My Old App Developer Sucks Little Monkey Balls

by D.J. Paris on January 6, 2014

I’ll get to the developer in a moment.

I’ve never had huge aspirations for this blog. I still don’t. Here at the blog conference in Las Vegas there are a lot of speakers that talk about monetizing your readers and how to make a career out of your passion. I’ve been around long enough to know that can be a very difficult goal to attain. It’s not my goal.

I’m lucky that I have a day job, and I’m happy. I work with one of my favorite people (boss) and he allows me to bring my dog to work.

This has and will continue to be a place where I write about whatever nonsense flows into my head. Sometimes the content is decent, other times it sucks. Thankfully, most of you forgive the bad days. I try to do three things in each post – be vulnerable, honest, and funny. These are my blogging values and most of the time I achieve ‘em.

At this conference there’s a similar thread woven into most every speaker’s presentation. Engagement.

I judge myself as having done only a mediocre job of this over the years. I can be selfish. There are people that write comments who are bloggers that I’ve never read. Those who tweet out posts of mine that I don’t thank. Comments that go unanswered. Emails I receive and never write back.

This is not how to build a strong community.

I’m not entirely selfish. I addressed dozens of holiday cards this year and then accidentally threw them away. I’ll do this card exchange again next year, as I know some of you get a real kick out of it. I still have the cards you sent me over the years. Also, I’ve done well at replying to most every blog comment I’ve received over the past six months.

I realized today that you weren’t getting email notifications on replies I made to your comments. I always wondered why virtually none of you ever replied to my reply. I have replied to thousands of comments over the years. You never saw them, most likely.

So, a few things have changed.

First, you will receive email notifications if anyone (including me) responds to a comment you make on a post.

Second, each time you post a comment a link will show up underneath with your most recent blog post (if you’re a blogger). This way more of you will find each other’s work.

Third, I’m going to do a better job replying to tweets, Facebook comments, and emails. I have always read each one, and I can’t comment on everything, but I’ll be more active.

I’m not down on myself, but there is room for improvement. Your readership means a great deal to me.

Oh, and get this – I’m currently fighting with my dickhead app developer. The current one I have is awesome, but the old one f’d me. He lost a file which makes it impossible to update the Android app. I’ll have to delete the current app from Google Play. Then you’ll delete it from your Android phone and reinstall the new one. What a pain in the dork.

I haven’t found the words to convey how angry I am. If I had more airlines miles I’d fly to China and put a chopstick through this jerk’s appendix. Apple users, you’re okay, and a new version of my app will be available in a few weeks.

I’ll ask that you collectively pray to your higher power that someone hurts him deeply – like a stranger who points at his shoes and laughs at them for being out of style. Some people are sensitive to that stuff.

ugly shoes

In my mind this is what he wears.


In this video sponsored by Cottonelle I talk about two, count ‘em, embarrassing things I do in the bathroom. Watch it and get embarrassed for me.

If you don’t see the video below, click here to view!


Holy jumping Jesusfish! It’s been over four months since I let you promote your crappy blog on my crappy blog!

And it’s time, like that ridiculous phoenix everyone talks about metaphorically (but nobody actually knows the story) and rise from the ashes.

Today, and for the next twenty-four hours, you get to pimp out your blog in the comment section of my blog. Get some new followers! Increase your internet exposure. Make friends with other bloggers!

Wait… not so fast, Turbo.

You gotta earn the free plug.

In the past I’ve made you write me poetry or reveal something embarrassing about you that nobody else knows. Let’s do something equally awesome.

In order to promote your blog, this time you must tell me something embarrassing about your father.

Maybe he farts in front of your friends. Calls your best friend Brent when it’s really Brett. Only tips out at 10%. Runs around the house in his underwear, and they’re not boxer briefs but tight whites.

My most popular story is the one where I saw my father’s donger as an adult. I’ve already done my work. Now do yours.

This is a great way to kick off Father’s Day next month. Or not a great way. I don’t know. Don’t really care.

So remember, start the comment with… My father is embarrassing because he  ______________.
Then put your blog underneath and tell us what it’s all about!

Special thanks to oSex co-host Karen who came up with this concept. Watch our latest episode!

Wil Wheaton Shocker

We always use a Wil Wheaton photo to do these posts. This one is inappropriate.

photo credit: WilWheaton via photopin cc


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