Over Thanksgiving, reader-turned-girlfriend Jessica was telling a story about how one of her friends didn’t know that a pimento in a green olive was placed there by man. Then my entire family started laughing at this friend that nobody except Jessica had met. I’m pretty sure my sister yelled out, “Fool!”
No, that’s not true. Nobody yells out, “Fool!”
I wasn’t particularly paying attention to this story, as is often the case. I enjoy talking to myself. But I did hear this olive story in the periphery and I became instantly confused.
I said aloud:
You know what? I didn’t know that either. I just thought olives grew that way!
The whole room turned at once to face me and fell silent. You know that expression “my jaw fell open” in literature where something dumb or shocking is said and nobody knows how to react? We all know that doesn’t really happen in real life, but imagine that’s what everybody did.
Then, Jessica said, “Um… you think it’s just part of the olive? The red thing?”
Yeah, well, that’s what is so weird – I mean, why would they take the red part out, and then put it back in? Do they pickle the pimento or something? I don’t understand.
“D.J., the pimento is not part of the olive. It’s red pepper.”
You’re shitting me. No – wait. Is it? Like red pepper, the vegetable?
“Holy Christ.”
Mind you that not two years before I had been to an olive orchard in Tuscany and watched how they made olive oil. I had never in my life thought that the olive and pimento were not united from birth. I just thought that was the middle of the olive.
Please understand I can’t eat green olives. I mean, olive oil is great, but green olives are just too goddamn strong. I have never voluntarily eaten one on my own volition. I can handle shaved pieces of black ones on a sandwich or salad, but even those are a little intense.
So, no martinis, no olive bar at the grocer, no drinking olive juice when I get desperate. I stay away from olives. I just don’t like them, and they make me queasy. Even those little ones, capers, are kind of too much.
I swear to God, at 35 I had never heard somebody mention that pimento means “red pepper” or whatever.
There, I exposed my food idiocy. Please reveal yours.
changethetopic says:
I can’t think of one, except that I didn’t realize that anchovies were fish, and once ordered them on a pizza, just to f*** with the pizza guy, and also because I was a little high, and wanted to see what the fuss was all about. Needless to say, I am not a fish fan, and I know why people are always saying “no anchovies”.
On a non food related embarrassing story. I was with a girl at our local bar, and they had a gazelle head above the bar with chrome tips on the horns. She looked at me and asked if those animals were born with steel on there antlers. Dumbfounded, I replied that no animals were born with metal on their bodies. A buddy on the other side of her told her to ask about the steelhead trout. She turned to me and said “Yeah, what about the steelhead trout?” I said that I had forgotten about that, and that was the last date we went on.
D.J. Paris says:
@changethetopic Wow. I’m guessing that girl would have been easy to trick into bed. I hope you did.
changethetopic says:
@delfinparis No trickery needed, my friend. That was how the date even came to be. It, unfortunately, was the last time there was any bedding for what was the longest dry spell of my life.
goldspan says:
I had one of those moments when I told my friend that I never realized Dr. Zoidberg is Jewish. She said “but his name is ZoidBERG!” And I said “Well, forgive me for not making that connection, after all he is a fucking alien!”
D.J. Paris says:
@goldspan Zoidberg. Is. God.
Jessica_thereader says:
And this brings me to yet one more fantastic thing about the South – Pimento Cheese!! Please don’t tell me that you’ve never had it, because I may get the vapors and faint!
D.J. Paris says:
@Jessica_thereader Nobody gets the vapors any more. I wish they did. Why isn’t everything like “Gone With The Wind”?
KellyMcClennahanBarnett says:
I can beat that. A friend in high school once said to me (in all seriousness) while eating a dill pickle, “you know, pickles look a lot like cucumbers.” I fell into stunned silence.
changethetopic says:
@KellyMcClennahanBarnett While I was down in Florida picking up a load of corn, I noticed huge bins of cucumbers sitting there. I asked why there were so many cucumbers, and the guy explained that they were pickles. I tried three times to tell him that they weren’t pickles until they were in fact pickled, but he just said “Whatever man, I think I’d know. I do work on the pickle farm.”
D.J. Paris says:
@KellyMcClennahanBarnett You just blew my mind. Just kidding – I’m not that dumb.
YoungmanBrown says:
That is pretty baller. I love olives, though, and eat them like candy.
Okay, here is my food confession. Two years ago when my family was playing Catchphrase, it was my turn and “stir-fry” came up. As my first clue, I said “something that black people eat!”
I am self-admittedly unrefined. And also completely oblivious to other culture’s cuisines.
D.J. Paris says:
@YoungmanBrown Wow – ignorant AND racist! That is quite an accomplishment. Hilarious.
EmilyPageVogel says:
Capers are an olive? You taught me something today. I am 32. I thought capers were some sort of seafood! Geesh.
D.J. Paris says:
@EmilyPageVogel Emily – you, sir, are a TOTAL moron. Capers are olives. Jeez…
(not sure if you saw more recent post, which is even more embarrassing)
wilyguy says:
Wow! I can eat a whole jar in a sitting!
But I can also eat a whole avocado with a little Italian dressing (in the same sitting).
I also like jalapeños.
And mushrooms that have been soaking in Italian dressing… Oh yeah.
WG
http://itsmynd.com
Angelique says:
I don’t suppose this is a good time to tell you that capers are flower buds.
D.J. Paris says:
@Angelique I… I don’t know. You could be right. Too lazy to Google.
Robin Oz says:
http://f.tqn.com/y/homecooking/1/L/C/y/1/GettyImages-135585681.jpg
Angelique you’re so correct. I definitely knew not olives) which I love all, but don’t buy the ones stuffed with pimentos to me that takes away the true essence of the olive!)
I was thinking in the direction of a herb bud, but had to google.
Really enjoy reading all the shares!
KarolineRiskowski says:
Del, what did capers ever do to you? Capers make Chicken Piccata….perhaps you could try them again.
D.J. Paris says:
Wow! I can eat a whole jar in a sitting!
But I can also eat a whole avocado with a little Italian dressing (in the same sitting).
I also like jalapeños.
And mushrooms that have been soaking in Italian dressing… Oh yeah.
WG
http://itsmynd.com
Jodie says:
I still don’t know what prunes are.
Anne says:
I didn’t know pickles were cucumbers until seeing “New Pickles” in a Jewish deli and discovering they looked just like cucumbers. I had learned metamorphosis of frogs and butterflies in science class, but since we never ate pickles, I had not learned that pickling was a process until seeing the cucumber jar, next to the new pickle jar, next to the pickle jar.