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Tony Robbins + D.J. Paris = Well, Something

Today I’m heading to Tony Robbins conference.

With no hyperbole, this seminar is fifty-five hours. In four days. Here’s the breakdown.

  • Thursday: 1:00 p.m. – midnight
  • Friday: 8:30 a.m. – midnight
  • Saturday: 8:30 a.m. – 1 a.m.+
  • Sunday: 9:00 a.m. – 7:00 p.m.

You really have to commit to this bad boy. My boss was generous enough to pay for my admission and I’m pretty excited. I know a lot of people goof on Tony, but I’ve been a big fan since I was nineteen. I’ve read his books, listened to virtually every audio program, and now, finally attending a presentation. READ MORE

Ye Olde Renaissance Faire

Today marked the thirteenth straight year I visited the Renaissance Faire in Chicago.

Well, it’s not exactly in Chicago – about an hour away just north of the Wisconsin border. It’s a long drive for a festival and I make it every summer. While there are street fairs and events that happen every weekend here in the city, I get most excited about the Ren Faire. Why? I really don’t know. I’m not someone that speaks in olde English nor do I play fantasy role playing games. I don’t own a sword, dagger, or scabbard. I don’t think to shout, “Huzzah” whenever someone wins my favor, and I don’t refer to the bathroom as a privy. So, what is so great about the Faire? I’ve thought about why I come back every year, and have found a number of reasons… READ MORE

Which Verified Accounts Follow Me On Twitter?

Notice how I snuck in that she follows me? I love name droppin'!

Sometimes I get bored.

Sometimes I get bored and I need validation.

About a year ago I found out that Larry the Cable Guy and Fran Drescher follow me on Twitter. Impressed? Don’t be. I’m sure it was an error on their respective ends. Larry follows over 1k people and Fran follows 22k. I have never been tweeted or direct messaged by them or received any indication that they like my fart jokes. In fact they probably don’t even do their own tweeting – maybe one of their publicists likes my stuff. Or it’s just random whatever. READ MORE

Puns are Funs

3 people retweeted, and 9 followers "favorited" this. I'm proud.

When I’m on vacation with my family my immaturity reaches an all time high.

I revert back into childhood and jokewriting becomes a way to see how many puns I can funnel into a benign conversation. Because puns elicit groans (most of the time) I work on my delivery to try to sneak them into regular chit chat. It’s a little game I play with myself. READ MORE

Writer’s Block – I Wrote What You Told Me Part I

Ironically, this one made it.

From time to time I get writer’s block and take to Twitter and Facebook for ideas. Here they are…

Let’s talk about window blinds – first of all, totally not necessary. We’re not vampires. You should be able to handle a little light peeking in from the sun at 6am. I sleep right through it like a man. Next – privacy. If you aren’t comfortable with the outside world seeing your bedroom antics, you’re probably doing something illegal. Take down the sex swing. I have blinds on all my windows and have never once used them. In fact even when I’m nude I don’t. I’m comfortable with my imperfect and, at times, unsightly body. READ MORE

I Came Home For My Father’s Birthday and It’s All His Fault

My father is turning sixty-six tomorrow.

Yesterday he did the cutest thing. He called me to tell me he just ordered the Samsung Note 2 – the exact same phone I have. I had been talking up how great it is a few weeks back and he must have been listening. This is interesting because my father is not very technologically savvy. He’s no Luddite, but not exactly writing php in his spare time. He’s a dad. You know – types with two fingers, still doesn’t understand that Internet Explorer isn’t the internet. Heck – still uses Internet Explorer. READ MORE

I Got Stood Up For a Date But Still Got to Eat BBQ

I just gotta be me!

Well, not technically “stood up.”

I wasn’t that sad sack sitting at a table for two watching a candle melt down and consistently asking for water refills waiting for my date not to arrive.

In the afternoon my date sent me a text message, “Something came up – can’t make it tonight. So sorry.” I replied with, “No problem. If you want to reschedule, let me know.” She wrote back, “Of course!” READ MORE

I Just Turned 37

I have never, nor will I, own a locket.

I turned thirty-seven yesterday.

Here’s a few thoughts I had on the bike ride home from work, reflecting on my life…

I found a great expression to get you out of most any trouble. This is especially useful at work. Next time you screw something up and you’re called to the carpet, simply respond with, “It was my understanding that…” You can then follow those words with any string of nonsense you choose. Nobody will call you out on your understanding. I notice politicians do this every week on  Meet the Press. “Boss, it was my understanding that banging the interns was encouraged. Did I have that wrong?” See? You can’t punish a guy when he talks with that verbal jujitsu. Now, thank me, and let’s move on. READ MORE