3

I Sort of Broke My Garbage Disposal But Not Really

Rotisserie Chicken and Garbage Disposal

You were all wrong about my garbage disposal. I purchased a condo in 2005 because my folks were nice enough to lend me a down payment. At closing I was able to pick out all the cabinets, countertops, moldings, and appliances. …

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4

My Rear End is Imperfect and Needs Medical Attention

colonoscopy jug

I am getting a colonoscopy. If I rated medical procedures based on hilarity, colonoscopies would make my top ten. Not as funny as calf implants for dudes or ladies getting liposuction on their toes, but close. “So, what’s the deal with …

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5

I Ate Live Octopus

I Ate Live Octopus

D.J., watch this video of live chickens being slaughtered. It’ll make you become a vegetarian. No, that’s ay. Not interested. Don’t you care about chickens being tortured and killed? (minute long pause to soul-search for an answer) No. I guess …

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20

It Turns Out I Sleep Bad – Part I

They also hooked one up to my nuts, but just to be funny. Those wacky technicians!

For as long as I can remember I’ve been exhausted. I started taking naps my last year of college. I was studying meditation and self-hypnosis and would put myself in a deep trance following whatever instructions the new-agey bo I …

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20

Someone Flipped Me The Bird!

Chicago El

Had an amazing experience on the subway yesterday. Well, in Chicago we don’t call it the subway. It’s the “el” which is short for “elevated train” because it does, in fact, go above ground. The trains also go below ground, …

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19

I Am Lucky and Ashamed

snowflake

When I left my home it was -1 degrees. There’s nothing I own that is appropriate for negative temperatures. If I dug deep into my closet I could find a pair of long underwear. But then what? Put them on …

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