The first thing I do when I know someone is coming over to my place is check the bathrooms. For unflushed pee.
I’ve written earlier about how I talk to my friends on my phone whilst using the W.C. Out of respect I don’t flush during a call. I’m not an animal, for God’s sake. When one of my buddies is crying because of Grandma’s gout, that is not the time for a double flusher. But often the call goes longer than my dirty business, so I end up leaving the bathroom and walking into the bedroom to stare at myself in the full length mirror. And then I forget to go back after the call and destroy the nonsense.
The other, more hilarious reason I don’t flush is that I don’t want to wake myself up. Huh? What be doing here?
My dog wakes me up around 5am to go, as we call in my house, “onesies.” And when I say “we,” “we” are referring to “me,” as I live by myself. I talk to the wall quite a bit, so I guess I’m never truly alone.
Anyshizzle… every morning at 5am, I zombie-walk to the back door and open it slightly. On my deck I have a PetLoo, which is an astroturf thing that she makes on. I only have to crack the door slightly. I then shuffle to the other bathroom and sit like a little girl and make onesies myself.
I refuse to flush, however, because it wakes me up a little bit more than I already am. The sound of the swoosh the toilet makes will bring me to full consciousness, which is unacceptable.
Often, I come home from work and both toilets are yellow. I immediately flush the offenses and thank the Lord or whoever is in charge of keeping people out of my house while toilets are full. Maybe there is a St. Moen.
See what I did there?
Darrell says:
Don’t make a habit of drinking from the bath faucet – if you drink tap water use the kitchen faucet for drinking. Why? Little known plumbing industry regulatory fact: In the U.S.A., bath faucets do not have to comply with low-lead regulations, but kitchen faucets do. Something St. Moen forgot to tell ya!
D.J. Paris says:
Congratulations – you just got nominated for Worst Comment Of All Time! (sorry – had to)
WhitneyLeeCondie says:
You know, your confessions are generally of a gross nature. But then again, you are a dude…the possibilities for blech are endless. Just want to pop in and say thanks! I totally feel like I’m normal when I come here. I do the no flush thing in the morning too for exactly the same reason. I take my sleep seriously. I also have a serious problem if The Spouse uses it without flushing first (he says “why flush twice?” ick) The thought of it mixing makes me retch. I’ll just leave you with that lovely thought for the day.
D.J. Paris says:
@WhitneyLeeCondie Whitney, not the first, nor last time you will gross me out. I wouldn’t even know if someone peed before me because the light does not go on in the bathroom. No f’ing way.
apodd2012 says:
I have an ex who doesnt flush just urine because its bad for the planet. Turned out it was bad for our relationship too..cause thats gross
D.J. Paris says:
@apodd2012 Flushing a toilet is bad for the planet? I don’t even pick up dog poop – seriously. I think I have maybe twice in four years. I’m sure that’s way worse.
apodd2012 says:
I have no idea..he was a hippie and thought everything was bad for the planet. I would flush the toilet like three times just cause I could..plus it always made me giggle to get him mad..hmm wonder why we broke up?
D.J. Paris says:
@apodd2012 Stop dating wusses. Real men don’t bother with such nonsense.
Noone says:
If its yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down!
D.J. Paris says:
Sage advice. Was that Jesus who said that? I’m pretty sure it was Jesus.
Tiff Stauffer says:
I can totally relate. I keep hand sanitizer in the bathroom because washing in the middle of the night wakes me up, but just going back to bed is gross. I did try it once out of desperation, but then I couldn’t sleep because I laid in bed imagining all the toilet-germs creeping up my arms and eating my face off while I was sleeping. Not that I actually touched anything in, on, or around the toilet, but still. Not flushing saves the environment. You should get an award for your stewardship.
D.J. Paris says:
@Tiff Stauffer Hand sanitizer for some reason really creeps me out. I don’t use it. I do, however, hold my head in my hands while I urinate as to support my head and not totally crash to the ground in the middle of the night. It’s very attractive. Just like me!
leslietimmons says:
We (as in my boyfriend and I) almost never flush pee because why? It doesn’t smell bad (except the early morning pee because it’s been accumulating ammonia smell all night and it grosses me out – so I find it a little gross that that is the main pee you don’t flush), it’s sanitary (you pee on jellyfish stings and some people drink it) and yellow is a pretty color. Well not that last reason, but pee is something that sits in our toilet for longer than we should probably admit to people outside of our room.
D.J. Paris says:
@leslietimmons Leslie, as my former favorite colleague at our last company, knowing this about you just knocked you down to beneath the ex-model who was sleeping with one of the married owners. I trust you can redeem yourself.
littlesprout26 says:
This is HILARIOUS… the “whoosh” doesn’t wake me from my nearly comatose sleep; it’s the need to urinate that does. I instantly go back to sleep. I, do, however, refer to myself in the 3rd person… even though my husband is usually around, as are the cats and dog, so the use of “we” is appropriate and makes sense… when I really AM referring to me, the royal we. ;o)
converse Independence says:
You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something that
I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for me.
I am looking forward for your next post, I
will try to get the hang of it!