I Just Ate One Month Old Meatballs – A Confession

by D.J. Paris on February 6, 2013

Today I decided to throw open the sash of fear known as my freezer. I haven’t the foggiest what’s in there, and, now that I think about it, everything in there is actually foggy.

I have pounds of deli sliced turkey from back in October, never touched. There’s a Lean Cuisine something or other – the box is covered in frost. This is especially awesome since it must have been from my ex-wife and she hasn’t lived here in three years. I have, for some reason, some low-cal tortillas, a pint of Breyer’s, what I believe is beef tenderloin, some ice packs (have never used an ice pack in my life), a sleep mask (also never used), and various other meats, cheeses, and vegetables.

I have one of those freezers on the bottom where it’s just a big bin. So the things you throw in there are on top. You know, LIFO (last in, first out). I have over ten pounds of frozen chicken breasts which is great, but I want to eat now. Plus, thawing those bad boys takes like ten minutes. Then I have to fry them up with frozen veggies. It’s a whole scene.

I scoured the bin looking for the easiest and most satisfying meal available. I found it.

Helen Keller wrote, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” And that woman had it rough hiding out from Nazis and all. Wait – that was the other one. Yeah. Anyway…

I just texted my friend Karen – “I’m currently eating meatballs leftover from my parents’ Christmas Eve party. An adventure awaits me in the bathroom.”

I have a belief that meat stays fresh forever in the freezer. I’ve yet to be proven wrong and I recently cooked up a steak that was well over a year old. When you cook stuff, bacteria stuff goes away. That’s what I remember from junior high science class. To be honest, I was a little concerned that the meatballs could make me sick. I outsmarted it, however. I decided to double cook them.

First I defrosted. Now, normally I think defrosting is for pussies. You can cook that shit frozen if you know what you’re doing. But I didn’t want to be out all day tomorrow with dysentery, so I defrosted, then cooked. I’m smart like that.

It’s near the end of this post and it’s been about forty-five minutes since the last meatball was consumed. I’d like to mention that I put down over a pound of meatballs. Then the majority of a box of Good & Plentys. My eating habits are questionable. I know this. It would be dishonest of me to say that I don’t feel a little queasy. I feel like I ought to lie down. Going to sign off here.

If this is my last post please remember that I always loved that girl from first grade. I don’t recall her name now. Something like Jenny. But not Jenny. Janell?

Okay, scratch that. Tell my parents my death is all their fault. That’ll be a real hoot to watch from heaven.

sweet sour meatballs

The evidence

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