My friend received a crazy note on her car yesterday.
She had not done the best parking job. She works in a high rise building in the downtown area of Chicago. The garage where she parks is only ever around half full. She woke up late and was hustling to work. By the time she made it to the parking garage she was flustered. She parked the car in a half-assed manner and ran to the elevator. Because of all the empty space she didn’t think twice about it.
Well, not technically “stood up.”
I wasn’t that sad sack sitting at a table for two watching a candle melt down and consistently asking for water refills waiting for my date not to arrive.
In the afternoon my date sent me a text message, “Something came up – can’t make it tonight. So sorry.” I replied with, “No problem. If you want to reschedule, let me know.” She wrote back, “Of course!”
I’m two days caffeine sober.
I had to do it.
The past four years I hadn’t touched any caffeine. Well, let me back up. Basically I didn’t drink any caffeine until I was thirty-one years old. Then I discovered energy drinks and the amazing high you get from them. Since I don’t drink or use drugs the highs I experience are limited. I can’t butt bong a beer, huff hobby glue, or pack bong loads. I can eat too much pizza and drink caffeine. That’s it for me.
No, I’m not turning into a filthy hipster. There is no facial hair growth on my chin. I haven’t begun experimenting with the vegan lifestyle.
You ever notice how guys that are vegan are total weirdos? You can be a chick and be all the vegetarian you want, but a guy who only eats wheat grass is a bonafide freak. Why is that?
As many of you know I don’t drink, smoke, or use drugs.
About three years ago I even gave up caffeine. While never a coffee or soda drinker (we grew up saying “soft drinks” because “soda” was too low-class), I got hooked on energy drinks. I was engaged at the time and my fiance thought it was cute that I had this one vice. Harmless, right?
What is it about grandmas traveling together at the airport that is both amusing and touching?
I was thinking about this today as I sat in my terminal watching a group of silverbacks congregate around a garbage can. There were five of them and they appeared to be going on a vacation that required a tremendous amount of paperwork. I know old people aren’t great with technology, but my god the paperwork they were carting around was impressive. Don’t they know you’re not supposed to be that organized to go out to Palm Springs? Not trying to be ageist but I highly doubt they were going to do a fly-over in India and pick up a Sherpa before scaling the Himalayas. Drop the paperwork. Just print out your boarding pass like a normal person. Nothing more is required. You don’t need to have the Tony Orlando buffet dinner tickets for Tuesday night poking out of a manila folder in the airport.
One of the most difficult transitions I’ve made since the divorce is the realization that I had been using my wife as a notepad for the past five years.
When I hit junior high, I knew I had a to-do list problem. I simply didn’t keep one. That’s the age where I needed to start writing things down and planning appropriately. As a verified ADDer my memory sucks. I don’t mean in the same way everyone thinks their memory sucks. I’ve had a least a dozen people tell me my memory is the worst they’ve experienced. I wish I could over-exaggerate this fact, but it would not be easy.
I’m a little worried these days.
This is going to sound like an insanely stupid problem, but here goes. I’ve been biking to work every day for over six months. Here in Chicago it’s getting close to hanging up the bike shorts (I have never worn bike shorts) for the season. Winter is coming.
I'll never give this child another cigarette, pinky swears!
