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How Not To Blow a Radio Interview

If heaven is a real thing, I want it to smell just like this.

I was asked back to be a guest on the UK radio show American Dream Team.

During my last visit I didn’t realize they had FCC-like rules for broadcasting. Subsequently they had to cut a bunch of minutes off my interview. I always associate Britain with progressive laws and language. When I spoke to host Jodie Orton pre-show I asked her if gays could marry in the UK. She said, “Um, I think so.” She really didn’t know but made it sound like, “Why wouldn’t they be able get married?” Which, over here is still a crazy debate. READ MORE

That Leg Pretzel Thing New Agers Do Scares and Consumes Me

When I die, please fill my coffin with this.

You know what makes me secretly jealous? Ugh, I just realized I started a post with one of those stupid questions. Starting fresh.

I am secretly (although now it’s public) jealous of those dudes that can put their feet up on their thighs in that weirdo pretzel thing. A few weeks ago I was in a group that I attend of the support variety and one of the guys just busts that out while on his chair. It looked so easy and confortable.  Symmetrical. READ MORE

Want Some Free Crap Courtesy of Me?

None of these products are included in the giveaway. Man, that would be depressing.

I don’t ask you people for much.

Well, except your undying affection, validation, and readership. I expect that you check my blog daily, having already added it to your RSS reader (you read it there and by visiting the site). You follow me on Twitter and Facebook and laugh heartily at my every  witticism. When I’m a little down (like today) you already know this and send me that personal email telling me how touched your were that I wrote that one post about something. READ MORE

I Just Voted For 75 Judges For Some Reason

Next time she's only going to vote Mexican. She has to.

I just realized – those jokers never gave me a sticker!

Not that I wanted one. Okay, I wanted one. I want one so bad right now. I’d put it on so many things. Like my sweater/jacket until it was defeated by fuzz thirty seconds later. Then, I’d stick it on my forehead and upload it to Facebook because that’s… well… it’s just plain hilarious! READ MORE

I Have Two Neck Vaginas!

Hi, I'm trustworthy enough to take out your daughter! Make sure she is wearing something tight. Tight is good.

This one caught me off guard.

I put an event together at our office recently to offer free headshots to employees. I realized that I had not updated my own headshot in over eight years.

Since then I’ve become fatter which is something I can fix at anytime except I started eating candy three years ago and have only occasionally come up for air. READ MORE

I Think It’s Time To Write a Book

Nothing creepy about a fake baby in a wedding dress.

One of my goals for 2013 is to write a book.

This is something that brings up a lot of fear in my body. Over the past year I’ve had a few publishers reach out. Not publishers like Simon and Schuster or Random House. Smaller shops that probably just saw that I was number one for “best blogs” and figured I’d be a good revenue source. READ MORE

I’ve Used Women As My To-Do List – A Confession

This is the secret to organization. Having cool stuff.

One of the most difficult transitions I’ve made since the divorce is the realization that I had been using my wife as a notepad for the past five years.

When I hit junior high, I knew I had a to-do list problem. I simply didn’t keep one. That’s the age where I needed to start writing things down and planning appropriately. As a verified ADDer my memory sucks. I don’t mean in the same way everyone thinks their memory sucks. I’ve had a least a dozen people tell me my memory is the worst they’ve experienced. I wish I could over-exaggerate this fact, but it would not be easy. READ MORE

Play This Prank on Your Friends – Beastly Them!

Don't let the bad poster throw you. It's much worse.

My friend played a pretty good prank on me yesterday.

I was at work and stressed and she IMd me. Here’s a reenactment of our conversation.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Nothing. Just eating pizza until I pass out.

Okah – you HAVE to see this movie. Immediately! READ MORE