that my “boobs” may not have lived up to expectations.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *