I just drove through the worst blizzard of my life.
Not to worry, dearest dears, as I’m not writing this from the “other side.” Note – I once was meditating while in college and I felt myself leave my body. I was being pulled by some unknown force and I got scared and woke up. I thought I was going to be killed if I left my body. Turns out I’m a big pussy even in death.
I have one of these insanely long cars that, for some reason, has rear wheel drive. I don’t know anything about cars but I know that rear wheel drive blows. I had it on my first car which was a sporty little German thing. But that was stick shift and had a double spoiler on the rear window. “Oh, D.J., I didn’t realize you were Puerto Rican!” No, you racist jerks, I am not from wherever the hell that is. I did enjoy West Side Story even though nobody in that movie was remotely from Puerto Rico.
I have a big V8 motor. I don’t know if that means anything on the road when it’s snowing ice bullets, but I was swerving all over the road like your Uncle Irv after an Elks Club social. I was just minding my own and my car started sliding toward the other lane. I, naturally, forgot if you’re supposed to pump the brakes or just slam on them.
After a bunch of trial and error I found that pumping them worked the best. But you may want to Google to confirm.
Thankfully the other lane was empty. I did a solid ninety degree’r which was kind of cool. My car also has this feature called ACS or something. It comes on automatically and sort of tries to steer for you. It also does something funky to the transmission which causes the tires to keep jerking until they get traction. All sounds pretty cool, but it’s not. You feel like you have no control and are about to die.
My other awesome spin out occurred at just six miles an hour. I was pulling off on minor highway onto a major highway. It was a red light. Since nobody was insane enough to be out driving (I was coming home to Peoria to spend the holidays), I was alone on the road. I didn’t put on my signal because I’m a rebel, but I did slow down to single digits and attempted a right turn. Pretty easy stuff. Except I ended up in a two hundred and seventy degree spin. Almost all the way around. At one point I was headed for the ditch which wouldn’t have been a big deal. I was kind of excited to go in there just to say, “I went into a ditch!” But I didn’t. Just spun out very slowly.
I’m not kidding when I say this was the most dangerous ride of my life. The thing about it is that at some early point in the three-hour drive I just gave up control. Nothing I could do except slow down and try not to get hypnotized by the snow and ice hurling at the car at 60mph. No joke. It was like that scene in 2001 : A Space Odyssey where he crosses over into insanity with all the lights. I made my peace with death and found myself thinking, “Well, I’ve loved, lost, and lived. I’m ready to come to the light.” Just kidding. I’m not that lame.
When I got here I was greeted with a plate of homemade ribs. Then my father took his nightly Ambien and got goofy. He walked up the stairs backwards. He also came up with a funny priest’s name for a bit I’m writing for Second City. After that he came back into my roon holding five Breathe Right strips. I don’t have breathing issues, but he loves giving them to me. He even watched me put it on and then squeezed my nose to make sure it stuck.
It’s fun to be home.
