stories

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I’m Rebellious Like…

I was going to make a joke about how I'm the second one from the left, but that would be untoward. But I'm not the first one. Just ask around.

I’ve never been much of a rebel.

Never shoplifted as a teenager. Didn’t get drunk and vomit all over my parents while they were sleeping. Wasn’t courageous enough to light up a square in the high school bathroom.

Ooh, just remembered. Once as a freshman nature during my civics class. I was having stomach problems and needed to do very bad things. Excused to the bathroom I commenced to do what I do when I do how I do. Also, I’d like to mention that the sick screwballs at my private, Catholic high school didn’t bother to put doors on the stalls. There’s no way that would be allowed today what will all that religion’s shenanigans. READ MORE

I Think I Gave Myself a UTI

Are you thoroughly skeeved out?

I went on a bath bonanza for the past week.

I realized I hadn’t taken a bath in a while, and I think I was sad about something. So I took a bath. I rocked it out pretty hard in there (meaning I laid down and sat motionless for twenty minutes) and so I repeated the next day, and the day after that. I probably got four in five days. READ MORE

I Completely Screwed Up

C'mon - with a logo like that you know it's classy.

I really screwed up.

Today as I was attending my last session at BlogWorld I went to check my flight that was later that evening. Well, technically next morning – 12:30am. It was around two in the afternoon and I wanted to see if American had an earlier flight. I was kind of in a weird place. I had already checked out of my hotel and there was the closing keynote going on at 4pm. I really wanted to see it as it was a full television show production with a live band and Chris Hardwick. However, I knew that after the show I’d cab it to the airport and sit around for six hours before my flight. READ MORE

I Made My Car Spin Around Like in the Movies!

It's a good thing I put on some foundation or you might see me at my less than perfect best.

I just drove through the worst blizzard of my life.

Not to worry, dearest dears, as I’m not writing this from the “other side.” Note – I once was meditating while in college and I felt myself leave my body. I was being pulled by some unknown force and I got scared and woke up. I thought I was going to be killed if I left my body. Turns out I’m a big pussy even in death. READ MORE

I Stole My Housekeeper’s Keys (So She Wouldn’t Steal From Me)

It's probably not technically legal to post this photo from her phone without permission but I want you to see the face of the woman that stole my Kindle, but not my heart.

A few days ago I wrote a piece about how my shockingly-English-speaking cleaning lady was a poor negotiator. By the way according to my analytics, basically nobody liked the story. Screw you fools. Writing everyday is hard.

I will admit it was a little weak. Ahem… READ MORE

The Legend of Toby Wong (a cactus)

Toby Wong II

This may be one of the sillier posts of the year.

When I was twenty three I took a big beer truck all over the country that opened up into a dance club. Without going into too many details, it was a fun gig and we partied seven days a week across most of the  continental  U.S. Living out of hotels getting blasted every day was definitely a surreal experience. By the end of two years I had no understanding of accountability or normalcy. I never knew anyone for more than a week. The only relationship I had was with a woman named Mia and it was for a five days in Buffalo. READ MORE

I Got Pulled Over Again!

The whistle never leaves the mouth and the gloves never come off. And yet, we still don't respect the traffic cop.

For the second time in about six months, I got pulled over.

I was driving to a doctor’s appointment this evening and talking to the friend I wrote about the other day where I offered to eat her kidney stone. I live in Chicago and it’s impossible to speed. I’m even one of those nerds that does a complete stop at stop signs. I’m not all law-abidin’, though. I turn on red all the time even when there isn’t a turn arrow in the left lane or if there’s a “no turn on red” sign in the right lane. I’m an outlaw when it comes to turning. But, this time I know I was just driving along at 27 mph through downtown Evanston. READ MORE

I ReWrote Annie’s Post

This will haunt your dreams tonight. You're welcome.

At BlogHer I  attended  a half-day session hosted by the wonderful  MomoFali and DebOnTheRocks.

Near the end we were allowed to ask the entire group for something we needed. Then a member would raise their hand to promise assistance to that person. One woman, Annie, said she needed to learn how to become more funny. Nobody raised their hand. Deb poked me hard in the ribs and I yelped. I gave Annie my card. READ MORE