Yesterday, I revealed that until last November, I had no idea that the red thing inside of a green olive was a pepper. I thought it came with the olive. I am 35.
Today’s story, believe it or not, is even more embarrassing.
And lest you think I exaggerate, I can even ask the person who witnessed this almost twenty years ago to verify. His name is Justin, and has been a great friend for twenty-five years. In fact, when I got married, he got a marryer (that’s probably not a word) license and became our officiant. I also blame him for the subsequent divorce.
Anyway, back in high school when I was sixteen a bunch of us were in Justin’s folks’ kitchen. I’m sure we were waxing something mature like which girls were in our “five hottest” list. I almost certainly was not on anyone’s list. I think I must have become better looking over time because since I’ve left school, a number of female classmates have told me that I’m handsome. Think about it – for people you’ve known for years, you would only say, “You look so thin!” if the person was huge before.
Somehow the conversation moved over to pasta – who knows why. And I said something like this…
I think it’s just amazing how they find pasta and harvest it – so much work!
Justin looked at me and saw an opening. He jumped in.
“What do you mean ‘find pasta’? Where do you think it comes from?”
Wait – doesn’t pasta come from the sea?
“There’s no way you just said that sentence. Say it again.”
Uh oh.
I’m not sure why, but I had no idea that pasta was a wheat product. I mean, I saw when my mom would make spaghetti using one of those circular measuring things. I knew it came dry. I had just assumed that when it was pulled out of the sea (note – I didn’t know if “sea” meant ocean or freshwater), it was dried and then packaged.
Please realize, that I was not a total moron. In school I was in all accelerated classes (except math – NERDS!), and was generally believed to be intelligent by my peers.
I think I somehow linked it up with rice, which grows on paddies in water. Which, you have to admit, is sort of in the ballpark of pasta.
No?
Before I wrote that last piece about rice, I absolutely Google’d “where does rice grow” and read the Wikipedia article on rice, just to confirm. Bear in mind that I have been to four foreign countries where I have actually seen rice growing on water in paddies.
jennapooh1971 says:
All right, the red thing inside the olive – I’m 40 and just learned that lesson last year. So I’m with you there. The pasta thing? You are on your own with that one, I’m leaving you in the wind.
D.J. Paris says:
@jennapooh1971 Yay – now I don’t feel so damned alone!
BellyBillboard says:
See, if you’d have been in accelerated math classes, you would have known that Spaghetti wasn’t from the sea, and in fact, actually grew on Spaghetti bushes.
As for Olives and Pimentos…..I’m going to have to issue a wedgie. I don’t want to do it, but it’s sort of a rule. You get one Pimento-fail wedgie at my earliest convenience.
D.J. Paris says:
@BellyBillboard I deserve both a wedgie and a swirly (where you dunk my head in a commode and then flush)
Katrina says:
Okay I think more people than care to admit have fallen for the olive issue…..but umm pasta?? I have heard of little kids being conned about that one…but at 16, i think there might be a prize for that!!!! Shows just how much things have moved on with how everything is prepackaged in our kitchens and nothing is made from scratch anymore…I guess that’s why there are so many kids (yes in high school) that don’t know a lot of things about food as in what sort of vegetable something is and how it’s grown or where things like butter comes from….Still gave me my giggle for the day
Sarah Dronen says:
Best. Story. Ever.
NoraBlithe says:
I was going to tell you that I thought the olive thing wasn’t so bad until I read the part about the pasta. I’m thinking a little culinary TV might be just the fix you need to bring you up to speed on where food comes from.
D.J. Paris says:
@NoraBlithe Since I don’t have a vagina, I’m not interested in the Food Network.
Dawn says:
Haha. Only vaginas like food network????
RamblinGarden says:
Haven’t you seen the famous 1957 BBC documentary about the spaghetti tree harvest? , It doesn’t come from the sea….lol.
D.J. Paris says:
@RamblinGarden I have not – but I’m interested in your ideas. Please subscribe me to your newsletter.
D.J. Paris says:
Thank you SD!
D.J. Paris says:
I still haven’t figured out if tomatoes are fruits or vegetables. Ha.
BrookieCookie says:
I have a friend, who until she went to college, swore the lyrics to Bette Midler’s “Wind Beneath My Wings” were, “I can fly higher than a negro.” It was only when her African American roommate heard her belting out her best rendition that she was corrected.
D.J. Paris says:
@BrookieCookie I’m going to blow your mind right now. Ready? Those ARE the lyrics to the song. She had it right. Yep.
Crack You Whip says:
I thought pasta was a dried up plant and the red thing in the olive…this is the first I am hearing about that. Where have I been for the last 40 years?
D.J. Paris says:
@Crack You Whip High on Quaaludes?
circustoybox says:
I don’t even eat olives, not even on pizza…and not even if they are on fancy toothpicks. And nobody in my Asian family even cares for olives…
Pasta, well I watched food network too much not to know. There was this one chef who used dried up, packaged pasta in a competition instead of making it out of dough and his teammates totally talked bad about him behind his back. So I guess using dried up pasta is cheating to chefs.
wcdameron says:
Finally, someone else who thought the red thing (is it a pimento?) was a part of the olive! I just found this out a few years ago, and I am 48…..
D.J. Paris says:
@wcdameron I know! Glad I found someone older and as dumb as me.
GLAMCanadaMag says:
Pasta comes from the sea? Paris…seriously?? LMAO!!!
shy_one96 says:
I can understand your not knowing about the red bit in the olives and even possibly how pasta may have been harvested from the sea. My co-worker beat you when she calmly asked what kind of tree does a watermelon grow on. UMMMM yeah I couldn’t respond, I think she is still standing in the office waiting for my reply. I told her I would get back to her on that and proceeded to the nearest exit because clearly the ALIENS had already sucked her brain out and I didn’t want to be next.
D.J. Paris says:
@shy_one96 One major difference. She didn’t have brains to start with – I’m reasonably intelligent. Wait, maybe that makes me look worse.
dSavannahCreate says:
@tfpHumorBlog @NoraBlithe I have a vagina, but I also have ZERO interest in the Food Network.
D.J. Paris says:
@dSavannahCreate @NoraBlithe It’s true. I’ve seen her vagina. It’s real.
D.J. Paris says:
@circustoybox Asians don’t like olives? I just learned something new to make fun of Asians about! Thanks!
Janine Huldie says:
And now I see what you do when you are bored, lol!! Seriously thanks for linking this up today!! 🙂
Kristi Campbell says:
Okay, the pasta thing is pretty dumb. Sorry. But I think you just taught me that the red thing inside an olive is a pepper. Oops.
Kristi Campbell says:
PS I used to think capers were fish eggs. Not my fault though. My mom said they were. She sucks.
Ankita says:
Yes, rice grows in puddles. I eat rice everyday, and I can assure you it’s nothing like pasta. At all.