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If I Don’t Exercise I’m Nuts

This guy has not been laid since the millennium.

The longer, more accurate title would be “If I Don’t Excercise, I Turn Into a Raging Asshole Nobody Appreciates.”

I am cursed.  Cursed I tell ye!

Well, not really.  But I do have this weird body thing.  I’m wired up to always have extreme energy.  I tap my foot constantly, talk fast, and generally act like a spaz.  Call it ADD or whatever.  The bummer is that I can’t take traditional meds for this because my body is also wired for addiction.  Taking amphetamines isn’t a good idea.  Same reason why I can’t drink, use drugs, or do caffeine.  I kind of love it too much. READ MORE

Boats and Muppets

I know this is supposed to be Miss Piggy, but there is something unholy and terrifying about it. Please look away. Right now.

Today I went on a boat that didn’t go anywhere and didn’t go on a boat that did go somewhere.

My day was really supposed to be different.  I had plans to visit a friend of mine who was donating some pretty amazing bike tires to me and going to help install them.  Even though I log more than 100 miles a week I couldn’t tell you the names of most of the parts of my bike.  I’m embarrassed to say, but it’s true, that I just learned there was a “tube” inside the tire about a year ago.  I’ve been riding for four years.  Obviously I have the capability to learn this stuff, but it just doesn’t come naturally. READ MORE

My Heroes

Yes, I'm already crying.

I have always had heroes.

On my way into work when I’m not listening to a podcast or one of my old Weird Al albums, I get quiet and think.  About myself.  Within a minute or two I start interviewing myself as if I were a guest on some important television program, answering questions about my life.  I’ve written about this before, and while it seems like narcissism I actually think it’s about me getting to know myself a little better. READ MORE

Pets Die

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My girlfriend’s cat is dying.

The vet has given her three months.  They found a bunch of tumors in Muchie’s abdomen and think that this is a terminal situation.  She also has had diabetes for years.  When Jessica visited me for three weeks this summer she drove up from Atlanta with both her cat and dog.  She couldn’t leave the cat by herself because sometimes she doesn’t drink enough water and needs fluids.  Plus, you have to test her blood sugar and all of that. READ MORE

I Drank a Non-Diet Drink

Yes, that is my crotch.

I am so incredibly exhausted right now – I will attempt to make it through this post without taking a nose-dive into the keyboard.  By the way, wouldn’t it be awesome that, in my unconsiousness, my true self took over and started typing with my nose? READ MORE

I Left Doody! – A Confession

Knock it off, Dan. We know you made that yourself. Please move out of your mom's basement. The costume, Dan. You're 38.

I made a mistake at work last night.

Being the last one to leave, I was responsible for turning off the lights, setting the air conditioner, locking up, etc.  This happens quite a bit – no big deal.  Takes all of thirty seconds.

This morning I came in and one of my coworkers asked if I was the last one to leave.  I said yes.  He asked if I noticed that somebody didn’t flush the toilet last night.  I had just been in the bathroom moments before and noticed that there was a little toilet paper in the bowl – someone forgot to flush.  I reached over and flushed it.  No big deal. READ MORE

Some Skag Threw A Penny At Me!

I don't look this cool on my bicycle, nor with my shirt off.

Every other Monday after work I got to a men’s group where we talk about our lives, feelings, dealing with stuff, etc.  Sounds girly?  Nah.  We do hug each other hello, though.  Then we push the other guy away and yell a homophobic slur. READ MORE

Sometimes People On The Internet Are Real!

Lil' Miss Meepers, Gwen, Lola, D.J., and D.J.'s chest sweat. (Hey, I biked 8 miles to get here with the goddamned dog on my back!)

I had the pleasure today of meeting one of my favorite bloggers and reader of mine, Gwen Hartley.  She has a fantastic website  TheHartleyHooligans  which chronicles her life as a mother and wife.  It is both funny and touching.

She has been a supporter of my writing and over the past year we’ve developed an online friendship.  In a weird coincidence, one of my other readers who I’m close with, Mary, is good friends with Gwen’s best friend.  Anyway, Gwen and her husband Scott live outside Wichita, which I have been told is in Kansas. READ MORE

Blog From the Bathtub

I didn't realize that rose petals and horchata made for great bathing substrate. Going on my to-do list.

Months ago I did a  vlog from the bathtub. It was pretty gross.

That was the last time I took a bath. Well, it’s Saturday night and my dance card is empty, so it’s time for a soak. …In a porcelain tub with a glass of water.  And a cat walking around.  And a dog hiding because she thinks I’m going to pull her in (which I totally do, it’s how she gets bathed). READ MORE