thoughts

Allison and D.J. Need Your Stupid Problems About the Holidays

"Guru" Allison pondering the nature of the universe after three days of not washing her hair.
Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About The Holidays

Let’s face it – everyone’s family is nuts.

Yes, even yours. And I don’t mean your twice-removed aunt that shows up on Christmas Eve clearly off her meds. Even the “normal” members of your family are crazy. How could they not be? There’s decades of dysfunctional family history stored in everyone’s hippocampus. Quite frankly I’m impressed you turned out as well as you did. Let’s face it – you’re a survivor. And then every December you voluntarily go back into that den of insanity! After what they did to you! I wish I was half the man/woman you are. To go back and face your antagonists, wow. Just wow. I moved the laptop to the top shelf of my bookcase – right this second – because I needed both hands free. Yes, I’m clapping for you. That’s what you do for heroes. You clap. READ MORE

Introducing TreeBaseSack™ – The Runaway Hit Tree-Skirt of Next Christmas

ozzy osbourne

I just put my new fake tree together.

By accident I had left my old fake tree at the ex-girlfriend’s place. It was a cool fake Christmas tree, too. Tall, but thin. It had style. But when a relationship ends, sometimes it makes sense to just buy a new fake tree. So I did. I decided to go tall and thin again. A sign of respect to the previous tree that was likely covered with dust in her storage unit. The new tree arrived and I assembled it.  The ornaments and lights and even that thing at the top. Treetop hat or whatever. Then I realized I didn’t have a tree-skirt. I must have left that with the tree at her place. I shook my angry fist toward the heavens, but then purchased a swath of canvas online a few minutes later. I had an idea. A great idea? Yeah, actually it was. READ MORE

Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About Social Media

allison and dj fix your stupid problems about social media

Nobody is neutral about social media. All of us fall into one of three categories.

  • I should do less social media
  • I should do more social media
  • I’m not on social media

I think we can all agree that the I’m-not-on-social-media-guy is a little too proud to tell everyone that he’s not on social media. My guess is that he doesn’t have any friends and this is an overcompensation for only getting one “Happy birthday!” message on Facebook in 2013. In high school I used to say, “The prom is stupid. I’m not into it!” Which really meant, “No girl will go with me and on the night of the big dance I’m going to play guitar in the basement and cry.” This month Allison Arnone and I speak directly to the social media user and answer their questions directly about how to do more or less of it, but also how to do more or less of it better. Let’s go. READ MORE

Allison and D.J. Need Your Stupid Questions About Social Media

allison and dj fix your stupid problems about social media

I just blocked someone on social media.

This person owed me money. Quite a bit of money. Since I assume nobody is out to screw me over, I gave them a wide berth in paying it back. After months of hearing nothing, I reached out just to get an update. Their response when I politely asked on the status of the repayment was, “I agreed to that in a moment of vulnerability. I shouldn’t have. You’ll get it when I have it – no idea when that will be.” I stared at the computer screen in shock. This was a financial arrangement we had both decided was fair. The funny part was that I had never asked this person for repayment in the first place. They came to me knowing they owed me money and worked out a structure. Then, didn’t honor it. Before I could respond with a, “This has to be a joke, right?” she wrote, “Oh, and have fun on all those vacations you’re going on – you obviously don’t need the money.” READ MORE

Vote Kim Kardashian for President in 2036

Signing her first bill into office requiring women to wear false eyelashes at all times.

I almost met Paris Hilton once.

About fifteen years ago I was working as a marketer for a beer company. I toured around the country working with local distributors to set up and run events. I can’t remember exactly where we were (probably Los Angeles), but there was a rumor that Paris Hilton was going to come to this party we were attending. This was very exciting to me. I came up with a bit that I thought was amusing. I’d introduce myself as D.J. Paris and then say, “We should get married because then you’d be Paris Paris!” She’d laugh and we’d snap a picture. I’d pose on bended knee sliding a Ring Pop on her finger. The whole interaction would be less than a minute, but I’d be able to tell that story the rest of my life. Unfortunately she didn’t make it to the party that evening. I remember being pretty depressed. READ MORE

Allison and D.J. Fix Your Stupid Problems About Parents

allison-and-dj-solve-your-stupid-problems-about-parents

Allison Arnone just celebrated a birthday. While a gentleman never reveals a woman’s age, let’s just say this wasn’t the big 2-1. Personally I find that women improve with age (trying to maintain a straight face while typing) and Allison is no different. I would argue she’s become a more beautiful person as she’s progressed. Believe me, she was a real mess just a few years prior. Either way, like a dutiful partner, I’m in for the long haul. Or until she stop returning my calls. This month you wrote in your issues regarding parents doing bad parent stuff. We meditated on these quandaries, and our thoughtful responses are about to be laid as your bequest. Our gifts to you. READ MORE

Allison and D.J. Need Your Stupid Questions About Parents

allison-and-dj-solve-your-stupid-problems-about-parents

Are your parents the reason you’re so screwy? You’d better believe it.

The author Robert Bly wrote something close to (I’m too lazy to look up the quote), “The question isn’t – Will we wound our children? The question is – How deep will the wound be?” In other words, the fact that you sleep until noon and fire bongloads all day watching COPS reruns might be related to the fact that your dad was a police officer who worked overtime and spent more time with perps than he did you. Or not. It could just be that you have a nasty pot addiction. And let’s face it, COPS is compelling television. They should change the name of the show to FLORIDA, but I’m getting off topic. READ MORE

What I Learned From Bill Flynn

bill flynn

A friend of mine passed away last month.

And while there’s plenty of humor about dying and being dead, I thought I’d take a short stab at writing something less sophomoric that my usual nonsense. Not a full seven-inches-in-stab, like the murderer in the song Blood on the Dance Floor. Michael Jackson wrote some dark lyrics. But boy could he move like the wind. Anyway, I’m drifting. Back to the topic at hand – my friend’s death. READ MORE