I had a great idea.
When I started getting some decent traffic to my site, I began to receive emails from readers. I noticed that nearly all of these emails were from women. I suspect that there are more women who read blogs than men. This may just be a result of many mothers who stay at home and raise their children. In fact, there is a whole “mommy blogger” category of blogs, and it is HUGE. Every year one of the biggest blogging conventions is called BlogHer which you have probably have figured out is for birds.
Now, of course, being a single man, I love the idea of women reading my posts. Even though most of the women who write to me seem to be happily married, it is nice to receive the attention.
But not all of them are married.
Some are downright single.
And hot.
My idea was, since I’ve saved up like 10 free flights over the years, to visit a few of these women in their hometown and go on a proper date. I would call it “Dates With Readers.”
Then I would write about the night, chronicling every part of the experience. The woman would also write about their experience with me, and whether they liked me, or if they had thought I was a total d-bag.
Would be hilarious.
And I had two lined up already. First is a fellow blogger, Karen, who, despite her gross old-lady name, is pretty and funny. Problem? She’s stationed overseas in the air guard in one of those middle eastern countries with the sand. Her blog is Chick in a Box, and I highly encourage you to read it. She’s great.
And she is totally in, but doesn’t come back to the U.S. until March. Plus, she might get blown to shit before that.
Next is Jaime who is a university professor in the southwest. Also pretty and very intelligent. Funny as well. I suspect she would make a great friend. She also thought it was a fabulous idea.
I felt like I needed one more woman to make this an actual blog “feature.”
So this random woman, out of nowhere, friends me on Facebook.
Full disclosure – She found me on Facebook by accident. She meant to “like” my ThoughtsFromParis page, and somehow ended up on my personal page. I’d love to say that she was a die-hard groupie who stalked me, but this is just not true. Sadly.
Her profile picture really grabbed my attention as her physical beauty really matched up with what I’m attracted to. Big, full shoulder blades, and a defined jaw. Just kidding. She was super hot in the traditional sense.
Second Full disclosure : The phrase “big full shoulder blades” is a reference lifted from a Bloom County cartoon where Steve Dallas, drunk on root beer, announces that he is attracted to women with “big, full shoulder blades.” God that was the greatest comic strip ever.
The bottom line was that I just had to talk with this woman. Except she had never sent me a message or attempted to contact me in any way. I didn’t even know she had read my site. I thought she might just be a friend of a friend. So I reached out.
When I learned she had read a few of my stories, I used that as a leverage point to wedge my way into her life. I just had to, you understand. She was that beautiful.
Her name is Jessica and she lives in Atlanta.
We exchanged phone numbers and I pitched the idea of flying down there and going on a date. She loved it and we tentatively planned on me coming down there for New Year’s Eve. Since we didn’t yet really know each other, this made sense, as we could spend the next few months chatting and connecting.
Also, if she turned out to be a psycho I could always bail mid-December.
The more I talked with her, the more I really started to like her. As much as you can within a few phone calls for somebody that you’ve never met in person.
And then I realized I didn’t actually want to go out with the other women. I mean, they are fantastic, and super fun and great supporters. But we were just going to go out as a joke.
Jessica and I were really connecting. I dropped the idea of going out with the other women, and decided that this was not, in fact, a joke. This was real.
I called my father to tell him of this woman I had met online. And he said something that was so outrageous and unexpected, I was speechless for a few seconds (the longest ever in my life).
You’ll have to wait until tomorrow for the rest of this story. What a dick move!
Until then, here’s a picture of a stoned dog’s birthday party.
Susan K says:
I want to be on the standby list!!!
D.J. Paris says:
@Susan K I’ll need you to complete a talent portion. What are your skills? Song? Dance? Accounting?
thebleupills says:
I would like to be on the list as well, but only if you are hawt and willing to babysit my toddler for a day. :p
D.J. Paris says:
@thebleupills I love toddlers, because they are super easy to teach “adult” words to. I’m in!
Susan K says:
I am amazing at accounting, maybe I can dance, but not in public. I make an incredible potato dish, and I love to read.
D.J. Paris says:
@Susan K Wow – you just went 0 for 6.
Susan K says:
@delfinparis Is that good?
D.J. Paris says:
@Susan K Nope.
Jennifeckingfer says:
I want be on the list of dinner/dancing/dating for married people. So we could like, hang out and eat good food and get jiggy with it, but you won’t get any. Maybe. Probably. Er….to be continued. Shazam!
D.J. Paris says:
@Jennifeckingfer Your husband and priest are not amused by this comment. Of course, they are both having an affair. Just sayin’.
Jesse3581 says:
@delfinparis@Jennifeckingfer With each other?
D.J. Paris says:
@Jesse3581@Jennifeckingfer Yeah, that was the joke. (since I had to explain it, I’m assuming it didn’t work.)
Jennifeckingfer says:
@delfinparis@Jesse3581 Just for clarity, and to avoid further humiliation and excoriating, if you were to get any, it would NOT have been from me. Hence – joke. You can have the priest.
D.J. Paris says:
@Jennifeckingfer @Jesse3581 – one thing I never understood about Catholicism – they’re against homosexuality, yet their priests wear dresses. 🙂
bluray says:
Can totally hear music playing in the background when you meet your readers
D.J. Paris says:
@bluray What songs specifically? When I go to Atlanta for New Years, and I meet up with some readers, maybe I’ll have that going when they walk in.
Jesse3581 says:
@delfinparis @bluray porn music, obviously. I don’t know, I could be wrong.
bluray says:
@Jesse3581@delfinparis ya in delfinparis’ head.way to go
D.J. Paris says:
@Jesse3581@bluray I wouldn’t know, as I only watch The 700 Club and other religious programming. And BET.
bluray says:
@delfinparis@Jesse3581 i think it’l be a very interesting post . Thats wat u shud write next – ” the music in my head”
Sonja Rois says:
Here’s my theory on women bloggers/readers (not that you asked). We converse more than men. Apparently we don’t get enough of it in “real” life, we have this whole way to spread out words to many others via the internet! And reading others blogs, it’s just like being on the listening end of the conversation since most of them have comment sections where we can respond.Sound legit?!? It does to me. It could be cause it’s too early in the morning for me to tell if I’m making sense anymore.
bluray says:
@Sonja Rois do you have a theory on men bloggers as well?
Sonja Rois says:
@bluray@Sonja Rois
Actually, I don’t. Tell the truth, I’m a bit suprised I came up with the one on women bloggers. Might be because I am one, but I’m not usually that insightful. I have tons of theorys on aliens, vampires, farts and all around odd stuff, but actually honest stuff like the diff between men and women??? Nope. Hope this helped. 😀
D.J. Paris says:
@Sonja Rois I think you’re probably right. I also think that women have a stronger need to connect on an intimate level, which leads them to find their tribe online. Men need this too, actually, but are much less in touch with the idea of community.