I’ve Never Written a Song – A Confession

drake
"Like a woman on her cycle, D.J. got mad flow"

I’ve been playing guitar for over twenty-five years and have never written a complete song.

Not for lack of trying. I bet I’ve put more than a thousand hours into jamming with myself with the sole intention of writing an actual piece of music with a beginning, middle, and end. It just hasn’t happened. I come up with plenty of riffs, choruses, bridges and outtros – I have dozens (if not hundreds) of these clips recorded and saved onto my computer. You could probably cobble many of them together to compose a decent tune. I just can’t seem to do it myself.

I’m resigning myself to a truth that’s spent over two decades in denial. I’m never going to write a complete song.

Yes, it’s defeatist. Yes, I understand that thinking positively and creating the vision and meditating on it and asking the universe and all that stuff may help. Or maybe not. Probably not.

If I get quiet and honest, this truth surfaces. I’m just not built to do something that I’ve devoted a good chunk of my life working on.

Guitar was not simply a hobby for me. It’s been an obsession. While I didn’t have girlfriends or the most active social life in high school, I could always count on music to be my companion. After the first few years of struggling to play anything resembling an actual composition, I knew I would be playing the rest of my life. And I have been.

What prompted this post was that in the past hour I tried, one again in vain, to write a complete melody. As always, I got about 60% of the way there. The frustration mounted and I had to put the guitar down.

I checked in with my feelings and I asked, “Do I really want to write music?” No answer. I asked again. Nothing.

Then, I started to chuckle as it occurred to me – I’m just not a songwriter. I never have been. I always thought I was supposed to be and it’s the reason I picked up the guitar in the first place. I wanted to write blazing solos like Joe Satriani or sing about the gritty streets like Mike Ness.

When I fantasized about playing in front of an audience, I saw myself as those guys tearing it up on stage. I wanted so badly to be them.

It’s a subtle self-shaming – somehow, me being D.J. isn’t good enough. I needed to write and play like my heroes.

So, I’m putting the guitar away for awhile. I still love the energy and emotion I can draw out of the instrument, but it’s not my calling. I’m never going to progress past my current level. And, when I look inward, I don’t think I’m supposed to.

What am I here to do creatively? The reality is I don’t know. Maybe it’s just to keep writing this blog. Or a book. Maybe put together a few minutes of material and try stand-up. Or write a one-man show.

Or perhaps it’s something else entirely that I haven’t yet discovered.

What I know is that giving up the dream of songwriting actually feels as if a weight had been lifted (please forgive this cliche). It’s a truth I avoided and the constant disappointment was heavy.

Maybe I should devote my life to constructing hardcore rap lyrics and selling them to hip-hop artists. I bet Drake never thought of rhyming “Cadillac” with “fat nut sack.” That’ll be $100, please.

drake
Like a woman on her cycle, D.J. got mad flow!

11 thoughts on “I’ve Never Written a Song – A Confession”

  1. Lee says:

    I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been a musician all my life. He’ll, I even have a degree in the subject, but I’ve never written a song. I’ve played in bands and all different styles on all kinds of instruments, but its always someone else’s composition. I still think that maybe some day I will, or maybe I won’t, but I’ll always be a musician. That is just a part of me.

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      Hi Lee,

      Yeah, I’ve just accepted that it’s probably not in the cards for me. No big deal. I can keep this blog going, and that’s plenty.

  2. t says:

    I have thought about writing a song. I like to write poetry so it wouldn’t be a stretch to write the lyrics. My older brother would have to write the tune. I wouldn’t be able to do that part. I wouldn’t know where to begin. He can play guitar like nobody i know. Well nobody that I know personally at least.

    As far as not finding your calling yet I haven’t either. I have come to the realization in the last few years since I became a mother that my one true talent in this world is that I don’t have one true talent. I am not exceptionally great at anything. I am decently good at a wide range of things. It is my wide range of interests and talents that is my true talent.

  3. Linda Roy says:

    I bet if you use that ‘ole DJ Paris determination, you could write that song. But if you don’t, I’m just letting you know that I’m gonna go ahead and use “fat nut sack” in my next song. I’ve been looking for something that rhymes with Cadillac.

  4. Morava says:

    Writing music is hard. Lyrics I can do but once I try and add music it sound hokey. I finally got a chance to check out your blog! Yay! I look forward to more post.

  5. Melissa Weber says:

    Very few individuals write songs – everyone has help! That’s what the band is for……

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      Exactly. It’s THEIR fault! I knew I could blame someone other than me.

  6. Lynne Logan says:

    Ya know, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you haven’t been able to do something that you want so desperately. My husband is a musician. My brother was a musician (also a bass player) for a decade at least and never once actually wrote a song, despite the fact that he made a living as a musician for at least 5 years. So, you know, maybe being a studio musician or something could be a possibility for you since writing your own material has been so difficult.

    My ex-husband played lead guitar in a blues band in NYC for 8 years before he gave it up. He wrote lots of songs, problem was they ALL SUCKED. And, thank God, he never tried to sing.

    Point is, I totally GET the fever to be a rock star. However, if you never complete writing an entire song, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure as a musician or an artist. Maybe, you’re supposed to do something else related to music or another creative art.

    Have you ever tried writing lyrics? Music publishing houses are ALWAYS looking for writers. After all, most big stars with the pipes/talent to make it as a vocalist can’t always write. Look at Whitney Houston. Whether you’re an R & B fan or not, the girl could sing, but I don’t think she ever wrote any of her own songs. If so, she didn’t write nearly as many as were written for her – like her biggest hit – I’ll Always Love You (I think that’s the name) was written by Dolly Parton.

    But if you look at the credits on any given CD of any rock star (or even country music singer or R & B), frequently the words were written by someone else.

    I’ve had publishing houses contact me before asking me to send them some of my poems. And they’re so desperate, one of them got my name from a magazine that published one of my poems 17 years ago!!! Um, yeah…when I was in college. I was paid $10 for that poem, LOL, and it’s not all that great.

    Anywho…what the hell, right? Do a Google search for music publishing, see what pops up…or not…just an idea. I think it would be really rewarding to hear some famous musician/vocalist whatever belting out MY POETRY/LYRICS…I just never seem to have the time to dig up my crap and send it to them…terrible, huh?

    Either way, there are a lot of jobs in the music industry other than writing songs (as in melodies). Do some digging. Maybe, one of those will interest you like being a music director on a TV show or for a film – as in the person who chooses the music for a TV show or a movie…yes, those jobs might be difficult to get – but maybe not as difficult as creating a melody from scratch…:)

    All the best,
    LL

  7. VickiLugo says:

    Just made me laugh again 🙂 the music yea.. But have you ever just read/talked lyrics with no rythm or music. I never talk that stupid..
    When you walk on by la la la…
    La la la la la la la la when you call my name..

    Probably be fun! Lol

    1. D.J. Paris says:

      Nice current song reference there. Ha!

  8. Eleanorjane says:

    I’d say writing a song is piss-easy, but writing a half-decent song is HARD! If you’ve got all those bits and pieces, you could put them in the same key and shoe-horn them together and say it’s a song. And who knows, it might be cool?

    But I get the sense that you’re self-censoring so hard you can’t complete a crap song, then another one then some okay ones until you get to some decent ones. I wonder if you’re comparing your efforts with your heroes and choking before you finish? Just a theory. Ignore if irrelevant.

    Also, there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with performing other people’s material. Classical musicians generally do nothing but dead white guy’s songs.

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