The first thing I do when I know someone is coming over to my place is check the bathrooms. For unflushed pee.
I’ve written earlier about how I talk to my friends on my phone whilst using the W.C. Out of respect I don’t flush during a call. I’m not an animal, for God’s sake. When one of my buddies is crying because of Grandma’s gout, that is not the time for a double flusher. But often the call goes longer than my dirty business, so I end up leaving the bathroom and walking into the bedroom to stare at myself in the full length mirror. And then I forget to go back after the call and destroy the nonsense.
The other, more hilarious reason I don’t flush is that I don’t want to wake myself up. Huh? What be doing here?
My dog wakes me up around 5am to go, as we call in my house, “onesies.” And when I say “we,” “we” are referring to “me,” as I live by myself. I talk to the wall quite a bit, so I guess I’m never truly alone.
Anyshizzle… every morning at 5am, I zombie-walk to the back door and open it slightly. On my deck I have a PetLoo, which is an astroturf thing that she makes on. I only have to crack the door slightly. I then shuffle to the other bathroom and sit like a little girl and make onesies myself.
I refuse to flush, however, because it wakes me up a little bit more than I already am. The sound of the swoosh the toilet makes will bring me to full consciousness, which is unacceptable.
Often, I come home from work and both toilets are yellow. I immediately flush the offenses and thank the Lord or whoever is in charge of keeping people out of my house while toilets are full. Maybe there is a St. Moen.
See what I did there?