Tag: cat

My Ex-Wife Got Married (But I’m Pretty Sure Still Uses My Last Name)

In a ironic twist, my family is Spanish. 0% French.

This morning I was hit with something that I wasn’t expecting.

My ex-wife just got married. I was made aware of this because my veterinarian emailed my ex-wife who forwarded it to me. This is a little complicated. Explanation necessary, D.J.!

Christina and I divorced over two and half years ago. I still contact her every once in a while. We’re perfectly friendly and sometimes I need advice on pet stuff. She, too, is a vet. Well, my dog is due for a dental. This is a relatively routine procedure but when I called the animal hospital yesterday, the vet tech had expressed interest in giving her a catheter for anesthesia. My dog is very sensitive to shots and has become sick in the past for this kind of thing. My ex has instructed me to call her before any procedure to give the go-ahead. I’m glad she’s available as she’s a great doctor. READ MORE

Women’s Feet, Dressing Up Man-Parts, and Drunken Karoake

I love the jean skirt - more aptly titled the "jirt." WE NEED MORE JIRTS LADIES.

About once a week I hit writer’s block. It’s then I rely upon your genius to firestart my creativity. Here’s the Facebook suggestions.

  • Willow C – cats in drawers

There’s simply nothing cuter. Well, unless the cat confuses the drawer with her litter box as my socks could tell you. Since the infusion of nightly gel Prozac into my cat’s ears she hasn’t peed outside the box in over two months. But if I leave that sock drawer open I’m risking Pandora’s Box. Oh, so once my cat peed on some papers I had on my counter top. Well, they were really important papers and I had to bring them to work the next day. Even now they sit on my desk still stained yellow. And yes, they stink. I’m not kidding. READ MORE

Stuff That Just Entered My Mind Tonight

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You about ready for cutest thing you’ve read all day?

My friend Suzanne and I (that I’ve known since the fifth grade) pick a movie on Friday nights and then both download it. She lives in Dallas, I’m in Chicago. We watch it and send texts to each other throughout the film. I will complete your next thought – yes, right after the movie I go and shave my vagina. READ MORE

Okay, I Now Fully Understand Parenting

I'd like to get one without freckles please. Freckles is nasty, yo.

I finally completely understand (two adverbs in a row! A new low, even for me.) what it’s like to be a parent.

This is an accurate statement as today I spent time with two children for approximately ninety minutes.

My friend Justin and his wife have a girl and a boy ages three and a half and one and half. I have been out to see them five times in the last year. READ MORE

I Finally Got Back at My Cat

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I’m not even going to pretend I won’t write about my cat anymore.

But this post is about revenge, people.

In the past I’ve talked about how I’ve fantasized of beating her silly each time she urinates outside the box. People were really upset that I admitted to having that thought. But every mom has had the idea of wringing their child’s neck at least once, and unless you have a really uncool local police that convicts people with crimes of the mind, it’s totally normal to have those moments. So, to reiterate, I have never beaten my cat. READ MORE

I Wrote What You Told Me (Again)

Once in awhile I have nothing to write about. So I ask you what to do. You tell me. I do.

With the exception of the years I was married I never had a date on New Years. I had a few long distance relationships, but we were never together on New Years. So every year is about the same. If I was at a bar I turned in a circle to find somebody to kiss. It never led to anything more. One year my wife and I had a party at our condo and I watched a guest telling a story and eating the peel and eat shrimp (I have this amazing recipe) without taking the shell off first. I kept wanting to raise my hand and interrupt him with a, “Holy Christ, man! What kind of insanity is this?” but I couldn’t because he hadn’t arrived at the story’s punchline. That was probably the wildest thing I ever witnessed on NYE. READ MORE

I Stole My Housekeeper’s Keys (So She Wouldn’t Steal From Me)

It's probably not technically legal to post this photo from her phone without permission but I want you to see the face of the woman that stole my Kindle, but not my heart.

A few days ago I wrote a piece about how my shockingly-English-speaking cleaning lady was a poor negotiator. By the way according to my analytics, basically nobody liked the story. Screw you fools. Writing everyday is hard.

I will admit it was a little weak. Ahem… READ MORE

How Not To Negotiate (if you’re a housekeeper)

One of the other things I’ve written about ad nauseum is my dirty condo.

I’m just going to resign myself to the becoming-more-and-more apparent fact that I’m just not going to become skilled at cleaning. I received a cold-call at work the other day from a big commercial cleaning service wanting our business. I had put off hiring a housekeeper since the last time the skag I hired stole a bunch of my crap. READ MORE

The Legend of Toby Wong (a cactus)

Toby Wong II

This may be one of the sillier posts of the year.

When I was twenty three I took a big beer truck all over the country that opened up into a dance club. Without going into too many details, it was a fun gig and we partied seven days a week across most of the  continental  U.S. Living out of hotels getting blasted every day was definitely a surreal experience. By the end of two years I had no understanding of accountability or normalcy. I never knew anyone for more than a week. The only relationship I had was with a woman named Mia and it was for a five days in Buffalo. READ MORE