I just had to call my ex-wife last night.
Hey, I have something so awful to share that you will lose whatever remaining shred of respect you still have for me.
You mean like gross?
Yes, I’m sitting here looking at something really gross.
Well, I can’t imagine it could be worse then all those times you ………………………………………………………...
The first song I ever sang in front of an audience was Mother by Pink Floyd. I was a fifth year in college and in a small acoustic bar band call Raif LaShanks.
The name Raif LaShanks came from some NBA player named Raef LaFrentz. We changed it to Shanks because we thought obscure slang for STDs were funny.
Familiar with kismet? For all you knuckle-draggers, it’s fate or destiny.
And while I don’t believe we can heal others with our positive thoughts, or in crystals or guardian angels, I do believe in meeting someone at the right time that can border on magic.
Okay, my only mandate on this blog is…
Write the truth. Don’t lie, and don’t exaggerate (or try really hard not to).
Why? Because it’s too easy to lie to make a point or a joke. I’ve found that in life the hardest thing to do for me is to expose my vulnerabilities to others. It’s scary, and my mind has many ways of coping. Mostly by denial and/or humor.
About once every two years I meet someone during the winter who proudly exclaims, “I love winter!” You ever stumble across one of these foolios?
I look at him (it’s always a him) and I say, “I don’t believe you.”
By the way, these winter-lovers always talk about it from the office at work which is already comfortably heated to 72 degrees.
It’s estimated that today we’re supposed to receive two to four inches of snow here in Chicago. Just two days ago it was 51 degrees. Been a great January so far.
Yesterday the big news was that it was supposed to be six to eight inches. I’m pretty sure that weathermen always overestimate so that their viewers will feel relieved when it’s much milder. Here’s a reenactment.
After a very long day, I am finally home. At work I only consumed 300 calories, which is because I typically don’t schedule lunch. This is incredible unhealthy, and I’m sure my metabolism is that of a borderline diabetic.
Then, I had a support group meeting, talking about my feelings for two hours, drank a Fanta (110 calories), and got home around 9pm.
I have a wedding coming up in a few months. Since I am at my fattest, it’s time to slim down. I really have no excuse since I live two and half blocks from my gym. It’s time to get down and get healthy.
I need your help. What songs should I power squat to?
This past weekend I found out my microwave had stopped working because it was leaking radiation. The unit has a kill switch that triggers when it senses the electromagenitc waves are not contained within the microwave itself.
So, for the past month I was without a microwave. And you know what? I realized I only use it for a few things.
I'll never give this child another cigarette, pinky swears!
