Tag: turkey

Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About The Holidays

Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About The Holidays

I’ve never made out with anyone underneath mistletoe.

To be fair, if I’m at a friend’s home I’m not going to attack his wife because she happened to walk by the mistletoe plant on her way to the kitchen. Or sprig. Or whatever the hell mistletoe is. Nobody knows. What I do know is that it’s never helped me get over with the ladies. In the past I’ve even brought a tube of lip plumper to these parties, and taped it up next to the mistletoe so women can get their lips right for a kiss. I’m nothing if not thoughtful. But this column isn’t about me and my problems. It’s about yours. We got so many damn issues on this one topic, Allison Arnone and I are doing a part II next week. We started this advice column several months ago, and each time we do it we get more and more entries. It’s very much appreciated, and we respectfully bow to you. Now, go endure your family for the next week. It will be difficult, sure, but hey, your folks still load you up with some decent presents, and you’re thirty-seven years old. Just grin and bear it when mom starts in on your weight. Happy holidays! READ MORE

My Unconscious Loves Bringing Knives Through Security at Airports

It looks pretty ominous here, right? This photo kind of freaks me out.

I’m not a gun person.

We didn’t grow up hunting and no-one in the family owns a firearm. I’ve shot a gun exactly once, and that was in the Scottsdale, Arizona desert. I hit 3/5 targets and the instructor said that I had a pretty good shot. READ MORE

Ye Olde Renaissance Faire

Today marked the thirteenth straight year I visited the Renaissance Faire in Chicago.

Well, it’s not exactly in Chicago – about an hour away just north of the Wisconsin border. It’s a long drive for a festival and I make it every summer. While there are street fairs and events that happen every weekend here in the city, I get most excited about the Ren Faire. Why? I really don’t know. I’m not someone that speaks in olde English nor do I play fantasy role playing games. I don’t own a sword, dagger, or scabbard. I don’t think to shout, “Huzzah” whenever someone wins my favor, and I don’t refer to the bathroom as a privy. So, what is so great about the Faire? I’ve thought about why I come back every year, and have found a number of reasons… READ MORE

I Just Ate One Month Old Meatballs – A Confession

The evidence

Today I decided to throw open the sash of fear known as my freezer. I haven’t the foggiest what’s in there, and, now that I think about it, everything in there is actually foggy.

I have pounds of deli sliced turkey from back in October, never touched. There’s a Lean Cuisine something or other – the box is covered in frost. This is especially awesome since it must have been from my ex-wife and she hasn’t lived here in three years. I have, for some reason, some low-cal tortillas, a pint of Breyer’s, what I believe is beef tenderloin, some ice packs (have never used an ice pack in my life), a sleep mask (also never used), and various other meats, cheeses, and vegetables. READ MORE

Today I Ate a Dead Man’s Lunch

Who walks by a Jimmy John's and goes, "Holy Jesus, that smell is heavenly!" It's not exactly the same olfactory workout you get when passing by a Mrs. Field's stand in the mall.

Okay, so I’m not sure how to write about this one.

I hired a guy about six months ago for a position. He was in his early sixties and one of the nicest people I had ever met. His past career had been in education and he was a dean at a university prior to working with us. He would come in every day and sit at his desk  working  to  build a business in real estate. READ MORE

I’ve Started Dumping Water In Garbage Cans

I would love to take a water bottle and equally pour it in all four cans. I would have fun with this.

I have slowly turned into a guy who dumps water in garbage cans.

It started at work. I have an office with a little garbage can. Since I’m the only one that is ever in my office I have full control of what goes in the trash. I only toss paper in there. Even though I eat in my office my two turkey sandwiches for lunch are packaged in  tupperware  containers. I have a napkin that gets tossed each meal but most of the time it goes unused. I don’t even put any condiments on the sandwich. Just spinach, turkey, cheese and tomato. So, none of my foodstuffs end up on the napkin or in the garbage. READ MORE

My Dad Just Taught Me I’m Good Enough for High-End Turkey

See if they have this near you. I'm not kidding.

My father has a strong will.

One time, back in college, we were shopping at a mall. At that point in my life I was terrified of talking to girls. He was completely strung out on caffeine. We saw some cute girl working at the Gap. He said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You go up and ask that girl out, and I’ll quit caffeine cold turkey.” Both of these goals seemed preposterous. You don’t just approach a woman after a lifetime of never doing so. Same with cutting out Diet Coke. Well, I couldn’t do it. He did. Fifteen years later and he hasn’t touched a drop of it since. READ MORE

I Sometimes Order Domino’s – A Confession

I would eat this dog just for dressing like a lobster.

The title is pretty clear, yes?

Yesterday I didn’t really eat much other than yogurt, cereal, and protein drink. That’s not enough calories to get you healthfully through two ten mile bike rides to and from work. Since I often forget to eat during the day, I come home exhausted, sweaty, and famished. READ MORE

I Solved The Sweating Problem A Year Ago

Three things - first, how awful is that logo? Second, I didn't know that "Jaycees" was a real thing. I guess it is. Third, if I had any self-esteem I would have cleaned the burrito stain off the shirt prior to this photo.

Yesterday I wrote about how I sweat through shirts when it’s hot out.  I think my body just runs warmer than most.  It’s not a lot of fun when you’re trying to impress a chick at the Taste of Chicago in early July eating a turkey leg sweating like a moron. READ MORE