5 Things I Was Asked To Write About (by my new friend)

Homemade Tendskin

I have this new friend – turns out we grew up just a few miles away from each other and know the same people.

In fact one of my more popular stories about the time I saw a high school classmate naked  is a friend of hers. She even crafted half of my upcoming book’s title today, and her suggestions were better than what I had penned.

As a thank you to her I promised I’d wax on anything she wanted. Here we go.

  • Ingrown Hairs

This is an impressive  coincidence   Just this morning I noticed a red bump on my neck – the result of an ingrown hair. I went online to see if Walgreens carries Tend Skin which cures the red bump things. They do, but only online. Crap. Wait, there’s probably a DIY version of this for the cheapasses like myself. Yep! On a male bodybuilding forum (no shitting here) I found a lively discussion on how to shave your whole body without getting ingrown hairs. The unanimous conclusion was since there is no way to do this, you must make your own TendSkin. Here’s the ingredients – Isopropyl alcohol (70%), crushed aspirin, Witch Hazel. I walked over to Walgreens, bought it, and brewed up a batch. I put it in a water bottle which I will keep under my sink. And yes, it works.

Oh, also, after reading the bodybuilding chest shaving thread I’m pretty sure I’m gay now.

  • One Ply vs Two Ply Toilet Paper …The Tough Rub

I will hardly dignify this with a response. Your b-hole is worth more than $1.99 a six pack, okay? I’ve never met your b-hole, never seen your b-hole, nor ever introduced my b-hole to your b-hole, but I know this. Your fanny deserves better. And, I’ll even go one further. You deserve even better than just normal two ply. I’m talking about Cottenelle, friends. And it only slightly is edged out by the bidet, the ultimate in ass technology. Since we can’t all install urinals and bidets like we should, you can drop a few extra bucks on the good paper. Remember, we’re having burritos tonight.

  • Dickies? Why not?

When I was in my twenties and I went out to meet women, I never wore underwear. In my immature mind that would be the sexiest thing if I was lucky enough to bring a young lass back to my studio apartment. But only sociopaths don’t wear underwear, and a normal girl would run screaming the other way. It wasn’t a good strategy. Now, I wear turtlenecks out every now and then. But the same principle applies. A woman is not going to be impressed when she rips off my sweater vest to find a dickie underneath. Dickies = No Hickies.

  • Small Town Cops

I got pulled over by a small town cop recently which I wrote about. Twice actually. No tickets either time. They seem to be less dickish than big city cops. I have no beef with them. It’s the big city cops that suck. Oh, and I noticed something recently. Only big city cops have mustaches! The small town ones are thinner, too. That’s all I got on this one.

  • Camouflage Trends and the Modern Man

I have this friend Ron who is the nicest, most peaceful guy on the planet. Except he loves killing things. His dad was a hunter so Ron became a hunter. But you’d never guess that he could even handle a gun. He is a gentle soul for the most part. But he has this closet of camouflage. Probably a whole liter of deer urine too. I hear those guys spray it on themselves before the hunt. Sitting in a duck blind up an oak with another dude at five am to shoot at a rabbit seems like a whole thing I don’t want to get into. Plus, if I owned guns I just know I’d want to try some trick shooting in the house. You know, like set up little targets in the dining room. No good would come of this. So, I stay away from the camouflage.

Oh, and dudes who wear the camo shorts. Knock it off.

Homemade Tendskin

If I accidentally drink this, technically it would be a relapse.

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Comments 7

  1. Ericamos

    I found Cottonelle to be a bit too “cottony” and fuzzy for my tastes, so I stepped it down to Cha-Cha-Charmin (Ultra Strong, ’cause while Ultra Soft feels amazing, it too, is a tad too fuzzy for my tastes.)

  2. Ann Umland

    Definitely Cottonelle with aloe. Also, I live in a small town (2100) and one of our cops loves giving out tickets. Just sayin’.

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