These are posts that will go in the blog, under the slider
In Part I we left off with a cop yelling at me to pull over on my bicycle. I had just blown through a red light.
The policedick appeared out of nowhere and ordered me to stop. At 7:30am on my bicycle. He was a stereotypical Chicago cop. The southside accent, the reflective aviator sunglasses that even hipsters don’t wear. And, oh yeah, he had a terrible mustache and was overweight.
I forgot about this!
But obviously I remembered as I’m writing about it now. Ugh – this whole intro was expositionally inappropriate. I use big words!!!
A few years ago a cop took my license away.
I should mention that I have had a perfect driving record for nigh on fifteen years. I think I got a speeding ticket back when I was twenty-two. That could be a dream I had, however. I truly don’t remember.
I don’t know about you, but I can go a whole week without ever checking in.
Just about every moment of the day is spent in stimulus/response. This is not a bad thing. At work it’s important to stay on task. When I’m home I need to feed myself and clean the catbox. Also, I write and talk to the girlfriend. Plus that paying the bills thing and laundry.
One of the posts I lost recently was the original Promote Your Blog On My Blog Right Now! Basically I gave the middle finger to my advertisers and said…
Hey, you know how you pay to be here each month? You’re a sucker because I’m going to let everyone do that shit for free!
My father has a strong will.
One time, back in college, we were shopping at a mall. At that point in my life I was terrified of talking to girls. He was completely strung out on caffeine. We saw some cute girl working at the Gap. He said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You go up and ask that girl out, and I’ll quit caffeine cold turkey.” Both of these goals seemed preposterous. You don’t just approach a woman after a lifetime of never doing so. Same with cutting out Diet Coke. Well, I couldn’t do it. He did. Fifteen years later and he hasn’t touched a drop of it since.
There are times when I geniunely say thing I oughtn’t. Yeah, I know. We’ll all do.
But let me give you an example of my version of this gaffe. Back in college I worked at the local grocery in the photo lab. Most of the people I dealt with were students, usually sorority girls dropping off last night’s drunken formal shots. One of my flirting techniques was to say…
This is maybe the weirdest thing about me, physically.
I’ll try to explain it because there’s no way in hell I’m going to show it to you. Let’s start at the beginning. When I was nineteen I bought a Steven Halpern chakra balancing cd. Right away I could feel these seven centers of energy, and could adjust the intensity of the feelings by focusing on them. During the music my head would lightly sway side to side. It was not me moving my head, or at least I wasn’t consciously. It just moved on it’s own.
It’s 1am. Why am I awake?
About halfway through the day it occurred to me that I was sick. Which, for the past three years, has become a rare event. I was violently ill last Christmas Day and missed the holiday lying in bed puking. Don’t feel bad for me. I still received all the gifts. Wouldn’t that be awful if my parents had returned my presents because I wasn’t downstairs opening them with family? Even at thirty-six I would have been devastated. Do that to an eight-year old and you’ll create a future sociopath.
That may be my favorite title to date.
When I was eighteen my friend Carter had written a bunch of poems at his high school. He went to a fancy prep school where they fostered and encouraged creativity. I went to a Catholic school. Enough said.
Carter was not in the drama club, didn’t own a black piece of clothing, and would be described as “very masculine.” I went through his poems. They were damned good.
I'll never give this child another cigarette, pinky swears!
