My Microwave Was Leaky! (the word leaky is awesome – it just is)

This brand's marketing department sucks. Poor logo choice.

This past weekend I found out my microwave had stopped working because it was leaking radiation.  The unit has a kill switch that triggers when it senses the electromagenitc waves are not contained within the microwave itself.

This brand's marketing department sucks. Poor logo choice.

So, for the past month I was without a microwave.  And you know what?  I realized I only use it for a few things.

Namely cooking popcorn.

I’m not a coffee or tea drinker.  I guess once in a while I heat up some leftovers.

The fact that my microwave was spewing out free radicals I wish was a bigger concern to me.  But I don’t treat my body that well to begin with.

Yesterday, I went to see a movie.  By myself.  No matter how confident and secure you are, there is still a sense of sadness when you purchase a solo ticket.  Because you’re basically the only one going there alone.  It’s nothing but groups of friends and couples.  So, what do I do to handle the lonliness?

I buy a large popcorn with light butter.  Then, because in that instant I shame myself, I also order a water.  That will cleanse the 1700 calories of fat and carbs that are about to enter my system during the next ninety minutes.

The only thing sadder about ordering a large popcorn itself is finishing it during the film.

No wait – strike that.  The only thing sadder than ordering a large popcorn and finishing it is finishing it within the first thirty minutes of the film.  Which I do.

movie theater popcorn
Thousands of calories and dozens of future farts.

Then I’m left with nothing but water and an  increasingly  horrible feeling in my stomach during the third act.

Plus, as I’ve aged for some reason my body had decided it’s not interested in digesting the kernels anymore.  Without going into too much detail, let’s just say the next day is pretty rough.  Popcorn husks have sharp edges.  Actually, that went into quite a bit of detail.  Sorry.

So, last month while at home I was spared the indigestion of popcorn during shows I’m too embarrassed to admit that I watch, I wreck myself at the theater.

And tonight, now that the microwave is fixed, I am going to cook a bag of popcorn.  Goddamned if writing this post didn’t make me want some.

If I end up with cancer next year, I won’t honestly be able to say which was the culprit.  Leaky radiation or  artificial  butter.

5 thoughts on “My Microwave Was Leaky! (the word leaky is awesome – it just is)”

  1. D.J. Paris says:

    Hey, please don’t post a link to your site in your comment. Next time I’ll have to ban your comments. Thanks.

  2. BellyBillboard says:

    Do you mean to tell me that the leaky microwave radiation didn’t grant you superhuman powers? You could’ve been great! The superhero nobody wants, and only a select few in a specific niche might need.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      @BellyBillboard Sir, you just got nominated for best comment of the day. Congrats. (you win nothing)

      1. BellyBillboard says:

        @delfinparis Hell, that’s just like marriage. You win nothing in the long run. That first night and the honeymoon…and then BOOM! Nada.

  3. MrsCourtneyP says:

    @tfpHumorBlog The word “leaky” is right up there with “moist”. Both should be outlawed.

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