blog

These are posts that will go in the blog, under the slider

I Wrote What You Told Me (Again) – Part II

Yes, Jimmy, if you lie God will tell this monster to climb into your bedroom window at night and rip you to shreds with it's razor-claws. This is why we leave the window in your bedroom unlocked.

Yesterday, to celebrate the holiday of a Jew named Jesus’ birthday (…or is it today? I could never figure that one out.) I turned off my brain and asked you to flip yours on. You told me what to write. So I did.

Here’s part II.

  • Sarah G.  –  Tell us about when you found out Santa wasn’t real.

Third grade. A little piece of shit named MonkeyMan Magoo (not his really name, but he might read the blog, plus he looks like a monkey) decided to tell all of us. We were all lined up to hug our third grade teacher Mrs. Groesch as we were leaving class to go on holiday break.  MonkeyMan Magoo decided to ruin the surprise. He walked up the line telling everyone one-on-one, “There is no Santa Claus.” Traumatic – yes. However he went on to develop a bad drug addiction, outstanding warrants, and even some jail time. That erased any trauma. READ MORE

I Wrote What You Told Me (Again)

Once in awhile I have nothing to write about. So I ask you what to do. You tell me. I do.

With the exception of the years I was married I never had a date on New Years. I had a few long distance relationships, but we were never together on New Years. So every year is about the same. If I was at a bar I turned in a circle to find somebody to kiss. It never led to anything more. One year my wife and I had a party at our condo and I watched a guest telling a story and eating the peel and eat shrimp (I have this amazing recipe) without taking the shell off first. I kept wanting to raise my hand and interrupt him with a, “Holy Christ, man! What kind of insanity is this?” but I couldn’t because he hadn’t arrived at the story’s punchline. That was probably the wildest thing I ever witnessed on NYE. READ MORE

It’s Amazing How Many People Will Work For Free (Suckers!)

I saw this by accident and nearly shat.

I’m not sure if I laid this out before, but I’m too lazy to go back through my posts.

The book I’m working on is getting near finished and it’s crunch time. I have to put some serious effort in to put this out in January. Since I knew there was no way I could do it myself I reached out to you. And you responded in droves. I couldn’t believe it. READ MORE

Bloggers are Weird Podcast – First Episode Live!

I am very excited and proud to announce the first episode of my podcast Bloggers are Weird has been released!

The idea is simple – I wanted to give bloggers a chance to read a favorite story of theirs live. This is a plus for their readers who want to hear them speak and for future readers to get  acquainted with the author. I will act as host asking them questions about their blog, style, and process. I picked up some advertisers to boot and learned how to engineer the bastard! READ MORE

I Made My Car Spin Around Like in the Movies!

It's a good thing I put on some foundation or you might see me at my less than perfect best.

I just drove through the worst blizzard of my life.

Not to worry, dearest dears, as I’m not writing this from the “other side.” Note – I once was meditating while in college and I felt myself leave my body. I was being pulled by some unknown force and I got scared and woke up. I thought I was going to be killed if I left my body. Turns out I’m a big pussy even in death. READ MORE

I Finished My First Podcast

Pugs are Fug

I had my first podcast experience today where I was hosting.

I’ve been a guest on a few radio shows before but never one where I did the conducting. Since I listen to podcasts everyday I figured this would be an easy task. It was not.

First were the pre-show engineering tasks. Basically I had to find music that could be used without me getting a cease and desist. Well, it turns out it’s kind of murky on what you can and can’t do. Sure I could use the a Lynyrd Skynyrd track for my intro but those hillbillies might end up coming after me. Well, their attorneys, I guess. I’m worth nothing so I wasn’t exactly worried. But it would suck to have to re edit this stuff down the road. So, I did the right thing and bought some royalty-free music. READ MORE

I’m Going To Be Making It Easier For You To Comment (and why I’m sad about this)

Start thinking of stuff to say and crap.

Okay – you’ve been yelling about this for over a year, and I’m finally listening.

I’ve been watching my comment counts go down over the past few months. This is odd because my pageviews are staying the same (and actually increasing every month). I had to conclude recently that my posts have been sucking nards. This is possible. I’m coming off nearly one full year of posting, and I felt some crappy posts have gone live in the past two months. Not a lot, but a few. READ MORE

I Stole My Housekeeper’s Keys (So She Wouldn’t Steal From Me)

It's probably not technically legal to post this photo from her phone without permission but I want you to see the face of the woman that stole my Kindle, but not my heart.

A few days ago I wrote a piece about how my shockingly-English-speaking cleaning lady was a poor negotiator. By the way according to my analytics, basically nobody liked the story. Screw you fools. Writing everyday is hard.

I will admit it was a little weak. Ahem… READ MORE