This Sweating Thing Is Goddamned Lame

delfin paris stefanie wilder taylor
One of my podcast hereos, Stefanie Wilder Taylor. I think she could smell the dried sweat on me, which must have been awesome.

I could not have been more excited to come to BlogHer 2012, the top women’s blogging conference in the country.  There are five thousand female bloggers and seventeen men.  I’m not totally sure on the actual men’s count, but it can’t be much higher.  I’m here because many bloggers I love told me to come.

Since my sister sold her condo in the West Village, I’m staying with her and her boyfriend out in Queens.  The commute to the MidTown Hilton is about forty minutes.

I’d like to point out I’m not a douche who sits.  I stand and let the ladies sit.  I’m amazed how many dudes in their twenties are sitting.  I guess they don’t know that if you give up your seat for a woman she will have sexual relations with you later that evening.

I should have probably looked at the subway map before departing.  Would have been a strong tactical decision.  However, I did not, and realized this near the end of the ride.  What I’m saying without exaggeration is that I had no idea at which stop to get off.  I guess I just assumed there would be a map in the subway car.  No.  Or that my phone would work on the train.  No.  Or that a stop would just list “Hilton – D.J. Get Off Here!” No.

I asked a young guy next to me and he said to get off at the next station.  When I emerged I was at 40th on 6th.  I needed to get to 53rd. In Chicago blocks this would have been cause for a taxi.  Here the blocks are laughable.  I started trekking.

Around 47th street I noticed perspriation beginning on the front of my shirt.  While I don’t sweat from my armpits, my chest and back cry like a bastard.  It’s not sexy.  By the time I got to the Hilton, I had destroyed my shirt.  This was a ten-minute walk.  I’d like to point out that I bike twenty miles every single day and eat healthy.  I’m not overweight and have no medical issues.  Except this.

I was way too embarrassed to go to the conference in this condition so I took to the bathroom.  I didn’t know what to do other than wait it out.  I immediately took my shirt off in the stall.  Standing in a men’s room bathroom stall shirtless sweating is no way to start a day.

Some more tactical errors.  I used toilet paper to wipe away my stomach and back sweat.  I google’d “stop sweating” and learned that wiping sweat off just makes you sweat more.  Biology, yo.  Just for a goof I pressed my back against the side wall of the stall.  I left an amazing sweat-angel.  I should have photoed this as you’re probably not believing any of it.  But it’s all true.

The conference started at 9am, around the same time I got into the bathroom.  I wasn’t in a condition to get out until 9:50am.  And believe me, if I could have left a moment before then I would have.  My shirt dried faster than my body.

So, I missed the opening keynote which is a bummer.  But I was there for everything else.  Actually I’m still here and getting ready to hit up some of the parties.  President Obama addressed us live via satellite and I got to meet some amazing bloggers.

While God didn’t make me obese, hair-lipped, or  follicle challenged, he did create an amazing chest and back sweat system.  Tomorrow I wear an undershirt like an old man.

delfin paris stefanie wilder taylor
One of my podcast hereos, Stefanie Wilder Taylor. I think she could smell the dried sweat on me, which must have been awesome.

33 thoughts on “This Sweating Thing Is Goddamned Lame”

  1. LilBeth says:

    I feel your pain Mr. Paris, and I’m a girl. I’ve always sweat like a banshee pig. One guy told me it’s “Colorado Kool Aid” when he saw me after a soft ball game I played – a slow pitch game. I can’t really go out dancing because I sweat. Maybe if I prepped as a Simply Irresistible air guitar chick, I’d get away with it. I actually had to wait it out in the bathroom at a dance because I was drenched in sweat. When I finally made it out, I was surprised to find my dance partner waiting for me by the ladies room door. He must have been a weirdo and/or out of other options that night!

  2. elysemessing77 says:

    Hahaha I could not stop laughing…. Sweat knows no bounds white, black, skinny, and,chubby. Definitely been there with the subway… you mean you didn’t understand the gargeled voice on the intercalm?

  3. Marisa says:

    You are so awesome!   Letting the ladies sit while you stand.   Have fun and don’t let all that estrogen get to you! 😀

  4. Nicole Mojan says:

    “Standing in a men’s room bathroom stall shirtless sweating is no way to start a day.” DAMN. That explains a lot about my life.
    But for reals, I’m totes jellz. And I totes promise to never say “totes” again.

  5. pdk117 says:

    I can not believe you DJ. You knew you would be sweating the minute you got off that train. You should have taken your shirt off and then walked to the place. Then when you got there you could of dried off your back and chest and all would have been fine. Bonus, everyone on your path would have got a nice view of you shirtless. Pauly D @pdk117  

  6. KatsTheory says:

    Welcome to the humidity part of the broadcast. It is a summer of joy and sweat. Do yourself a favor next time…take a seat. Unless there is only one seat and an elderly man or woman needs it…seats are fair game in the city. Sometimes they are sold to the highest bidder. Did the Queens-Midtown commute many times…you will definitely enjoy the heat level later this afternoon, as you descend to the subway platform. An August afternoon in the bowels of the NYC subway system is not for the weak. Let’s see what you’re made of.

  7. CrazyTragicAlmostMagic says:

    Welcome to NYC and please, bask in our humidity. You got lucky that you had to walk uptown blocks. They’re short. Trying walking the same amount of blocks *across* town. It sucks. Glad you’re enjoying the conference! had I known it was here in NYC I would have gone.

  8. NatteringNic says:

    Remember this:   “Sweating in the greatest city in the world is better than having a dry shirt in a humdrum suburb”.   And Obama addressed the conference…K, that is cool!

  9. Gwennie says:

    I can vouch for the back/chest sweat… seen it up close & personal!  LOL  Did you forget your wicking fabric-ed clothes?!  You TOTALLY need to throw that on & then change when you get there.  Or perhaps try one of those cooling vests.  That very well COULD be the answer…  check me: — I thought the orange might bring out your eyes.  🙂  Have SOOOO much fun in NYC!  Wish I was there, tooooooo!  

  10. Kelly Damian says:

    Oh my gosh, this is really funny.  I feel sort of bad laughing at your disability, but not bad enough to stop.  Thanks for calling out the jerks who never stand up for women.  My friend in San Francisco was on the muni and she was hugely pregnant.  She asked a ~10 yr old boy to stand up so she could sit and the kid’s dad bitched her out.  Incredible.

  11. Hannah Bunker says:

    Hey there! I was the redhead in your pathfinder sesh yesterday and sat at the same table for Obama’s speech. I’m sitting here in a hall of the Hilton charging my phone and read this post and found myself laughing out loud-hard!-when you said you wiped your sweat on the stall. Holy crap, that’s funny stuff! So those billowing howls of laughter that piled down the halls of blogher…that was me. Great story!!

  12. jhansenwrites says:

    I keep hearing about BlogHer…sounds like you had a fun time. And what the eff is up with the young people – male or female – that don’t give up their seats for elderly, infirm and pregnant women? I completely don’t get it.

  13. dadblunders says:

    Sounds like you had a great times…except for the whole   sweating thing! I always hate when that happens. Its never fun and can ruin your whole day. I do think though the one fatal error you made was not taking the picture of the sweat angel….I mean seriously how often do you get an opportunity like that??? It would have made excellent blogging material and it would have supported the whole argument “it sucks to sweat” even more! 🙂

  14. meredithspidel says:

    Listen, as long as you didn’t actually sweat on Stephanie Wilder Taylor, I would call it a victory.  The pic alone with her makes it worth it 😉

  15. TRfromRL says:

    There is a whole world to blogging I know nothing about.  I guess I just don’t spend enough time on it, but this is so interesting.  Oh, and the sweating thing, I will go to extreme measures to prevent any type of sweating or elevated heartbeat until later in the evening if there’s dancing or….err….activities involving sweating.  Preparedness is good too…like I always bring extra clothes.

  16. RachelintheOC says:

    I’m giggling at the bathroom stall comment. #ahem Okay, straight face…glad you had a BAH HA HA. Kidding, that sucks. Still think you’re a cool dude and a gentleman…sometimes.  

  17. D.J. Paris says:

    @RachelintheOC  You NEED to come to Chicago for BlogHer 2013 next year. I demand it!

  18. D.J. Paris says:

    @TRfromRL  I hadn’t thought of this simple idea. Extra clothes!!!

  19. D.J. Paris says:

    @meredithspidel  I did try to open-mouth kiss her. Made it halfway. She bailed when my tongue touched teeth.

  20. D.J. Paris says:

    @dadblunders  Oh, I know. I was so pissed in the moment I didn’t. Huge mistake!

  21. D.J. Paris says:

    @jhansenwrites  Well, it is true that old people suck. We know this. But they’re already miserable, so let’s give up our seats for those buffoons.

  22. D.J. Paris says:

    @Hannah Bunker  Hi Hannah!!!!!!!!!!!!! Since I’m always four months behind on comments, I just found this. I was dry when we hung out. I’ve been telling everyone we’re best friends now. That’s cool, right?

  23. D.J. Paris says:

    @Kelly Damian  Well, my disability is  comparable  to that of diabetes. I won’t die or lose a foot but I will lose a girlfriend or two.

  24. D.J. Paris says:

    @LilBeth  He just liked smelling other women’s crap. I know that’s gross, but I did meet the dude once. Loves poop smells.

  25. D.J. Paris says:

    @elysemessing77  Wait – black women sweat? I do not believe you. Of course I’ve only met three in my life. One was Oprah, and I didn’t so much “meet her” as “watch the show once.”

  26. D.J. Paris says:

    I mean, since I beat them and all, I might as well do at least one nice thing. I’m kidding of course. I don’t beat women. I politely shove them.

  27. D.J. Paris says:

    @Nicole Mojan  You’re Persian. I feel like they don’t sweat. They wear too many synthetic fibers, that much I know. But I don’t see them as sweat-ers. Do they?

  28. D.J. Paris says:

    @Gwennie  What – cooling vests. Amazing. Had NO idea! Thank you so much!!!

  29. D.J. Paris says:

    @NatteringNic  That’s true. I’ve been to  Patchogue. 5/10.

  30. D.J. Paris says:

    That’s true – uptown blocks are not awful. In Chicago each block is a real block. And next time, don’t be so lame. Come!

  31. D.J. Paris says:

    @KatsTheory  I loved everything about this comment. For real.

  32. D.J. Paris says:

    @pdk117  Trust me, pale and without muscle definition is not getting anyone hot. But thanks for the pump up!

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