I Used to Be Number One on Google for “Funny Blogs”

by D.J. Paris on April 17, 2013

Now I’m just #1 on Google for “dick stories.”

My blog certainly isn’t the most hilarious on the web (well, nobody tells a story about seeing my dad’s penis like me), but it’s decently funny. Sure I use too many adverbs, but, you know what? I goddamn well like adverbs. It’s me and since I don’t know how to write with better grammatical sense, I let it slide. A big-deal professor recently told me I write well. So there, inner critic D.J.!

Sometimes I get squishy and talk about feelings and other non-funny topics. Once I even mentioned I cry during Extreme Home Makeover.

Who pays the taxes on those houses? I’m assuming the family previously living with toxic mold in the baby’s crib-room isn’t going to be able to shell out 15k annually for an new eight bedroom, six bath palatial mansion Ty and co. raised in three days.

Ty Pennington

I saw this bonus episode where he made the husband and wife an “adult love dungeon” as his secret project. It had the swing and everything.

So, while I’m not topping the charts of Google for anything boast-worthy these days, I’m having a hell of a lot of fun.

Just yesterday I launched a new videocast with my pal Karen called oSex. It stands for “Opposite Sex” and we provide love and relationship advice to readers. I also have my weekly interview series Bloggers are Weird where I talk to other writers and they read their crap live. I published a book last month of my best material that people actually bought. I crossed 50k Twitter followers two weeks back.

While this may sound like bragging, I assure you it isn’t. I am surprised to witness all of that has happened. The magician who pulls a rabbit out of his hat and is entertained as much as the audience. That’s me.

This all started because a woman at a party told me her dream was to quit being a partner at a prestigious law firm and become an archaeologist. When I saw her eyes light up as she explained that she was more passionate about Italian ruins than anything else I knew I had to do something with my creativity. So I tried my hand at writing.

Since then things have unfolded. I make a little bit of money each month from the site. No, nothing has gone viral. No major accolades or awards. But I get to be myself. Another website pays me to write for them every other week. I’m on the board of a non-profit site devoted to raising awareness of mental health issues. I get a few nice emails every week from readers.

All of this exists today as a result of me exploring passion.

And yes, I still have massive issues in my life. I fall in love with women who don’t want me. I give my self-esteem away because I can’t give it to myself. I need constant validation that I’m okay from people in my life. Just last night I hurt a great friendship by acting inappropriately. I have challenges and often not the resources to cope. I’m unfixed.

Life ebbs and flows whether I want it to or not. I can’t do much in the way of controlling circumstances. It’s the greatest joke played on me – that I have influence. I really don’t. But what I can do is put my head down and keep going. Pick up the keyboard, sit down, and get to work. Tell the truth. Be funny. Share what’s hard.

Thank you for reading, commenting, sharing, and supporting. While I struggle nothing helps me like a funny or thoughtful sentence from you.

And just to prove to you I haven’t lost the previously earned #1 spot on Google for “funny blogs” I’ll be relaying tomorrow a story where I insulted a sex worker by accident and she shamed the shit out of me. It’s pretty great.

Share My Awesomeness!
Weekly Best-Of D.J.!

10 comments… read them below or add one

Gwynne Montgomery April 17, 2013 at 8:32 pm

Seems to me like being #1 for “dick stories” on Google would be a pretty fantastic thing!

And we’re all a mess. Even the person who looks perfect is a mess. Believe me, I am.

Can’t wait to read the story about how you got shamed by a sex worker :)

Reply

Ms. Cheevious April 17, 2013 at 8:43 pm

I had NO idea.

Reply

Andrea April 17, 2013 at 8:44 pm

Awww, you’re human. And not afraid to be. That’s why we all love you. :)

Plus dick stories are widely appreciated.

Reply

Tricia April 17, 2013 at 9:04 pm

Oh DJ. I found the envelope that contained the Christmas card that you sent me last year (4 months ago). I am still wondering how I was supposed to send one back to you, as it did not have a return address.
For my part, I have not kept up on the reader end of the writer/reader agreement that we had. I’ll try again.
For your part, this is a great post. You are doing what EVERY ONE OF US SHOULD DO. And it’s never too late.

Reply

Rachel April 18, 2013 at 11:21 am

“I’m unfixed”. Aren’t we all?

That’s why I read your blog. Great minds think alike and all that…

Reply

Vicki Hughes April 19, 2013 at 5:36 pm

:-) being real is what makes your writing worth reading.

Reply

cmonster the zombie April 21, 2013 at 9:23 am

I don’t often comment, but this blog entry compelled me.

The lawyer dreaming to be an archaeologist? Oh dear God, I fell in love without seeing her or knowing anything else about her. That dream was enough. May she have that dream realized soon.

Same problem here with the women who don’t want me (plus I attract “strays” according to my family), nobody deserves your self-esteem except you, you are really OK no matter what you think…like other commenters have said, you are not alone with how you feel about yourself. We’re all broken, beat up, used, abused, and defective…and the right people will STILL love us no matter what. If the friend you hurt is a true friend, they will understand and forgive you (but still…make an effort to right the wrong from acting inappropriately.), and don’t fret about being “unfixed”. Anybody telling you they have their act together is lying to you and themselves.

The majority of your commenters seem to be female, sensible, VERY attractive, and honestly like what you write about. I can’t think of a better compliment from the Internet. I’d call you a very fortunate and blessed guy to have so many beautiful and real women that care enough to comment positively on what you write about. Few men have that gift so freely given by your female fans and followers. Appreciate them and thank them!

You seem like a good guy and have it together better than you think. Don’t be hard on yourself and think you need others to validate you. Be aware and thankful for the many good things in life, and don’t sweat the small stuff because…you know the rest…it’s ALL small stuff.

Carry on, good sir! You are doing just fine!

Reply

Sugar Jones April 22, 2013 at 10:31 pm

I completely get this. Except the 50k followers. But yeah…

Reply

Kate Hall April 23, 2013 at 8:33 pm

Always appreciate your honesty, D.J.

Reply

Randy Smith October 10, 2013 at 6:59 pm

If it makes you feel any better, I was ranking in the top 10 or 20 for that exact term until sometime last week. Then I plummeted. I changed nothing, so Google must have changed it’s mind about something.

The part that should help you feel better is that you are ranking above me, (found you there actually) and it isn’t only because of my drop. Maybe Google will change it’s mind again and put you back in the top 10.

Now, the pages that are ranking have things like a date from over a year ago, many of them are just blog lists, and clearly are less deserving than your site (or mine– I hope). So who knows? Maybe Google lost control of the algorithm, and are just bluffing their way through.

I would say Google changes its mind more often than any woman I’ve ever met, but the comparison is insulting to even the most indecisive women.

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: