My Head Moves On it’s Own Like it’s Possessed – A Confession

Chaka Kahn, everybody, everyb... (well, you know)

This is probably the weirdest thing about me.

No, wait. It definitely is.

When I was nineteen I started to get involved in new-agey stuff. Out of sheer curiosity I visited the local shop that sold dream catchers and patchuli face cream. As I was looking over the Kama Sutra books with explicit photos, I noticed a line of beautiful glass bowls on a wall. The keeper noted my interest and asked if I was familiar with chakras. I told her that Chaka Kahn was okay, but I didn’t like her later stuff. She laughed but I was serious. READ MORE

I’ve Never Written a Song – A Confession

"Like a woman on her cycle, D.J. got mad flow"

I’ve been playing guitar for over twenty-five years and have never written a complete song.

Not for lack of trying. I bet I’ve put more than a thousand hours into jamming with myself with the sole intention of writing an actual piece of music with a beginning, middle, and end. It just hasn’t happened. I come up with plenty of riffs, choruses, bridges and outtros – I have dozens (if not hundreds) of these clips recorded and saved onto my computer. You could probably cobble many of them together to compose a decent tune. I just can’t seem to do it myself. READ MORE

My ThoughtsFromParis App Was Rejected by Apple For This Reason…

I was thinking on the subway this evening, “Why did I really build an app for my blog?”

The easy and obvious answer is that it would make accessing my content easier. The app aggregates my podcasts, posts, and even videos, as well as my Twitter and Facebook feeds. It does, in fact, help people who want to read, listen or watch my stuff find it in one spot. READ MORE

The Twenty-Four Year Old Running The Chili’s Twitter Account is Fun

The past few weeks have been unfortunately busy. I’m trying to cut down on my adverbs, by the way. I couldn’t even make past the first sentence. Dammit.

Anyhow, my best friend’s father passed away and I traveled back to Peoria to attend to the services. I also was in a bad car crash (thankfully nobody was injured). Since then I’ve purchased a new car. Oh, and I went down to Dallas to visit my aging grandmother this past weekend. READ MORE

Last Night I Totaled The Free Car That Was Given To Me By My Folks

I found this in the street and kept it. I had to.

The same thing happened when I was sixteen.

My dad handed down his Merkur XR4Ti (yes, it had a double spoiler), and the day after I earned my license I smashed into the back of a Cadillac. It was piloted by an elderly couple on their way from Florida to Chicago to see their only granddaughter’s high school graduation. They yelled at me, but good. Old people suck. READ MORE

My First Bidet – #LetsTalkBums

Cottonelle asked me to write about my first bidet experience – I told them to screw off because D.J. only does bidet humor on video!

Seriously, and they’re not paying me to say this (well, they are sponsoring the blog, but did not specifically ask me to say this), Cottonelle has the best damned toilet paper in these United States. And their adult wipes are important to my overall well-being. I’m hooked. READ MORE

I Got Booted Out of a Men’s Support Group

Oh wait, this is a tech support group. Ignore.

You’re not supposed to get kicked out of a support group.

I mean, if you’re a total dick and making fun of a person’s problems or you start telling everyone’s secrets on your personal humor blog (see what I did there?), then I can understand it. But I got booted for not showing up. READ MORE

I’m Pretty Sure This is Sacrilegious

At the bottom it says, "You can run, but you can't hide"

I was on a date this Saturday and we visited a craft fair.

Now, normally I can only be found at fairs that start with the word Renaissance and spell fair with an “e” . Before you judge, I’d like to reiterate that I do NOT, under any circumstance, dress up as a knight or knave . Even though that would be awesome, I simply don’t have the courage. It’s a whole other level of commitment I can’t seem to summon. READ MORE