I don’t know why I’d never thought of this before.
Over the years I’ve been asked to do interviews. Most of the time they go live (like this one on InThePowderRoom). But other times, for reasons not disclosed to me, the interview never surfaces. Which is fine, of course. This has happened about a dozen times. I never take it personally aside from setting up a fake Twitter account to troll the publication incessantly with tweets about how the head editor sleeps with livestock and may be involved in terrorist sleeper cell recruitment.
When a website reaches out for an interview, I spend a decent amount of time putting together my answers. I have pride in my work and I care very much what people think. Plus, they might have an audience that isn’t yet familiar with me (unlikely) and is hungry to develop an unhealthy fan obsession with my written words (likely).
This most recent “lost interview” happened a month ago. A website I wasn’t familiar with reached out. I never bothered to look up the site before launching into the silliest answers I could craft. After I finished I thought it might make sense to check out their website. This particular site seems to be comprised of interviews with famous to barely-famous people. Since I’m in the “not famous at all” category, it became obvious to me that I was never going to see my dick jokes on their home page. And I don’t blame them. I’m sure the editor-in-chief had an intern email a bunch of bloggers and then when sthe intern pushed my answers across her boss’s desk, the boss went, “No – French people are boring. Pass.”
I did have a “star” moment a few months ago at a humor conference. I was there as an attendee and hanging out at a cocktail event on the first night. A woman came over with a pad and pen and interrupted a fabulous fourth trimester abortion joke that I was telling a group of people. She wanted an autograph. I thanked her for making me look like a big shot in front of my friends, then pulled her aside and told her if she ever interrupted me again I was going to remove the blade I carry in my sock and carve my autograph into her neck (neck tat jokes are very chic these days). She told me her name was Darlene so I wrote, “Marla – it was a pleasure meeting you. Nice tits! – D.J.”
Back to this most recent interview. Since I’m confident it’s not going to be published (it’s been over a month), I figured I’d share it with you here. Dolly Parton is currently their featured interview, and let’s face it, Dolly has a whole amusement park named after her and I do not. To go from Dolly one day to D.J. the next would be an admission that the site is folding. But let’s say that all the other interviews after Dolly fall through and they do publish mine. Odds are they’d whack up the content and not show you the best stuff. So, here’s the full, unedited session.
Since I’m not going to reveal the actual interview website, let’s pretend it was conducted by WeirdMexicanWrestlingMasksMonthly – a publication dedicated to the trends, styles, and fabrics of Lucha libre. You know,
those booths at your local street festival where tight fitting Latin face-masks are sold. I haven’t any clue who buys that crap (unless you are, in fact, a professional Mexican wrestler).
Complete Transcript of Interview with D.J. Paris by WeirdMexicanWrestlingMasksMonthly.
What is your full name?
D.J. Paris. Technically, that’s not my full name but you would think I was goofing around if I typed the whole thing out. Oh, and I’m a “third” as well.
It’s a long, Spanish name and kind of ridiculous. D.J. is easier.
Where do you live?
Lincoln Park, Chicago
If you were asked to describe yourself in one word, what would that word be?
Massivedong – that’s one word, yes?
What is your personal mantra? (The phrase in your heart and head that defines how your choices and how you live)
You can always be richer and thinner. Seriously, I believe that fulfillment comes from effort. Since all that we can control in this world is our own action, that’s what ultimately defines my happiness. The more I do, the better I feel.
Briefly tell us about you and your life.
I have a marketing job which eats up my daily 9am – 5pm. Since I love my career and get to bring my dog to the office I blog at night and on weekends.
What is the name of your blog? When was it launched?
ThoughtsFromParis. It launched April of 2010.
Share with us the primary focus of your blog and what you hope to accomplish through it.
As a writer I focus in three areas – humor, vulnerability, and truth. I write about my own life incorporating those three characteristics into each piece.
What I’m trying to do is find a way to entertain myself though writing. My goal when I sit down to write is that I want to read it back the next day surprised at my own brilliance. I wish I was joking.
List any blogger awards you have won.
I’ve never applied for a blog award so I have no idea. I think I’ve been nominated and won some stuff, but don’t ask me to remember specifics. Most recently I’m going to be the keynote speaker at BlogU this June.
Are you a Brand Ambassador and if so, for which companies?
Occasionally I’ll do a campaign for a brand but only if I’m a huge fan. In most instances I’ll contact the brand directly and tell them my idea. 95% of the time they don’t write back. Jerks.
Which social media outlet do you find most helpful? (Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, etc)
For me it’s Twitter. I have almost 150k followers. This sounds impressive until you realize that Paris Hilton (the other famous Paris) has 14 million followers. She’s also the highest paid DJ in the world. I’ll pause for a second while you recover from slamming your head into the desk repeatedly.
What is the one piece of advice you would give to anyone interested in beginning a blog?
If you care about people reading your blog, go find your audience. Make a list of blogs that have readers that might like your content. Start writing great comments on those blogs. Share posts on social media. Is it a lot of work? Yep. Does it work? Yes.
Share some names of favorite blogs you follow.
Well, I write for InThePowderRoom, and that’s about the funniest site out there right now. I don’t read a lot of other people’s blogs, but only because I’m self-obsessed. If anything I’ll pick up one of Woody Allen’s books, read a few pages, and then feel devastated that I’ll never be that funny.
Are you an entrepreneur or professional beyond your blog? Please share.
I was sitting around with my girlfriend recently and had an eureka moment. With all these subscription services I realized nobody has launched a “Period of the Month” club. Each month you’d get the hippest new tampon flooding the market (pun intended). Also, I’d throw in some bubble bath and a piece of
chocolate. It’s called “Cursebox.”
What one question have you always wanted to be asked? Write here and answer it as well.
Q. How do you have all your hair at 40 and why is it still so blonde?
A. (shrugs shoulders) DNA and shit?
Share a social cause or cause-based organization close to your heart.
Every other week I spend time with developmentally disabled men at an organization in Chicago called Misericordia. We hang out and do guy stuff. Lots of talking, watching TV and farting. It’s a great time and I’m honored that they choose my company.
When all is said and done, how do you want to be remembered?
Being remembered is unimportant to me, but what keeps me up and night is being on my deathbed and thinking, “I never went for it.” I want to die peacefully with the notion that I gave it my all. That being said, I hope many people cry at my funeral.
