I Love Plucking White Hairs – A Confession

Posted by D.J. on Jan 26, 2012 | 6 comments

When I was nine my mom brought home a black cat that was hanging out by the dumpster at the Junior League.  It was our first family pet, and we named her Shadow.

Actually, that’s not entirely true as we had two cats when I was born but I think they bit me or my sister and were removed.

Did I mention all the walls of our house were made of those green screens they use in movies? (If that didn't connect with you, screw off. I thought it was funny)

As a cat, Shadow was decent.  Not a home run, but not a caught-looking-strikeout either.  I hope that expression sort of makes sense.  Since then, I’ve owned (yes, owned) three other cats, and they all have totally rocked balls.  Great pets, cats.

The worst thing about Shadow was that she didn’t respond to cat nip.  The best thing about Shadow was that she had about twenty random white hairs scattered about her fur.

I can’t tell you why, but I had to pluck them.  It was pure ecstasy to me.  I used to watch the hairs grow back months later, and I would wait until they were fully ripe, only to then be plucked again.  I’m not exaggerating an iota about how awesome this was.  My mom used to really yell at me for it, because it kind of bothered the cat.

Well, tough titties to that!  I started plucking the hairs in private, bedroom door closed.  I had to engage this addiction.

A few years later Shadow started peeing everywhere in the house and my folks gave her away to a nearby pig farm.  She became an outdoor cat which probably sucked because she didn’t have any claws.  It was very sad time for me.

My white hair pulling addiction did not get to surface again until I met my now ex-wife.  She had a few white hairs along her part line.  I noticed them one day as I was giving her hair the “sniff-test”.

In that moment my eyes glazed over and I suddenly lost all interest in her as a person.  Her head became the most desireable thing on the planet.  But I couldn’t just pluck one white hair without permission!  Could I?

I totally fucking did.

She yelped, and I explained I just had to pluck it.  It’s how I’m wired up.  Ultimately she thought it was great because I was getting rid of white hairs that she didn’t want people to see.  I would watch them grow back and wait for just the right time to harvest the crop.  Every year her head would add about seven to ten new white hairs.  It was like Christmas Day, as if they were a presents from the dead pigment and follicle fairy.

I don’t currently have any white head hairs, so I can’t indulge myself.  I need a partner.

My current girlfriend Jessica happens to also love getting her white hairs yanked.  This could not be more important to me, and I consider it an act of love.

We only see each other every six weeks or so, and during those weekends I spend at least twenty hyperfocused minutes going through each wave of hair on a treasure hunt for white gold.

Lest you think this freakish, it’s probably my only vice.  I can live with myself.

I so totally get this.

Do you have anything obsessively wacky that you do?  Unburden yourself!  This is a place of safety and non-judgement.  Reveal thyself and be set free!

Really, I just want to feel less like a weirdo, so if you have to, make something up.

I’m Racing To See Race!

Posted by D.J. on Jan 25, 2012 | 1 comment

When I was twenty seven my sister bought me a fondue set for my birthday.  At the time I had only eaten fondue once at a Melting Pot chain restaurant.

Great - another kitchen appliance I won't use.

Umm…  Thanks for the gift, Dana.

You don’t like it?

No, it’s not that.  I mean it’s cool and all, but I don’t snack on cheese and I’m not interested in dipping strawberries into chocolate.

You don’t get it.  I just gave you the greatest dating tool ever.

She was right.  That year I had a half-dozen women over to my place on fondue dates.  Instead of doing chocolate or cheese, I loaded that fucker up with oil and had a tray of beef, chicken and shrimp.  If you’ve never done fondue this way, it’s really fun.

The woman that would become my wife (and then ex-wife) had her first date with me in this manner.  It was kind of my thing for a few years.

After the divorce I took a year off women.  It’s highly recommended by people who have been through such things.

During this time I realized I had never been to the best theater in all of Chicago, The Goodman.  My friend John works for them and told me I should get tickets for their upcoming season.

I thought about it, and even though it was expensive, I decided to get two seats.  Again, realizing that I just committed to a year of shows, I thought this would be a great date activity.

First, I would get to see amazing plays, and the women would probably have a good time, too.  I had fantasies of thoroughly vetting each date before offering the ticket.  I wasn’t about to take any old skank.

Do you know who Tennessee Williams is?

No, I don’t listen to hip-hop.

Hmm… Do you have a sister?

For the first show I took my Dad.  Truth be told, I didn’t have a date anyway and he was thrilled to be asked.

Then I met Jessica, former reader and now current girlfriend.  The great news is that I don’t have to stoop to trolling online dating services looking for impressionable co-eds.  The bad news is that Jessica lives in Atlanta.

I was going to take my friend Justin to see David Mamet’s Race tonight, but he’s a hot shot attorney with a big trial, so he had to bail.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to feel massive guilt after the performance.

I reached out to my buddy Darrell who is going to be my date.  I hope he doesn’t get fresh and touch my knee during second curtain.

So my grand scheme of impressing girls to like me by taking them out on the town is no more.  Now I have to spend quality time with the people that love me the most, my friends and family.

Rats.

Captions From Readers – II

Posted by D.J. on Jan 24, 2012 | 6 comments

Photos sent by readers that they demand I caption!  Will I write a 10?  A 5?  Only you will know!  By reading this!  Right now!  Goddammit!

By the way, if you want a photo captioned, please email it t0 dj@thoughtsfromparis.com

Sent from Whitney C (taken by husband)

Gee Whitney, I'm not sure why Warren Jeffs turned down your proposal to be his 17th wife...

Sent and Taken By David K

The only difference between these two girls is that the one behind the screen hates her father.

Sent and Taken By FC

The guy leaning up against the tree is too terrified to move.

Think you can do better?  Prove it!  Write your comments below and we’ll judge you unmercifully.

ThoughtsFromParis Is Officially In The Black!

Posted by D.J. on Jan 23, 2012 | 13 comments

I am absolutely not joking when I write that I had to Google “in the black” to confirm that the meaning of that idiom is “making money.”

I thought it might be “in the red” or for some reason, “in the pink.”

Well, anyway, I’m very proud and humbled to say that thanks to you readers, after expenses (hosting/bandwidth), this website has clocked it’s first $25 profit.

While not enough yet to support the mortgage or my American Girl Doll obsession, it’s a start.  And, as I was thinking about it this afternoon, what is most exciting for me is that I’m being paid (albeit a little amount) to be myself.

This one walks around the house in the middle of the night. I think she's trying to kill me.

If this site can continue to grow, great.  If all I ever earn is $25 a month, so be it.  I’ll buy something on Amazon to earn free shipping.

And hopefully you don’t think it’s a blowhard move to brag about making a few bucks.  I’m just so grateful to you for reading because you have made it all possible.

Please visit my sponsors (two more to be added in the next few days), and click on their links.  Show them some love, since they’re doing the same for me.  They’re over there on the right, down the page.

Thank you for giving me hope that being myself could lead to fame, fortune, and riches.  Then I can leave you behind and hang out with celebrities, who we all know are better than the rest of us.

Seriously, thanks.  You’re amazing fans.  Means the world to me.

Celebtweets – Ralphie May

Posted by D.J. on Jan 22, 2012 | 7 comments

Okay, it’s been way TOO long since my last Celebtweets.  I’ve been busy and haven’t been bothering celebrities like I know I should.

In the past I’ve won the attention of Jackie Stallone and incurred the wrath and then love of Steve Agee.

Today when I woke up, instead of heading to church where there is very little to do that’s funny, I took to Twitter.

Ralphie May

Ralphie May is one of my favorite comedians.  He got his start at seventeen after he won a local competition and got to open for the legendary Sam Kinison.  He tells a great story of ordering pizzas for Sam after the show among all the cocaine and partying Sam was doing.  Fat guys always know where to get pizza.

He also finished second on Last Comic Standing.  If you’ve watched his stand up, you know he’s great.  Also big – clocks in at over 400 lbs.

A great story about Ralphie is when, in Guam last year, he went up to a drug sniffing dog in the airport.  Then he started petting the dog.  Then he got arrested because he had grass on him.  Amazing.

Okay – enough about Ralphie.  This is really more about me than him.

So, last week on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast, comedian Todd Glass came out of the closet.

I know. Surprised even Todd.

Todd’s one of the best stand ups out there.  It takes a tremendous amount of courage to come out of the closet, and I admire him for doing it.

He’s been a phenomenal comic for over twenty years, and on WTF he stated that he came out because he “couldn’t listen to stories about kids killing themselves any longer [for being gay]… when am I going to have blood on my shirt? [because I'm not honest about who I am]”

That’s a very noble reason to come out, in my opinion.  Okay, enough kissing fanny.

Since they’re both comics, I found an opportunity to goof on both Ralphie and Todd at the same time.

Marc Maron’s Original Tweet

My Retweet With Comment

Hopefully the joke is pretty obvious here.  No need to explain.

Ralphie May was the first to retweet with comment.

Ralphie May’s Retweet With Comment

So, basically I’m bragging here.  The fact that Ralphie May called me hilarious is a pretty big deal to me.  So yay for me!

I’ll end this with one of the greatest Todd Glass moments captured live, where he puts a heckler in their place probably better than anyone with grace, logic, and aggression.  Well done.

Todd also has his own podcast on The Nerdist network, and you can listen to it here.