Okay, my only mandate on this blog is…
Write the truth. Don’t lie, and don’t exaggerate (or try really hard not to).
Why? Because it’s too easy to lie to make a point or a joke. I’ve found that in life the hardest thing to do for me is to expose my vulnerabilities to others. It’s scary, and my mind has many ways of coping. Mostly by denial and/or humor.
So, if I’m feeling angry or sad or ashamed and you ask me how I’m doing, there’s a small chance I would actually tell you the truth. Now, I don’t think it’s always appropriate to reveal the most raw parts of you to others. When you expose yourself to people, they can hurt you. But I’m talking about my closest friends. I’m afraid to let them see that I’m not perfect. I’m much better at this now, though. I’m in various groups where we get together and talk about the hard stuff.
And since I pride myself on each post on this blog, when its in reference to me, being honest and open, I have a shameful confession.
I purchased 2700 of my Twitter followers.
Why? Because I wanted YOU to think I was a big shot.
I wanted you to think I had a ton of people following me so that you would be like, “Wow, I need to jump on this rocket ship! This is headed straight to famous!”
The reality is that I obtain about 1-2 new Twitter followers a day just from this blog. But God forbid you see that my super popular and awesome blog only has a few hundred measly followers. So, in reality, I probably have like 700 real followers.
How do you buy followers? It cost me $5. Just Google it. You can buy anything.
I owe you the truth. Many of you pour your heart out via private emails to me, or through the commenting. I value that, and I’m glad the gaffes about my father’s penis resonate with you.
My deepest apologies in trying to impress you with fake followers. The joke’s on me because you don’t care how many Twitter followers I have.
But I do want to re-confirm that everything I write is pretty much 100% true. I really do poop while talking on the phone, I used to wear tight jeans back in 2003, and I once killed a man in the desert.
Okay, that last one wasn’t true. But I wish it were. (I’d be the coolest!)
Please forgive my trespasses, or however that old rhyme goes. Thanks for being a fan.
If you’d like to follow me on Twitter, and I hope you do because I love interacting with readers, please click here.
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