I Just Ate One Month Old Meatballs – A Confession

by D.J. Paris on February 6, 2013

Today I decided to throw open the sash of fear known as my freezer. I haven’t the foggiest what’s in there, and, now that I think about it, everything in there is actually foggy.

I have pounds of deli sliced turkey from back in October, never touched. There’s a Lean Cuisine something or other – the box is covered in frost. This is especially awesome since it must have been from my ex-wife and she hasn’t lived here in three years. I have, for some reason, some low-cal tortillas, a pint of Breyer’s, what I believe is beef tenderloin, some ice packs (have never used an ice pack in my life), a sleep mask (also never used), and various other meats, cheeses, and vegetables.

I have one of those freezers on the bottom where it’s just a big bin. So the things you throw in there are on top. You know, LIFO (last in, first out). I have over ten pounds of frozen chicken breasts which is great, but I want to eat now. Plus, thawing those bad boys takes like ten minutes. Then I have to fry them up with frozen veggies. It’s a whole scene.

I scoured the bin looking for the easiest and most satisfying meal available. I found it.

Helen Keller wrote, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” And that woman had it rough hiding out from Nazis and all. Wait – that was the other one. Yeah. Anyway…

I just texted my friend Karen – “I’m currently eating meatballs leftover from my parents’ Christmas Eve party. An adventure awaits me in the bathroom.”

I have a belief that meat stays fresh forever in the freezer. I’ve yet to be proven wrong and I recently cooked up a steak that was well over a year old. When you cook stuff, bacteria stuff goes away. That’s what I remember from junior high science class. To be honest, I was a little concerned that the meatballs could make me sick. I outsmarted it, however. I decided to double cook them.

First I defrosted. Now, normally I think defrosting is for pussies. You can cook that shit frozen if you know what you’re doing. But I didn’t want to be out all day tomorrow with dysentery, so I defrosted, then cooked. I’m smart like that.

It’s near the end of this post and it’s been about forty-five minutes since the last meatball was consumed. I’d like to mention that I put down over a pound of meatballs. Then the majority of a box of Good & Plentys. My eating habits are questionable. I know this. It would be dishonest of me to say that I don’t feel a little queasy. I feel like I ought to lie down. Going to sign off here.

If this is my last post please remember that I always loved that girl from first grade. I don’t recall her name now. Something like Jenny. But not Jenny. Janell?

Okay, scratch that. Tell my parents my death is all their fault. That’ll be a real hoot to watch from heaven.

sweet sour meatballs

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11 comments… read them below or add one

Roxanne February 6, 2013 at 10:56 pm

What is Good & Plenty’s? Obviously something that does not go with those meatballs you scarfed down! Love reading your blogs!

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Tracie February 6, 2013 at 11:22 pm

Good & Plentys are the yummiest candy on earth! Little bits of candy coated black licorice. BTW, D.J., don’t they say licorice is good for upset stomachs? You just may have averted a major disaster with your dessert choice! FTW!

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Carol E Wyer February 7, 2013 at 3:22 am

Thought I’d just say that I have been hanging around your blog now for about half an hour. It’s very entertaining and I have been enjoying a good old chuckle.
Sorry! Thought I’d should let you know who was skulking about rummaging through your posts :)

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@bluenotebacker February 7, 2013 at 8:09 am

I gave myself food poisoning once by making soup from old potatoes that had gone green. I vaguely remember thinking at the time that green potatoes were bad for you and I considered peeling the green off first but in the end went with the assumption that cooking them will take care of whatever bad stuff lay therein. Brilliant. Anyway, I think you did right by defrosting first. If the meatballs had been bad you probably would’ve noticed it then. I learned that being lazy is not compatible with cooking, not if you don’t want to be sick.

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Angus February 7, 2013 at 9:16 am

Where can I get a “Sash of Fear”?

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Caro Ness February 7, 2013 at 10:08 am

I have eaten things far older than that and some of them from the store cupboard not the freezer! But will write a suitably funny epitaph, should it come to that…..

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Ed February 7, 2013 at 10:25 am

Well nice knowing you…if this is your last post too bad I was looking forward to reading more since I just discovered your site. But here is hoping those meatballs weren’t a death trap!

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Emelie February 7, 2013 at 10:26 am

There is meat in my freezer. I’m a vegetarian. And I live alone. Riddle me that one.

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Andrea February 7, 2013 at 10:47 am

You can eat mostly anything that has been frozen for months. Trust me. I’ve had many victorious Thanksgivings out of a turkey that lived in my freezer for months.

The biggst test is eating food that was frozen once, then thawed, and then frozen again, and thawed again. Now THAT is a gamble.

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RachRiot February 8, 2013 at 6:13 pm

Dude, they thawed out a baby mammoth from like 10 million years ago and it was perfectly fine. I mean, I don’t think they *ate* him, but I’m saying he looked intact. Okay, not really the same thing at all. Nevermind. You’re gonna die.

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tara February 8, 2013 at 6:44 pm

Hahahah best comment ever.

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