stories Archives • Page 13 of 20 • Thoughts From Paris · Humor Blog of D.J. Paris

I’m A Shit To My Girlfriend

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, cat. Getting mad and screaming at that toy is a totally useful thing to do.

I was talking to Jessica last night and she had asked how therapy went earlier that morning.

Well, you know how the night before I was mad at you because I thought you weren’t paying enough attention to the television?

She remembered. It’s hard to forget your boyfriend nearly yelling at you for keeping you eyes on your plate of food instead of up at the television. I am so nuts I literally watched her watching the tv. I counted twenty seconds of her staring at the plate without looking up. For some reason this was totally unacceptable. READ MORE

Let’s Take The Focus Off Me

The color-coding never occurred to me!

I’d like to do something a little different today on the blog. Something I have never done before.

Focus on someone else other than me.

It’s time to acknowledge my girlfriend Jessica for a for a few reasons. First, and most recent is that she stayed behind in Chicago while I went to New York to hang out at BlogHer for the weekend. While this doesn’t unique I should mention a few items. READ MORE

AimingLow’s Come As You Are BlogHer Party

Tonight was the official Come As You Are Party hosted by both AimingLow and TheMouthyHousewives. I was all set to watch the closing keynote at BlogHer when Leila of Don’tSpeakWhinese told me to get my ass down to the party as they needed help setting up. I arrived and those bitches put me to work. READ MORE

I Was The Balloonicorn At BlogHer

On the first night of BlogHer balloon artist Kelly Cheatle worked in her room for five hours before the People’s Party. Kelly was inspired by TheBloggess who has written extensively about the magic of the traveling red dress.

Just for a goof, she created The Traveling Red Balloon Dress. It quickly became the focus of the party, and scores of women put it on, wore it, and then passed it to somebody new. READ MORE

This Sweating Thing Is Goddamned Lame

One of my podcast hereos, Stefanie Wilder Taylor. I think she could smell the dried sweat on me, which must have been awesome.

I could not have been more excited to come to BlogHer 2012, the top women’s blogging conference in the country. There are five thousand female bloggers and seventeen men. I’m not totally sure on the actual men’s count, but it can’t be much higher. I’m here because many bloggers I love told me to come. READ MORE

Too Many Tomatoes

There was even a dude from the original horror film there. No joke.

attack of the killer tomato festival 2012 — There was even a dude from the original horror film there. No joke.

Thanks to everyone on Facebook and Twitter, my girlfriend was able to win tickets to the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes festival in Atlanta today.

Thirty-four of the city’s top chefs along and twelve mixologists were on hand. Each dish and drink was constructed with, you guessed it, tomatoes. This is Atlanta’s top foodie festival and thankfully next door to her condo building. READ MORE

I Made An Old Woman Move

This was the most awesome photo of an old lady I could find and legally share. What is she so happy about?

I got to my gate exactly one minute before the doors closed today. It was awesome. My streak of never missing a flight is in tact, people! Update your notes.

When I walked onto the plane an elderly woman was in my seat. I officially had the aisle seat yet she had claimed it. I completely understand and would have done the same thing. We’ve all done it. Slid to an open seat hoping to God that the latecomer isn’t looking your way. READ MORE

Dating in St. Louis

Even the wax version of Jessie Owens liked that joke.

I found this old narrative I had written about my dating exploits in St. Louis. Here is the original piece with terrible jokes and worse grammar. I believe I wrote this is 2001.

Dating in Stinktown (St. Losers) – a Retrospective Memoir

Okay, let’s back up a few years, when I was an eager young man fresh from college on his first job. I was working out every day, eating nothing but fruits and vegetables, and wearing the finest suits Famous Barr had to offer [read: Nautica]. I was living in the Central West End of St. Louis, which is known for being a cool, artsy area. READ MORE

So, Apparently I’m a Deadbeat

I had no idea that hipsters used credit cards! I thought that would have been "too mainstreamâ€ for their Pabst Blue Ribbon beer purchases.

I tear myself down quite a bit. This morning my therapist made me say out loud several accomplishments I should acknowledge. As a thirty-six year old man, I was embarrassed. I did struggle. Then I got into the rhythm and started firing out everything I’m currently doing right. READ MORE

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