The Time I Thought I Was Dying (But It Turns Out I Totally Wasn’t)
In the past I discussed this little studio apartment where I lived in my mid-twenties. I have written about some of my experiences there, such as the time I drank some bad malt liquor and had an accident, and how I fell in love with the girl who lived across the way. Here’s another story that I’m sure many of you can relate to (and yes, I know you aren’t supposed to end...
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I Have Spear Toe – A Confession
I want you to do something right now. Pull out one of your hands (choose the one that is shoved down the front of your pants – and no I don’t mean because you’re doing that.) Hold it up in front of you. Pay particular attention to the pinky. Notice it’s length. It’s longer than you thought, right? Get this. My second toe is longer than your pinky. And even...
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Another Embarrassing Story About Food
Yesterday, I revealed that until last November, I had no idea that the red thing inside of a green olive was a pepper. I thought it came with the olive. I am 35. Today’s story, believe it or not, is even more embarrassing. And lest you think I exaggerate, I can even ask the person who witnessed this almost twenty years ago to verify. His name is Justin, and has been a great friend for...
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One Embarrassing Story About Food
Over Thanksgiving, reader-turned-girlfriend Jessica was telling a story about how one of her friends didn’t know that a pimento in a green olive was placed there by man. Then my entire family started laughing at this friend that nobody except Jessica had met. I’m pretty sure my sister yelled out, “Fool!” No, that’s not true. Nobody yells out,...
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I Love Plucking White Hairs – A Confession
When I was nine my mom brought home a black cat that was hanging out by the dumpster at the Junior League. It was our first family pet, and we named her Shadow. Actually, that’s not entirely true as we had two cats when I was born but I think they bit me or my sister and were removed. As a cat, Shadow was decent. Not a home run, but not a caught-looking-strikeout either. I hope that...
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Celebtweets – Ralphie May
Okay, it’s been way TOO long since my last Celebtweets. I’ve been busy and haven’t been bothering celebrities like I know I should. In the past I’ve won the attention of Jackie Stallone and incurred the wrath and then love of Steve Agee. Today when I woke up, instead of heading to church where there is very little to do that’s funny, I took to Twitter. Ralphie...
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Live Free Or Die Drivin’
I thought I would try something I’d never done before – tell a story via webcam. Why? Well, because this one is way too long to try to type out. It took me over ten minutes to tell, and I talk fast! Traditional web video wisdom states that anything longer that two minutes will not be watched by most readers. I believe this to be true for other sites, but not for MY readers! My...
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Something Gross I Do
I just had to call my ex-wife last night. Hey, I have something so awful to share that you will lose whatever remaining shred of respect you still have for me. You mean like gross? Yes, I’m sitting here looking at something really gross. Well, I can’t imagine it could be worse then all those times you...
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I Can’t Touch Cotton Balls – A Confession
It’s been a while since I’ve introduced you to a new D.J. confession. In the past I talked about how I used to wear tight jeans, and how I pretended I was in bands when I wasn’t, and how I poop when I talk on the phone. But that’s nothing compared to this confession. Ever since I can remember, touching a cotton ball freaks me out more than anything else. Let me put...
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ThoughtsFromParis Holiday Card 2011
Last December I wanted to do something special for you, my readers. Many of you sent me your mailing addresses requesting one of my holiday cards. I happily obliged, even though some of you live overseas and cost me $.98 per stamp! Yep, that’s how much I love you. Next time, move over here. By the way, providing your home address on the internet is not a good idea. Shame on you....
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First ThoughtsFromParis Reader Party Photos!
If you’re a regular reader to this blog, you already know I flew down yesterday to Atlanta to visit Jessica, the woman I’m dating. Not familiar with the reader turned girlfriend story? Click here! I’m here through Sunday which allows me time to continue to develop intimacy with Jessica, explore Atlanta, celebrate NYE, and determine if the southern stereotypes in the real world...
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The Flu That Stole Christmas – Part II
I left you last, Christmas Eve, 1am, while our last guest had to be escorted by my father who walked her two houses down from where she lived. She also had helped clean, although I believe broke a few dishes. Read Part I Here! During the cleaning, we had set up an assembly line with my sister and mother bringing over all the glassware and dishes to the sink. Al, my sister’s boyfriend,...
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The Flu That Stole Christmas – Part I
I can’t tell you one thing about the book, How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I feel like maybe I never read it the same way I’m pretty sure I never read Horton Hears a Who. I think we had all Dr. Suess’s other books. I remember being in high school and over at a girl’s house I liked. That night, The Grinch was on television, and I pretended to be excited by saying,...
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I Have The Greatest Readers In The World – Part II
Earlier last month a very generous reader sent me a pair of shower gloves with my initials to use as a stocking. And then, nothing. You fans suck! I actually prayed to Jesus that he would deliver all of you bad tidings for Christmas. Or wait, is that Santa that hands out the tidings? Speaking of – I’m super excited right now, because I just learned about Santa’s evil...
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Should I Run Around Naked This Christmas? (Please Say Yes!)
In my senior year of college for spring break my folks took us to Hilton Head. While a great idea in theory, and wildly generous, it was about fifteen degrees cooler than it should have been at that time of the year, making doing much of anything outside pretty miserable. We couldn’t swim, and playing golf was iffy as the cold temperatures plus the wind made it uncomfortable. Oh, and it...
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Paris-Ochial – You Watched What? In High School?
If you’re not familiar with my series “Paris-Ochial,” these are tales of my time at a Catholic high school as a Protestant. Read Part I Here Recently I was turned on to a great NPR podcast. It’s called On Being with Krista Trippett, and, not unlike all the other awesomeness that is NPR, it’s a deeper discussion into such things like race, social reform, and...
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Last Night I Met One Of You! (And You Didn’t Kill Me)
I’m in a band. And, without any false ego here, I think we’re pretty damned good. Everyone who is in a band has some sort of “famous” fantasy – mine goes like this: We finish our set and get offstage. A woman comes walking over telling me she really likes the music and that we made her night. Then she motions over to her table where she and a few friends are...
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I Did Something F***ing Crazy Over Thanksgiving – EpilVlog
Want to hear more thoughts about the Thanksgiving date from the guy from ThoughtsFromParis? Yes. Yes you...
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I Did Something F***ing Crazy Over Thanksgiving – Part III
Last time I left you, I had just explained to my forgetful father that I was bringing Jessica home for Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Read Part I Here, Sucka! Read Part II Here, Sucka! A woman I had never spent even a second with in mutual physical presence. Also a woman that would fly in Tuesday night, drive with me to Peoria on Wednesday, stay through until Sunday, and drive back to...
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I Did Something F***ing Crazy Over Thanksgiving – Part II
In the last installment, I talked about the idea of a “Dates With Readers” feature where I would go out with a few women who regularly read my blog. Read Part I Here – and then come back, because, well, you’ll totally want to! I was telling my father about Jessica, the woman in the previous story with whom (Or is it “with whom”? Or “to whom”?...
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I Did Something F***ing Crazy Over Thanksgiving – Part I
I had a great idea. When I started getting some decent traffic to my site, I began to receive emails from readers. I noticed that nearly all of these emails were from women. I suspect that there are more women who read blogs than men. This may just be a result of many mothers who stay at home and raise their children. In fact, there is a whole “mommy blogger” category of...
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TheNumbers Played Last Night – And You Weren’t There!
Sometimes the best gigs are replacement gigs. This is where a band cancels last minute and you’re called to fill in. As a group that is constantly trying to impress promoters, the most difficult part is getting bodies to the show. Thankfully we have great songs, and promoters seem to like our style. But I’m the only member that lives in Chicago. The rest are about forty-five...
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I Have The GREATEST Readers of all the Planets! (But Not Pluto Because That’s Not a Planet, You Dumb Person!)
I received this today via the mail. I haven’t yet spoken to the person who sent it, and she may want to remain anonymous, so I’ll keep her info private. Let’s just say that I am THRILLED. I shrieked like a little girl. A little girl who is totally a man and does all sorts of manly things. If you don’t understand the context of this gift, you’ll have go all the way...
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What Happened To Part II? And Part I For That Matter!
Yesterday I posted part I of a story about an idea I had to go on dates with a few of my readers, as a goof. The idea would be to fly out to where they live, spend the day, and chronicle every part of the date in this blog. I pitched it to a few of my readers who thought it was hilarious and awesome. Which, of course, it is. However, I realized shortly after posting it, that it needed to be...
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Last Night I Played Poker! (and-not-the-funny-pun-kind-like-your-sexually-immature-friend-says-while-he-jabs-you-in-the-ribs)
I’m thrilled to get invited anywhere. Even though Evite has been around for well over 10 years, I still get extremely excited when an email hits my inbox inviting me to something. Even if it’s a one-year old’s birthday party and I have to comb through the parents’ Facebook page to try to figure out their son’s name. And this year, I actually received a paper...
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The Most Fun Person I Met at BlogWorld
In my last post I talked about The Most Boring Person At BlogWorld. Her name is Megan. But then at the end of my story I actually talked about how great she is. And she really is. And then her best friend got jealous. They’re kind of a team. They’re also from Salt Lake City, which means they’re weird as shit. Angie and I literally talked for two straight hours. And...
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The Most Boring Person I Met At BlogWorld
Two months ago I don’t know any bloggers. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was aware of The Bloggess and I once went back and forth via email with dooce. By the way, at BlogWorld someone purported that Heather Armstrong (dooce) has more influence, because she has a bigger total audience, than Oprah. Even if that’s not true, it’s cool to hear. Now that my site is...
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D.J. + Giovanni = Adam Carolla Nerdgasm
I’m a huge Adam Carolla fan. You should be, too. If all you know about the Aceman is The Man Show or his short stint on Dancing With The Stars, you’re probably missing this fact… He’s one of the funniest men on the planet. Don’t take my word for it – check out his daily podcast, currently number one on Itunes for comedy. Or watch his movie, The Hammer, and...
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Cartoons I Never Made – Part II
Many years ago I thought I could make it as a cartoon writer. Turns out you need to find someone who could draw to help bring my boners to life. Note : “Boners” is a word last century that used to be in the vernacular to mean jokes. Now it just means, well, boners. If you missed part I of my series, read up. Here’s part II. Scene : Young Man About To Throw A Shot...
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Cartoons I Never Made – Part I
When I was 20, I was politely asked to leave college for a semester. Turns out not only did the school want my parent’s tuition, but also expected me to perform to a certain standard. I know, lame. And since I was heavily involved in not getting laid or being cool, you would have thought I had a ton of time to study. And I guess I did. But I didn’t. Study, that is. So, I...
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Paris-ochial – The First Day of High School – Part II
In Part I of my Paris-Ochial story, I spoke of a woman who suggested that I would need to covert to Catholicism if we had children. The day after that was published, she sent me an email expressing her sadness about the story. She said that I had misrepresented her, and that she had not actually asked me to convert to her religion but that our kids ought to be raised Catholic. I truly try to...
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Paris-ochial – The First Day of High School – Part I
I have somebody who has reached out to me recently and expressed interest in dating. She seems like a perfectly lovely woman, and so far our conversations have been nice. Only once have we spoken on the phone, the rest is through email and instant message. She lives somewhere other than Chicago. She asked me last night if I would ever consider converting to Catholicism if I married a Catholic...
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The Girl With The Tiny Squeaker
Last post I talked about a girl who, in college, dressed up like Michael Jackson to speak to our abnormal psychology class about pedophilia. This girl also had a tiny squeaker. I was very attracted to her, whom I’ll call Becky Katsopolis (Lori Loughlin) from the tv show, Full House. She looked sort of like her. Hey, just be grateful I didn’t call her Kimmy Gibbler. Nobody wants to...
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The Time This Girl That I Had a Crush On In High School Came Up To Me Totally Naked and Hugged Me
I’ve never been a strip club guy. The idea of paying a woman a considerable amount of money to pretend that she likes me seems so artificial that I can’t bring myself to engage with the fantasy. Also, I sort of believe that if I’m really wanting to find a girl to sleep with, that I can probably go out and, if I tried, make that happen. It’s just not that hard –...
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Shirley Hemphill Does Not Want D.J. Paris
I wrote a few days ago about how a woman I know contacted me about a girlfriend that I ought to call. I was very flattered she thought the two of us might hit it off. When I inquired about this woman, who, for the rest of the article I’ll call Shirley Hemphill (from What’s Happening!!), because I used to watch that show and was always impressed with her jokes. Plus, her hair was...
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PervSearch – Things About Excrement
I’m sure you’re aware, but if not, there are a TON of degenerate scumbags who troll the internet. And for some reason, many more that I would have imagined find my website. This feature is inspired by the awful people who type even more awful things into Google and find my website. I call it… Things About Excrement First, I think it’s important to understand...
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My Holiday Cards Are Better Than Your Holiday Cards
I started a tradition my freshman year of college back in 1994 – since I was making new friends, I thought it would be fun to send each one a holiday card. I wanted to do something fun, and my mom suggested the Oriental Trading Company catalog, which has dozens of different cards. All crap quality, but cheap. I ordered two dozen cards which were actually puzzles. They were in the shape...
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My Career As A Video and Photo Thief
For two years in college I worked at a grocery store as the photo lab guy. During my employment, the store was moved after my first year. Initially that department was a combination where we did video rentals, photo processing, and sold perfume. When the store moved to its new location they decided to eliminate the movie rentals. The perfume counter got its own section, and I no longer got to...
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I Fell In Love With a Girl Who Had Already Seen Me Naked And Then Rejected Me
The first time I met my wife was on a blind date. We were set up by a coworker of hers who told me I needed meet her friend. Since I didn’t know her coworker all that well, I couldn’t really ask the most important question my immature mind was thinking… “Can you send a photo over to me beforehand?” Instead, I made some comment about how I’m sure she’s pretty, and...
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Two Stories About My Dad’s Dick – Part II
About five years ago when I was dating my future wife, I mentioned to her that I was a little embarrassed because I had a bit of shoulder and back hair. As a blonde person this isn’t the biggest deal in the world because the hair shows up lighter, but it still bothered me. I would shave the area every few weeks, but trying to reach your back is kind of a hassle. I mean, I’ve never...
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Two Stories About My Dad’s Dick – Part I
When is the last time you saw your father naked? I’m going to bet, for most of you, this is not an easy question to answer. Not because of the subject matter, but because you can’t quite remember a time when this happened. Up until about a month ago, I was right there with you. If pressed, I supposed I would have answered something like you, which is: Hmm… I guess I remember...
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5 Things That May Have Contributed To My Divorce
I’ve heard it said that the strongest human instinct is not survival, but denial. Think about it a moment – there are many people that would rather die than change. Suicide victims, for example. They deny their relevance to the world and others, and escape their pain through tragedy. Wow – I just read that back. That’s super-depressing. Since this is a humor site, I have a pretty...
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Handerpants – An Amazon.com Review
Instead of trying to impress you with a nice build-up before the story, I’m just going to let the story impress you on its own. Handerpants My Review – As Seen On Amazon.com Perfect If Your Coworkers Grafted a Dick On Your Hand! As a genetic bio-engineer, I am working on architecting the growth of organs and appendages via biological induction grafting. For you...
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AdultSituations – Carlton Loves P**n
Remember watching HBO when you were a kid, and when an R rated movie came on like Angel Heart or Hardbodies 2, you sat with eager anticipation of the warnings that would display right before the film started? As a boy, the best I could hope for was “nudity.” Although, often times, if there wasn’t nudity in a movie, there still might be “adult situations.”...
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Wendy’s Can Eat It! (Since I Can’t Eat There)
About a year ago I participated in a men’s weekend retreat out in the country. About 15 participants and 13 facilitators gathered together for three days of serious work with the intent of exploring truth, shadows, and learning how to be a better man. It was intense and emotional, and I saw dudes explore rage, shame, fear and sadness, as well as joy. Some guys confronted memories of...
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Celebtweets – Jackie Stallone
Jackie Stallone I love Jackie Stallone. If you’re not familiar with Jackie, she’s movie superstar Sylvester Stallone’s mom. The first time I became aware of her was around 2000 when she appeared the Howard Stern E! show. She’s a tough-as-nails broad with confidence and tenacity. But a lot of people have those qualities and I’m not easily impressed with...
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The Big Racist Glass Head
I have this friend, Arnie Becker. Okay, truth be told I don’t really have a friend named Arnie Becker, but for this story I feel I should change the names, as to not embarrass the real people involved. But, if you really want to know who I’m talking about, just ask me. I have a feeling I’ll tell you. I decided on using characters from the Steven Bochco and David Kelley...
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I Used to Wear Tight Jeans – A Confession
There has been an unfortunate trend over the past few years where men, usually in their late-teens to early twenties, have started to purchase and wear “skinny” jeans. I’m talking about the jeans that are not just tight in the seat or waist, but in the legs, too. I think most of us can agree that this is not a masculine look. I’m not saying it’s a terrible...
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Let’s Get Tanked – An Amazon.com Product Review
Did you ever dream of owning a tank? Sure you did. Remember when you used to look out the window, bored in grammar school, fantasizing of driving a Sherman across the playground and running over that bully who used to throw the kickball at your head just because he was a dickhead? No? You never had a bully repeatedly embarrass you in grammar school? Yeah, me neither. I was one of the...
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Celebtweets – Steve Agee
I love/hate Twitter. What’s great is that by putting out information, you can connect to anybody who has interest in your interests. However, in my experience, this rarely ever happens. I post to my Twitter account daily. Mostly just jokes; one-liners that I think of when going about my day. However, I get virtually no responses from my tweets. I have about 150 people that...
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Everyone Poops (Their Pants At Age 26)
I’m 33 years old, and I have never had a mosquito bite. I know that may sound hard to believe, but it’s true. Or, maybe if I’ve had a mosquito bite in my life, I’ve not known about it. I’ve never seen one on my body, nor have I ever regularly scratched at something on my skin. I also don’t use moisturizer. Not sure if that’s related. While I...
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How I Avoided Asking ANYONE To Be In My Wedding
I’d like to take you back to my wedding just over two years ago. Actually, let’s go back about six months before that, sometime in the fall. During the planning stages for the wedding, like many grooms, I had a secondary role. I wasn’t terribly concerned about the photographer, the florist, the centerpieces on each table, or which crazy relatives weren’t going...
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