I Made My Car Spin Around Like in the Movies!

dj breathe right

I just drove through the worst blizzard of my life.

Not to worry, dearest dears, as I’m not writing this from the “other side.” Note – I once was meditating while in college and I felt myself leave my body. I was being pulled by some unknown force and I got scared and woke up. I thought I was going to be killed if I left my body. Turns out I’m a big pussy even in death.

I have one of these insanely long cars that, for some reason, has rear wheel drive. I don’t know anything about cars but I know that rear wheel drive blows. I had it on my first car which was a sporty little German thing. But that was stick shift and had a double spoiler on the rear window. “Oh, D.J., I didn’t realize you were  Puerto  Rican!” No, you racist jerks, I am not from wherever the hell that is. I did enjoy West Side Story even though nobody in that movie was remotely from Puerto Rico.

I have a big V8 motor. I don’t know if that means anything on the road when it’s snowing ice bullets, but I was swerving all over the road like your Uncle Irv after an Elks Club social. I was just minding my own and my car started sliding toward the other lane. I,  naturally,  forgot if you’re supposed to pump the brakes or just slam on them.

After a bunch of trial and error I found that pumping them worked the best. But you may want to Google to confirm.

Thankfully the other lane was empty. I did a solid ninety degree’r which was kind of cool. My car also has this feature called ACS or something. It comes on automatically and sort of tries to steer for you. It also does something funky to the transmission which causes the tires to keep jerking until they get traction. All sounds pretty cool, but it’s not. You feel like you have no control and are about to die.

My other awesome spin out  occurred  at just six miles an hour. I was pulling off on minor highway onto a major highway. It was a red light. Since nobody was insane enough to be out driving (I was coming home to Peoria to spend the holidays), I was alone on the road. I didn’t put on my signal because I’m a rebel, but I did slow down to single digits and attempted a right turn. Pretty easy stuff. Except I ended up in a two hundred and seventy degree spin. Almost all the way around. At one point I was headed for the ditch which wouldn’t have been a big deal. I was kind of excited to go in there just to say, “I went into a ditch!” But I didn’t. Just spun out very slowly.

I’m not kidding when I say this was the most dangerous ride of my life. The thing about it is that at some early point in the three-hour drive I just gave up control. Nothing I could do except slow down and try not to get hypnotized by the snow and ice hurling at the car at 60mph. No joke. It was like that scene in 2001 : A Space  Odyssey where he crosses over into insanity with all the lights. I made my peace with death and found myself thinking, “Well, I’ve loved, lost, and lived. I’m ready to come to the light.” Just kidding. I’m not that lame.

When I got here I was greeted with a plate of homemade ribs. Then my father took his nightly Ambien and got goofy. He walked up the stairs backwards. He also came up with a funny priest’s name for a bit I’m writing for Second City. After that he came back into my roon holding five Breathe Right strips. I don’t have breathing issues, but he loves giving them to me. He even watched me put it on and then squeezed my nose to make sure it stuck.

It’s fun to be home.


dj breathe right

It’s a good thing I put on some foundation or you might see me at my less than perfect best.

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Comments 14

  1. So, in honor of the new,no hassle comment system, here I go.
    Unfortunately, the new, no hassle comment system coincides with my new, haven’t slept all week case of slow brain, but I’ll do my best.
    Your drive sounds scary. I have to go through snow to get to my folks place, too. The whole way I am so paranoid that I am going to hit black ice. Haven’t spun out, yet, but thank you for the reminder that it could happen anytime 🙂
    Isn’t it amazing that the second we get home we are the kid again? My dad reminds me to put on a coat and shows me how the blinkers work on his car every time I visit. His was of showing saying “I love you.” Sounds like yours says it with Breathe Right.

  2. Maybe it’s just the muscle relaxers I’m on, but this post is BRILLIANT. I LOLed all over the place, for real. Not that “exhaling harder through my nostrils than usual” nonsense, but honest to sweet baby jesus cacklelaughter. Glad you’re safe, even if you are a big pussy!! Be careful or I’ll tell on you.

  3. Great, now I have to put it my username AND an email EVERY TIME. Lame.
    Anyway, rear wheel drive is supposed to be great in snow – not ice, but snow. Since it’s working from the back, it’s much easier to push your car than it is to pull it from the front. And are you sure you don’t mean ABS? As in brakes? Because it will automatically pump them so they don’t lock up when you start to slide. I have a car with and a car without them. I’m actually used to driving without them and pump my brakes myself. Not that it stopped me from sliding once. People think good tires will stop you from sliding but really, nothing can besides going slow and not braking unless absolutely necessary. In fact, the best rule of thumb is 2nd gear. Drive down hills in 2nd gear (my Malibu has something called ‘L’, or “low” gear. Same thing) because it will stop you from having to brake going down them.

  4. okay, did I seriously just write that whole comment out and when I pressed submit it disappeared? Really?

  5. You just did that for the first time? Didn’t you grow up in the midwest? I’m pretty sure I went through these death defying spins for the first time when I was 16 and then brought them on myself for many masculine years afterwards. Makes me wonder though how Thais would deal with snow…they can barely drive in the sunshine haha. Really they can’t. It sucks. Oh and now I want Ambien 🙂 Nice story and I’m glad you made it home safely.

  6. (BTW, I love the new-old comment system. I hated your old one and eventually stopped commenting because of it. So you were right!)

    I hate driving in the snow! Especially in my piece of shit ’98 Camry, which only has front-wheel drive even though I live in RI (also known as the Tundra).

    Sort-of related… I was taught how to drive in water/ice skids by Nascar race car drivers. I’m not kidding. It was the scariest day of my life. They re-created terrifying weather scenarios and then had us practice going through skids ON PURPOSE. It wasn’t that bad when you were the one driving but, holy crap, it was peeing-in-your-pants scary when you were in the backseat while another crazy teenager took the wheel.

  7. I think the nose thingy looks badass. Or, it would, if not for the thumbs up.

    You, sir, get a thumbs up for the new comment system, though!

  8. Glad you got there safely. I have had more mishaps on ice than I care to admit. I will say I can do a mean 780 on the Interstate. I have experience with that…on black ice, in sub-zero weather. 🙂

  9. LOVE the login-free comments.

    Also LOVE Breath Right strips. I like the clear ones though, because then the BF doesn’t laugh quite so much at my goofy sleeping appearance. 🙂

  10. Oh, thank you so much for posting this! It is going to help when I am thinking about going to Grand Prairie 18 in Peoria! I am from Trenton, NJ so I am not familiar with Peoria. Next time I see my family will be so much better! Wonderful!

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