I’m Pretty Sure This is Sacrilegious

jesus people running away
At the bottom it says, "You can run, but you can't hide"

I was on a date this Saturday and we visited a craft fair.

Now, normally I can only be found at fairs that start with the word Renaissance and spell fair with an “e” . Before you judge, I’d like to reiterate that I do NOT, under any circumstance, dress up as a knight or knave . Even though that would be awesome, I simply don’t have the courage. It’s a whole other level of commitment I can’t seem to summon.

Earlier in the date my date had taken me to a photography exhibit for her friend and dropped a king’s ransom on an original black and white. This was the first big art purchase since moving into her townhome. She was pumped. Also, woozy from the money she just dropped. But we were both jazzed about the idea of picking up some additional art for her place at this craft fair.

I also wanted to buy something for my condo. I figured I would identify a fun piece to put up on a wall.

The challenge is that at an art/craft fair, I have to find something I can’t live without. It must speak to me and whisper in a low and sultry timbre. Calling to me like a siren and all that sexy shit.

Or it must make me laugh. Hard.

Well, I stumbled across this mobile art booth and I saw IT. This one didn’t speak to me like an adult film actress on quaaludes. No, it shouted from the mountaintops, “I declare myself the most amazing piece of art EVER!”

jesus people running away
At the bottom it says, “You can run, but you can’t hide”

Now, mind you, I already own the most amazing piece of art ever. It’s hanging in my bathroom. But this one is a close second.

Before you get all offended and put-out, let me qualify this purchase. First, I dig Jesus. I was raised Christian and it’s just fine by me. I don’t hit church up except for Christmas, but that’s because I’m lazy and like to watch Meet the Press. Also, the ten commandments are a pretty decent list of dos and don’ts. I don’t know what they were thinking with the covet ones, but whatever. Nobody’s perfect. Oh wait, Jesus is.

Anyhow, the idea of Jesus terrorizing people is kind of funny. I mean, it’s just a great use of juxtaposition. Perfect use, actually.

It’s like calling a fat guy “Slim” – it’s just funny.

Clearly I doubt Jesus would return to earth as a forty-foot incarnation and scare the bejeezus (see what I did there?) out of everyone. That’s the joke. And it’s a good one.

Except… well…

I have this thing where I never want to offend anyone. If I put this up in my second bathroom and invite over a bunch of fundamentalist bible types, this may upset them. They probably won’t get the joke. Of course, I don’t know any people like this, nor would I have them over for finger foods even if I did have them in my Rolodex. I’m probably overthinking the whole “offending people” thing.

So, I’m trying to figure out where this piece of beauty goes in the house. I’ll probably settle for the guest bedroom. Above the bed would be a funny place to hang it.

By the way, out of the hundred or so pieces in this kiosk (many had Jesus riding dinosaurs for some odd reason), the woman said this was their best selling item.

I’ll be a little embarrassed to take it to Jo-Ann Fabrics to get it framed, sure. I’ll feel the need to explain the joke to the person working in custom framing. Then I’ll present him with the coupon for 50% off. Victory!

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